Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Ok, you guys know... I watch a LOT of television. I mean, I have 15 shows in my Hulu subscriptions queue, but that doesn't count the FANTASTIC Mad Men or the newest (and potentially even MORE fabulous) Walking Dead. Holy SHIT you guys...... I am not really a zombie person (though I did really enjoy Zombieland), but this is just impeccable. The cute sign holding guy from Love Actually is the main character and... I just cannot be more impressed with this.


I'm adding it to the already ridiculous list of shows I religiously follow and commend the hell out of AMC for another job incredibly well done.


And I will leave you with this song. I hope it works, since my favorite forever drop.io is going away, I need to find another musicy source.

Space Junk - Wang Chung

Monday, November 1, 2010

Not Sleepy Thoughts

"I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone no matter how many people are around."

- Dr. John Dorian


I am quite accustomed to being a third wheel. I like to think that I'm not too awkward about it and that I handle it with an amount of grace most of the time. Here lately, though... it's reaching a breaking point. I know that I am beginning to sound like a desperate, crazy person, but for real. I love all of my friends, it's just that they're all IN LOVE with each other and I feel like a bigger and more hopeless disappointment to myself after each time we all hang out.

I think the thing that frustrates me so much about it is that I can't force it to happen any faster than it just will. "It" being meeting a dude I can stand to talk to for more than 30 seconds that doesn't find me repulsive. I've started to have these really disconcerting thoughts lately like, "Maybe I just never will meet anyone. Maybe I'll just be alone forever," and let me tell you what, that will put a damper on your day in a hurry. I have just never had that thought occur to me. I will get married. I will have kids. These haven't been optional life occurrences. But, again, I can't do it by myself and I suck so bad at the meet, chitchat, play the game part that my future is looking rather bleak at the moment. Anyway, just venting my thoughts to the internet again.

And more bad news: One of my very favorite websites drop.io is closing because Facebook bought them. I am incredibly sad about this and that also means that after December, you won't be able to hear or download the music on my blog. As it is, I can't upload anything new, either. Luckily, this was already on a different drop.

Ghosts - Laura Marling

Hopefully, I can find a suitable substitute. :(

Sunday, October 17, 2010


You ever just feel like you've missed someone? In a timing way, I mean. Like... I don't know, there was maybe a person and it felt like there was something... and then...

If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix

I realize that a 3 day business conference is not the most reliable or likely place to meet someone that you could potentially connect with on lots of levels and make you laugh and has that... that thing... but never say never, right?

Well, it is par for the course that this person- this highly intelligent, incredibly interesting person- would obviously be related to my business in such a way that it's just downright inadvisable to see where it would go. Let me just say that it has been a long damn time since I have encountered a person that I thought, "Hm... I just want to be around you and see what you're all about," and they have thoughts even approaching reciprocated.

Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up) - Florence + the Machine

And they were reciprocated! But also mutually... declined? Turned away? It wasn't even a rejection. It was a decision to be responsible* and walk away. And the thing that kills me is that no matter how correct we were to do that... Gah! I just feel like there was something there. Or at least, there sure was potential to be...

*I couldn't find an appropriate text quality (bold, italic, all caps, some combination of those) to express my incredibly sad and disappointed FURY at this word in this particular context.

kisses are a better fate
than wisdom.
-e.e. cummings

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


So, I read about this book and also read this article and it makes me wonder:

Should I quit the internet for a while?

I mean, I can't totally quit because I work from home and a LOT of it is done via email, but I could at least quit Facebook and Twitter (let's get real- even if you have Myspace, we all quit that a long time ago...) and try to forge some ACTUAL relationships! Go out and DO things!

Kelli O'Hara - "The Beauty Is" from Light in the Piazza by Adam Guettel

As far as the logistics of such a move, it would basically just be the social parts of the internet that I would "quit." I figure that I can still watch my TV online as even pre-Facebook culture had television. I can still Google stuff and listen to music online and everything that the internet can offer me as far as information, but just not the false interaction that one gets from looking at a friend's wedding pictures and sort of feeling like you were there.

Cosmic Love - Florence + the Machine

I guess my biggest hesitation (fear...?) is that I won't feel any less alone by pulling away from it. I feel pretty alone now, but again, this is an alone that is propagated by just sitting on my ass all day since I can "see" my friends any time I log in to Facebook. Also, this drops in early December, and as I have previously mentioned, I do like playing the game and I love my friends that also play it, so that makes it rough to just STOP interneting. Though, I guess WoW is a game and isn't strictly social, but still. If I quit the others, the WoW would likely suffer. Anyway, I just kind of feel like making a change in the ol' life to try to jumpstart its not sucking. I don't know where blogging or not blogging would fit into this scenario. I wouldn't blog, obviously, but I don't know how much I would read of others' blogs because that seems like exactly the sort of thing I'm trying to cut out. So that's up in the air.

Heavy in Your Arms - Florence + the Machine

I will say this: Florence + the Machine is helping quite a bit with the not sucking part.

Anyway, what do you guys think about quitting the internet?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

In the musicals

Loving this song:

In the Musicals - Björk

So this post isn't a huge deal or anything, but I wanted to write it down someplace just... I don't know, for posterity, or something. It will more than likely be one of those blogs (ooo! Blog from elsewhere...) that will make me feel silly when I read it later, but oh well. Like I said, I just wanted to write it.

I was NOT, however, going to just put it where anyone can see it! If you want to read it, I'll gladly give you the password. Just email me at tracyneproski (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll be more than happy to send the password your way. :)

Click on the dots to read the post (after you get the password from me, of course): ***

Now that I know how this works,
I may be using it more often. Hmm....

Monday, August 23, 2010


Mmmmm, y'all. I am loving this song. It's... well, I don't know what it is, but I like it.

Blue Bossanova - Bossanova



Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Ok, I have zero opinion of Justin Bieber. But THIS is awesome.

Go check it out.

....I wish I had a photo or something for this, but I just don't. Hehe :)


As much as I'm not a super duper fan of tattoos, especially matching ones, this is pretty cool:


His is light, like a computer monitor or an LED.
Hers is like paint, primary colors and their combinations.

Very nerdy/cool.


Monday, August 16, 2010


I think I have some significant OCD tendencies. I wish they'd migrate over into my room cleaning habits, but mainly they stay in the part of brain that likes watching television.

I like T.V. I watch a LOT of T.V., actually. At any given time, there are between ten and fifteen shows that I'm watching weekly and trying to keep up with. Thank God for Hulu, right? I'm 2 episodes away from being finished with Mad Men, which is good, because my OCDness cannot be sated until it's done. Oh, Mad Men...

Some people are enamored with him.


I'm enamored with her.

(well, really more her, though this photo is better)
{or better still, this one. How frickin' gorgeous!!}

Anyway, I really want to start watching Friday Night Lights because it seems very much up my alley, but it's all on Netflix. I know that this seems like a boon (and eventually it will be), but right now, if I watch the pilot..... I'll be sucked in. I'll have to watch ALL OF THE EPISODES until I'm caught up. And thank goodness it's on Hulu or I'd never keep up, but oy. I need a break from my T.V. so I can get back to the important things in my life.


Monday, August 9, 2010

Messy Bedroom


So I have noticed a weird thing I do. When I move into a new place, or even after I've been living there a while, when I go to clean it, I clean the kitchen and the living room.... and then either slow down immensely or stop. Looking around my new place, my kitchen is totally unpacked and up and running, as is my living room. My dining room area has a couple of boxes in it, but since I don't have a dining table as of yet, there's not much going on in that room anyway. The bookshelf is in there, though, and it is totally unpacked and decorated and whatever. I even hung most of my art already. In the living room, mind you, not in my room.

My bedroom is woefully neglected with regard to unpacking and decorating. I made my bed all pretty, but mainly because when I Skype with Bosslady, she can see it behind me. I have literally not unpacked the VAST majority of my clothes, but my Xbox is ready to go. Anyone else experience this weird unpacking priority?

Saturday, August 7, 2010

An update and some whining

Ok, as the title suggests, this is going to be an update and then some whining. So here we go:


1) I moved to San Marcos, TX! This is wonderful on SO many levels. I LOVE it here. Here being Texas. I mean, I like San Marcos just fine, but after living in Oklahoma for three years, my self just needed to be back. It was so very time.

2) I have an amazing job here! I am a sales rep for decorative plumbing, which might sound familiar. It should, er... surely I've mentioned the plumbing thing.... anyway, my new Bosslady and her family are AMAZING and I just can't say enough nice things about them and all they are doing for me in this very new to me job.


1) I am sunburned. Ouch. I never get sunburned!! Not because I am particularly immune to it; quite the contrary (I am almost certain that I was the whitest person at the river today). I just never go outside. So... yeah. That's not fun.

2) Remember my big bunch of changes? Well.... I have pretty much failed at all of them. I gained my 20 pounds back, I sleep in until just before I need to be awake and my nails aren't pretty anymore. About the only thing left of my fabulous eating habits from the beginning of the year is that I still just drink water. That is actually kind of nice, but to be back at the old weight AND just drinking water.... oy. I hate that there is always something. You know what I mean? Now that I'm back in Texas with a killer job that I am excited about and living on my own (which is wonderful), I am eating poorly, unmotivated to lose the weight because being skinny is hard and my starter in my car may be going out. When I was skinny and eating great and had plenty of money, my roommate hated me and I didn't want to be at my apartment ever and I had all the crazy school stress. Not to mention the varied states of singleness I've been floating through since January. And I haven't sung since... my recital? Wow. I guess not. And my paper, while mostly done, is not quite finished. That thing is seriously the bane of my existence. Any volunteers to write one more paragraph for me?

...Seriously, though. Email me.

Anyway, back to the fatness thing, last time that I got on track with this eating healthy deal, I was crazy. I planned every day in a crazygirl spiral notebook (down to what I would eat and when), went to bed REALLY early, woke up REALLY early, worked out every day... so I guess I'll get back to that. Like I said, I can't really say that I was any happier when I was skinnier. I was working my ass off to be that way and not really eating the food I like- the bad for me food. I guess in the same way that one sometimes falls away from the faith and starts lovin' the sinnin' lifestyle, I need to read my Bible and pray every day to get back on track. I want to lose 40 pounds. I lost 20. I was halfway there!!! I feel like I'm continuously about 5 or 6 months away from being as skinny as I want. Feasibly, I'd be in the shape I want just in time for Christmas only to start the vicious cycle all over again. Oh well, I guess that's just the way it always goes, huh? Time to work out and then go to sleep (after a little time with my crazygirl notebook, of course).

Also... saw this- Love it.



Monday, July 26, 2010

Tee hee


Sorry I've been gone for-EV-er... I promise promise that I'll update soon with talk of my big move to Texas (yay!!), my big kid job and lots and lots of other things that I should have been writing about, but I just haven't. I guess I didn't want to jinx them? Who knows....

Also, dear blah blah blah,

I'm really curious as to where you're headed with this. Part of me wants to just ignore it completely; as if the words never registered (a taste of your own medicine, perhaps?), but I'm just so curious. I'm also wondering if you think that you still have the same power over me that you once did. You would be very wrong as you so kindly broke me of that about a year ago. I'm not mad, but then again, I'm never mad. Irritated, frustrated, sometimes, but never mad. In any case, I'm still here. I'm always here. But it would take a helluva lot more than some words I wanted to hear a year ago for me to just fall all over myself again. Like I said, I actually have you to thank for my bolstered spirit. Anyway, continue with your wonderful life!


Saturday, July 3, 2010

A Letter to Seester

Dear Seester,

I love you. You are my favorite sister, but seriously. I would really rather you not respond to my random inside joke text with a phone call telling me how you're out with all of the people I'd love to be out with but can't because I A) don't live in Wichita Falls anymore and B) don't have to extra fundage to go down there every weekend. I would also appreciate it if you would refrain from telling me the stories reinforcing how you're the dangerous, mysterious, and cool sister. I know you are. It's painful enough just being the boring, straight-laced, un-adventurous one, but you letting me know that the guy who has been my go-to crush on guy since fourth grade said that you're "super f*&^ing hot" was almost over the line of what I can reasonably handle. Even if it doesn't seem like it bothers me or matters, it does; on both counts. I'm not the cool one. I'm okay with it most of the time. I'd like it if you didn't rub it in...



picture via

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Ready to take a ride on my train of thought? Here we go!

Working on Project 1 ->
Look up something on the internet ->
Get distracted and work on Project 2 ->
Look up something else on the internet ->
Realize I'm being scattered ->
Wish I was better focused and think about that I need to get myself medicated for ADD ->
Remember that I don't have health insurance at my new job ->
Ponder life and how much it's going to cost versus what I will be making ->
Wonder if I'll have enough money to get medicated ->
Think about how cool/productive life would be if I WAS medicated (or at least the option) ->
Remember that I'm supposed to be working ->
Repeat from beginning.

So... that's life today.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Times they are a'changin'

I feel I have been a little remiss with my lack of posting. As I'm still in the process of doing a big ol' life overhaul, I don't want to jinx any part of it... so just know that there are big things afoot in my world and I will tell everyone about it as soon as everything settles down. In lieu of talking about MY life... I'll talk about a couple of other folks:

My loverly co-worker has some wonderful news!


Go on her blog to get the scoop!

I'm so excited for her!! She's going to be a great momma! :D


I'm SURE that if you're on the internet at all, you've heard of LiLu. Well, apparently , MTV wants her to be a Twitter Jockey!! I think the voting starts at the end of June, so get out there and be supportive!!


Ok, one more thing: I've been obsessively watching Buffy and Angel (to be a good Whedon fan, as I've never seen them) and this is good stuff! I'm watching Buffy S.4 and Angel S.1 concurrently because the storylines overlap and intertwine SUPER nicely! Gotta love a good Whedon show. Anywho, can't leave without putting a nice song up for everybody so here it is. Kind of a throwback, but awesome all the same.

No Rain - Blind Melon

Monday, May 31, 2010


A day or so ago, Jason was talking about Sherree Chamberlain (one of my most favorite artists) and said that one of her songs was "a song that I can sympathize with so completely that I'm almost ashamed to admit it." I heard a one this weekend that made me think of that sentiment- one that I can sympathize with very completely. Enjoy, y'alls. :)

Stupid - The Long Winters

Friday, May 21, 2010

For the Horde!

Gah, I'm trying to find a way for this post to get nerdier, but I'm just not coming up with anything.

Seester is, as I type this, upgrading her Mac OS so she can play WoW with me!!!! I am irrationally excited for this. Irrationally... in that only fellow gamers can fully understand the pure, unbridled joy associated with getting someone you know hooked on the game.

Also- big life stuff going on! Good stuff! I'll fill you in, soon, little bloggatribe.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Fields of Gold


Fields of Gold - Eva Cassidy


pics via and via

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Trapped here like rats! Small little rats with no hair and one leg! (Oh yeah. I went there.)

I am trapped. Pretty much every way a person can be trapped... well, without actually being trapped, I suppose. Ready for my, er... trappings?

My roommate hates me.
This is both okay and not okay. I have been where she is, and knowing this, there is nothing I can do to make her happy or make her hate me less. Everything I do, no matter how irrational, is going to drive her insane. Knowing this makes it slightly easier to live in my apartment. The biggest thing is that while I have felt that way before, I can't recall being rude or mean to whoever I felt that way about. It's unnecessary and petty, but I have no fight in me. Mainly because that's just not how I operate, but also just because I have been trying to alleviate stress on the situation for months and I am exhausted. She will never see or know or frankly, care, but I have done all I can do. It's time to part ways, and thankfully that will be soon.

This boyfriend thing.
I started this sentence 4 times because I don't know what to say about it. I like hanging out with the guy, I love his family and his friends and he is very good at being a boyfriend. I don't want to not have those things, but I really don't think I want to date him anymore. I know there is a relatively black and white solution, but I'm lame and he is so very good to me... I just... I have this fear that I am too picky. With each passing day/month/year (oy), I want to think that I'm waiting to not settle. Waiting so that I can have the best life I can have. Having not really found it yet, I am starting to get this gnawing feeling that I'm holding out for some Holy Grail that I will never actually find. And then I'll just be alone and not settling by myself, which isn't any good either. I don't want to settle, but I don't want to be alone forever, either, so where's that breaking point?

My apartment is a warzone.
Remember how my roommate hates me? Well, I don't like being at my apartment. It is such a hostile environment that I would rather be pretty much anywhere else. I'm probably going to put a bunch of potatoes (don't judge me; I eat them every day for lunch, anyhow) in my car and stay at one of my places of employment until bedtime. Then go home and go to sleep. I'll get my laundry and regular life stuff done on Saturdays when she's working, or possibly on Sundays when she's off and out with her friends. That baffles me... if she has friends (which she does), why doesn't she hang out at their place? I can't imagine she likes being at the apartment- but then again, I may just be projecting MY incredible sense of discomfort and hostility onto her and assuming she feels that, too. Anyway, I don't feel welcome in my own dang apartment. That is the point of this one.

I can't talk to anyone.
I know that's not totally true, but, again, who would I normally talk to about my roommate situation being awful and feeling like crap and not wanting to go home? Boyfriend. Or Twitter, or Facebook, but for various reasons, again, little Bloglette, you're basically my only refuge. Thank you, blog-o-whatever, for being here for me to spill my guts to when my head is pounding and I can't think of any other way to try to assuage the ache than to just talk about all the garbage that's bothering me.

Since roommate will move out in June sometime, I believe, hopefully my life will brighten then. I auditioned for Pensacola Opera this past weekend, and while it was a fun trip to get to see my friends, it was a not so good audition since I was still not firing on all vocal cylinders. If they're grading on potential, I might have a vague shot at getting in. I am not optimistic.

So, yeah. A good week....

I did hear this artist and I think I have a new favorite. Sort of in the vein of Hem, Alison Krauss and others. I am too lazy right now to link them.

I Wonder What is Keeping My True Love This Night - Kate Rusby

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Tik Tok

During this time of graduation and whatnot, I have seen a lot of Facebook statii that are along the lines of "Wow! I can't believe that I graduate this week!" or "I am a junior in college now? When did that happen?" I can relate to these on an "I have been there" level, but also on a "Holy crap... I have to drive 13 hours tomorrow" level.

13 hours.

In lieu of walking the stage at my commencement this weekend, I have an audition for Pensacola Opera's Artist in Residence program. As in... it's IN Pensacola. So, since I have some amazing friends in Mobile, AL, I'm going to drive there tomorrow and stay with them for the weekend. I am SUPER excited, since I NEVER get to see them. I talk to them on a daily basis, but I have only seen them IRL (hahaha) one other time.

Anyhow, it's just blowing my mind that I'm going to be driving that distance....tomorrow. Eep.

In music news, I am loving this song:

Tik Tok - ke$ha

Heard it via Today's Big Thing and THIS genius Simpson's opening.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Bearer of bad news


You ever notice that in a relationship of any kind, if there is something bothering one party, it weighs on them. Well, the problem is that when they tell the other person, that weight doesn't go away, it simply transfers from them to the other. It's as if the knowledge itself has mass. I think that sucks. I mean, there's nothing you can do to help it, but it still sucks.

Example: There is a boy and a girl and they are friends, but the girl is in love with the boy. This information weighs on her (trust me) but what good does it do to spill it to the boy? Especially if she's relatively sure he doesn't feel that way about her? Then he's just stuck dealing with it. She feels better now that she's not harboring all of these secret feelings, but he has to bear the burden of the knowledge now. So whaddya do?

Example again: There is a dating couple and one feels emotionally not okay about something in the relationship. I mean, at some point, the person has to tell the other about it. That's just what you do. But it still sucks because now the weight of the burden has shifted and while the one doing the telling feels better, sure, the receiver of information now has to feel weighted down and crappy.

Life is hard.

picture found here.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Here comes emptiness crashing in

I am feeling highly whiny this morning, and there really is no venue (save this little bit o'internet) that I can whine to, so aren't you lucky? You get to read about how bummed out I feel this morning. Hey, look on the bright side, I'll probably give you a pretty/sad picture and a nice, depressing song.

You ever just have days where you feel... gross? Like, sad gross. I just cannot feel good this morning. I have weird voice issues and I can't do anything right at home to make my roommate not hate me and this new boyfriend thing is weighing on me, too and it's just... it's making me feel gross. Now I'm at the church and I really need to be working on the bulletin for Sunday, because it's going to be our first one in a new format, but I don't want to do anything but just go somewhere else with people I like that like me and just bask in the friendliness.

Sidebar- it's ironic that after I have (another) disheartening conversation with this new boyfriend, this time about his atheism versus my loving the Jesus, I want nothing but more church and I have all this ushy-gushy Jesus love and I want to sing hymns and learn about being a better Christian and yada yada, and who can't I tell about all this because it's sort of antagonizing? Oh right- the person I really should be able to talk about it with.

Alsoalso- I have talked about the stupid crap people do to each other before, but can I please just talk about for a second how it baffles me further how people can't be nice to each other? Why? Why would you be mean to another person? I am mean, I really am. And frankly, I enjoy being mean. But, if the target person is my friend, or even just someone I have to deal with on a semi-regular basis, why not be civil? No one gets any more out of the interaction when one is mean. And I am kind of a pushover, because when people I have to deal with are mean to me, I just lay down and take it, mostly. Because I don't like being mean (Again, in this particular sense), and it really messes with me when people are mean to me.

Anyhow, whine whine whine. And a song and a photo, as promised:

Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Time Management.


President: We're too late. Without the sword the players will fail.

Member 1: If we could get to a computer, we could sign on to the World of Warcraft and give the boys the sword online.

President: I don't have a World of Warcraft account. Do you?

Member 1: No, I have a life.

If you don't recognize that screenshot, go watch this immediately.

I am currently having a general life conflict. In January and part of February, I felt like I was in some sort of Life-Zen place. I was working out and waking up early every day, I lost about 20 pounds, I wrote my huge, awful, terrible paper, I did my last opera at OCU and my graduate recital and now... I'm sort of lacking in some way.

I wrote this post a couple of days ago, and I feel that a better word for how I feel is Slacking. I'm not waking up like I used to, I'm going to bed later... yada yada. After reevaluating my changes between then and now, the only significant one I can find is that I'm back on the WoW bandwagon. Here's the thing; I frickin' love this game. I love playing it, I love the holidays, pets, achievements... I just really enjoy the game. However- I can quit the game. I have quit it before, but I don't want to quit having a reason to talk to my best friend and her husband every day, because THAT is really important to me.

So the quandary is how to play the somewhat life consuming game and also be working out and losing weight like I was. Granted, not eating crap all the time will help (fell off that bandwagon a bit as well), as will working out. My problem has been finding the time, since before I did it in the morning when I woke up bright and early. Playing the game (AND keeping up with the Craigs) necessitates being tied to the computer during prime sleeping time. I will say that during January and my Life-Zen, I felt like an old lady going to bed at 10:30 every night. It is also not helping my time situation that I am working 8a-5p every day, and that wasn't the case before, either.

Anyway, I think I've finally gotten on the road to the happy medium. Still play, eat like I'm supposed to, but workout either right after work or before bed. Not the most ideal setup, but MUCH better than not doing it at all and I still get my game friends. :)

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Sherree Chamberlain

I am forever indebted to Jason (of Eyes Made Ready fame) for sending this to his sister (Rümmi) so she could send it to me. It is so wonderfulness....

This is an artist that if you EVER get the chance to hear her, DO IT. I got her album a while back and I absolutely love it. I went to Pandora her and when I couldn't find her I was confused. After some checking, I found out that she's local, and that's why she wasn't on there. I went to this amazing show the other night with Robert Deeble, New Plains, and Sherree Chamberlain. It was the most flawless live show I have ever attended.

Birdsong - Sherree Chamberlain

Quick, running up the stairs, do you see what I see
out through the window pane, past the leaves into the trees
Birds fly, birds fly, two, three, four, five
one stays, one stays there

And my sisters laugh at him, "Do you see what he is doing?
It looks like he's talking to the branches."
"Oh come down, right now, don't dilly dally," mother's calling
"Children, it's time for supper."

But I stay up to it, I lock myself inside my bedroom
Thinking about what I was seeing.
Nobody watching, so I pressed my ear up to the glass
To see if I could hear what he was saying.

He said,
It's concrete and stone,
and this old skin's just a bag of bones,
all life is is a simple breath
blood through veins air to our heads,

We have something more than this.

Oh he is an old one with feathers falling, colors greying
Voice is tired from his song
and look in his black eyes, and your proudest stories are worth telling
I know I'll never get to hear them.

'Cause days pass, weeks pass, nights are long and days get shorter
Cold wind blows from the east
And my brothers speculate that he's lost his marbles, he's gone crazy
I heard a much different story

He said,

I lost my mother when I was much younger
to a cat with big paws and big claws.
And my daddy left me when I was a baby
for worms, and caterpillars and warmer places.

We have something more than this.

So snow falls, snow falls, fingers curling, noses icy
we all go out to fetch him
and snow falls, snow falls, a cardboard casket, kerchief on it
Now I know, I know, I know

Snow falls, snow falls, I am crying, mother's calling
I know I must go
And snow falls, snow falls, I am crying, mother's calling
I go, I go, I go

Springs comes, children play, babies born and flowers blooming
I will never forget him

Concrete and stone,
and this old skin's just a bag of bones,
all life is is a simple breath
blood through veins air to our heads,

We had something more than this.

The song sounds fantastic, but I find that the words actually make a huge difference. I just transcribed them as best as I could; it's hard to hear some of it, but you'll get the gist with what I have here, I hope. If you find any errors, please let me know! Enjoy!

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Vulture of Shame

Ok, go read this.


This is maybe my new most favorite concept. After reading that article, I continually refer to the "Vulture of Shame" in conversation.... and no one understands me. I don't care- they'll figure it out eventually.

I just felt the need share this. I love it. ♥

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Still Alive

This is from one of the coolest games I have ever played, Portal. It's a puzzle game where you shoot a gun that makes a portal in the wal--


Just read the article. It's sort of... involved. Anyhow, when you beat the game (which is SO funny and cool), it plays this song. The song is really cute sounding, but it ties into the game too, and it's so... sigh. I love video games.

Still Alive - Portal AI


...I feel fantastic and I'm
still alive.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Come Pick Me Up

I'm not going to lie, I have no idea what this song is about, but it sounds like my day today- tired, a little frustrated, melancholy, ambivalent and lazy. I can't stop listening to it...

Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams

When they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter

I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there
Do you wish it was me
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine

You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
I wish I could

It sounds like slow dancing with a cowboy,

and that ain't never a bad thing.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Easter Candy, or Why New Year's Resolutions to Lose Weight Frequently Don't Succeed

- Ok, I'm going to go ahead and say upfront that this should probably be two different blogs, but one dovetails so nicely into the next that I'm going to leave it. -

I had an epiphany the other day, and it has made me wonder how anyone in the history of ever has kept a New Year's Resolution to lose weight for more than two or three months.

Everybody knows that in January, right after New Year's with its resolutions, the gyms are all packed and most of America goes on some kind of diet. We're all fat, we all wish we weren't, so with a new year comes fresh convictions and optimistic changes and hopes that we can change ourselves for the better. Well, through both personal experience and observation, I can tell you with relative certainty why people don't/can't/won't stay on a diet for very long after the new year.


Shocking, right? Think about this: in January, your diet/exercise plan is both new and novel and you are all excited and maybe even getting some results. Then, BAM! Valentine's Day. Now, if you're single, you might be able to avoid the Valentine candy. But no sooner has that passed than EASTER hits you. And Easter is different; Easter is special. When you really get down to it, there are really four big candy related holidays: Valentine's Day, Easter, Halloween and Christmas. But of all of them, Easter has the most decadent and tempting (irony given the holiday's meaning?) seasonally specific candy. Sure, Valentine's day has conversation hearts and Halloween has candy corn.... but Easter. Who can resist Robin's Eggs? Or.... Cadbury Creme Eggs...... It's a dieting person's nightmare!! Just when you're really getting used to not eating crap (read: tasty, fattening food) all the time is when the absolute most delicious and bad-for-you treat rears its sugary, chocolatey head. And like I said, it's seasonally specific!! You can't even GET Cadbury Creme Eggs any other time of the year, so I, for one, feel like I'm wasting a delicious opportunity by NOT eating one some of them.

I realize that this is getting lengthy (that's what she said), but I have a related topic I must send into the blog-o-whatever. My Caleb friend and I were discussing this very thing last night, but it was within a larger discussion of the differences between men and women. Yeah, yeah, this can go on forever, but it started with me mentioning a girl we both know and how I thought she was absolutely gorgeous. He said that he didn't think she was all that pretty. I, being an avid reader of Smitten blogs, I said that our mutual friend must just be "girl pretty." He, reasonably, had never heard the term, so I explained it with regard to our friend: "She's a girl that girls want to look like, not necessarily a girl that guys find attractive." I supplied a couple more examples of friends we have that I would absolutely kill to look like, but he reiterated that they weren't really what he would consider super attractive. I asked him if there were any dudes that he would want to look like, and he told me that he's never really thought about it. I understand that he's a dude, and dudes don't typically think about their looks in that way, but the interesting thing is that he didn't know how much I, as a girl, thought about it. Let me just let all of the boys in the world in on a secret: Women think about that all the time. Who they'd rather look like. I have an extensive mental list of women- actresses, musicians, friends- that I would love to look like, or at least approach looking like. Most of them are just skinnier than me, but others have good hair or pretty teeth or blue eyes or whatever other trait that I envy to a certain degree. Women are just like that (truly Così fan tutte! Ha ha... opera humor.... ::ahem::).

Anyway, I feel like this could be a contributing factor as to why women are "crazy" or whatever other stereotype you can think of. I mean, it's probably helping with why I'M any bit of crazy. When I say that I compare myself to other women, I mean, every single day, all day, many, many times. When I'm watching TV, or at my crappy retail job at the mall, or at the frickin' grocery store... doesn't matter. I will say this, though- the time it happens the worst, the most consistently? When I eat. Day to day, I can tell you without much thought exactly what I have eaten, what I consider "cheat" food, what I'm planning on eating later and if I have any snacky food at home to facilitate more "cheat" eating later. When I told this to Caleb, he was surprised and just couldn't fathom comparing himself to other dudes like that, or monitoring his food intake with borderline obsession. I'm an emotional eater, too, though, and that doesn't help. THAT'S a whole 'nother blog, though....

This sort of reminds me of a while back, when we were at rehearsal. Our director was telling us that no one knows how beautiful they truly are. "Women, especially. They are always comparing themselves to other women and judging themselves to ridiculous standards. Something else, they're always jealous of each other's hair." At this point, I indicated a friend of mine whose hair is always SO cute and at the same moment she goes, "Yeah, like Courtney." The fact that we proved his point was kind of forgotten as we both just died laughing.

So what does all of this mean? I don't know. Aside from the fact that I need to quit eating so much damn Easter candy, it is just something to think about.


Sunday, March 7, 2010

Today is here!

Well, it's time, ladies and gentlemen. Time for the big, bad, final graduate recital. T-minus 3 hours until I need to be at the school setting up the crap for the live stream of the recital I'm hoping against hope works like it's supposed to. I am going to be very, very sad if it doesn't... but what can you do?

Ok, gotta go curl my hair... or eat a Cadbury Creme egg or something...

Friday, March 5, 2010

Recital Time!

So, for all of you wanting to watch this crazy recital thing, go here Sunday, March 7th, 2010 at 6pm CST. HOPEFULLY (crosses fingers) it will work as planned, though I can't be sure simply because technology sometimes hates me.

Also, I occasionally hear songs that are exactly perfect for a situation... then I hear another song that is also perfect for the same situation. Isn't funny how that works?

but then...

So yeah. That's kind of how I've been feeling lately: completely pulled in two directions. We'll just have to see how it goes, eh?

Hope you can tune in to the recital!! :D

Thursday, February 18, 2010

My last paper EVER!

So, as is my tendency, my LAST PAPER I EVER HAVE TO WRITE EVER is due tomorrow.... and I'm up right now finishing it. I will also likely not sleep this evening, but again... LAST PAPER EVER. I am feeling at least sort of okay about it as I can hand in a piece of crap tomorrow as long as I hand in something. I'll have to revise the heck out of it anyway because that's just what you do with these things.

In a slight bit of interestingness, I'm going to try to finagle a way to live stream my recital to here and also my fancy professional website so you loverly people can sit in your jammies on March 7th at 6pm CST and listen to some big ol' opera.

Okay, well I just needed a little mental break from editing and editing again and writing... so back to the grind.


Sunday, February 14, 2010


This was on Post Secret today. Eegads.


For real.

Monday, February 8, 2010


I'm sure everyone is going to be posting about the Superbowl today, and I am no different. I just want to share the cutest ad ever. I saw it before the Superbowl, and loved it then, so here it is for your viewing pleasure:

CUTEST. I may or may not have gotten choked up the first time I saw it...... (of course I did)

Friday, February 5, 2010

Don't Ever Change

Don't Ever Change - The Beatles

About six months ago, something significant happened in my life. Something that changed me in a very real way. Looking back, it seems almost stupid that this would have had such a profound effect on me, but out of this, I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds closer to understanding what it takes to be an adult and take care of myself. What happened?

I quit biting my nails.

I know, I know. This sounds just totally ridiculous, but let me explain a bit. I have been a nail-biter since I was a child. That's 25 years of literally everyone in my life harassing me about it. The ex-f used to say that he "wouldn't put a ring on hands that looked like that" (which is sort of funny, since he did). But now, every day, I look at my hands and barely recognize them. I watch them do things like pick up a pen or wash dishes and they don't look like my hands. They're pretty; they sometimes have nail polish, which I never used to do. I broke a nail at work and had no idea what to do, as I had never remotely been in that situation before.

Anyway, this may seem like a tiny change, but let me tell you- I never thought I would be a girl with pretty hands. To have positively changed myself in this way was a revelation, of sorts. It made me realize and see that it is possible to make changes to yourself, to your body, and they will last. You can break habits and change your lifestyle. I'm kind of drunk off the possibilities, actually. So as part of my New Leaf Program (the one in which I turn over a new leaf for the new year), I started waking up early (like this) and trying to not be fat (like this, this, and this) and so far, it's been... changey.

I'll let you know if anything crazy happens, like I start cleaning up my room for fun or something.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

This is a website!

(heh heh)

So I want opinions, people.

It's me!

What do you think??

And now that all you crazies know my real name, don't stalk me.

...or do. Whatever.

Anyhow- suggestions, comments, complaints, ninjas, ponies, cash prizes and wildly flamboyant silk robes are all welcome. Thanks!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

What makes a good friend

A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless, but I think you know who you are) once asked me how he could be a better friend. He was/is notorious for being a little flakey, so that was really the only thing I could think of to tell him: quit being so flakey. But I was thinking about it this morning, and I have revised my answer.

There is the sort of common sense, Golden Rule, "Do unto others" philosophy, but I would take it a step further. I'll use the friend I was talking about for my example. With this particular friend, I think I can safely say that he considers me a really good friend. Why? Because that's how I treat him. I don't think that at any point he could say he doubts whether I am his friend or not because the actions and words and what-have-you that are directed at him make him feel like he is important to me and that I care about his well-being. Now, how does he make himself a better friend? Treat ME the same way! That's all there is to it! The more instances that I question how much he values the friendship, the less I feel like I am important to him. Why would a person who feels like they're important to me treat me with an imbalance of priority? Well, there is a degree of selfishness to this, but there is also just laziness. Friendship, like any other relationship, requires effort. The more effort one puts into it, the more you'll get out of it. You'd think diminishing returns would have bitten me in the ass a long time ago, but eh. I try not to let someone else determine my level of contribution to any relationship. That's called being passive aggressive and it's unnecessary, not to mention reeeally annoying.

So..... in short, to be a better friend... be a better friend.

(This kind of turned into a giant bitchfest, and I didn't intend for it to do that. Oh well. I'm going to post it anyway. So there!)

Bah! And in searching for a picture to go with this, I am reminded of THIS bit of genius which, somewhat ironically, fits better than I'd usually admit.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Why I'm Single (by Lemmonex)

Ok, so Lemmonex's post I read today is just about the best thing ever. Enjoy:

Hating animals and the outdoors has rendered me undateable.

If you are a single woman, you know what exactly what I am talking about. The dating landscape is so mired with cliches, down right predictable that I can practically peg what a guy is going to say on a first date (or in his online dating profile…yes, I dabble online) before I even meet him.

Single men love the outdoors. They want someone to go camping with and who enjoys the fresh air. It is an “essential”. Am I a crazy shut in? No, but camping ranks right below a colonic on things I want to have happen to me. Yes, camping happens to people. If someone wants to chase me around a god damn tipi in the woods to fulfill their Pocohontas fantasy, I am game but I sure as shit am not squatting in a hole on the regular. I don’t want to hike. This is why I live in a major metropolitan area.

And dogs! Men and their dogs. THEY LOVE THEIR DOGS. ”You have to love my dog”, they will say. Ya know what, dude? I may like your dog, I more likely will tolerate it and I might even fucking hate it. They show you pictures of their dog, expecting you to cream yourself. They tell you cutesey stories waiting for a hearty laugh. I have a heart and have loved some canines, but this is not the way to this girls heart. Show me a picture of your flat screen TV or your niece. Shit, show me a picture of the Guatamalan orphan you sponsor. This is way more likely to get me wet. I recently had a guy tell me his 5 year plan included owning an awesome dog. SO, let me get this straight…your goal is to be a cliche, but you are not even there yet.

And dudes who love cats? No thanks. I like my men with a penis, please.

They all say “I am just your average guy”. I don’t want average and I do not want to date someone who so easily bows down to the alter of average. God knows no one is truly special, we are never as unique as we think we are, but please try. Give me something, anything. And you hipsters who name bands I have never heard of or who tell tales of spending summers in Nepal washing the feet of the elderly? You are just as average, just as boring. An average guy takes off his khakis, fucks me missionary, drives me to the Olive Garden in his Ford Focus and sends me red roses the next day.

Maybe I am single because I am a judgmental bitch. Maybe I should hug a tree and a dog. Perhaps I should embrace the comfort of breadsticks and sensible fashion. But I can’t, I just can’t. Call me tough, call me rigid, call me undateable. I don’t care. Give me leather, give me the city, give me a steak, give me something new.

Friday, January 8, 2010

All Will Be Well

- I have a whole blog about changing and new leaves and whatnot that I am really excited to write about but just can't write today because all of this other garbage happened. The changey-change blog will come down the pipeline next week probably (as this weekend is occupied primarily by learning Elvira in Don Giovanni before rehearsals start on Monday. EEK. -

Well, today started relatively normally, but it cascaded downward until lunchtime when I applied for a private collegiate loan to pay for this semester (since my school didn't have money for me [which baffles me, but what are you going to do]) and I was pre-denied. Not just regular denied, but pre-denied. Thanks a lot. I didn't want to finish school, anyway. So I went to the school to actually talk to some people and basically, I have no options to get help from anywhere. I will just have to pay for the semester as it happens (which will be ridiculously difficult). I am literally signed up for 1 credit hour because all I have to do is write my paper and do my recital. This whole business is WHOA frustrating.

Blech. I am sort of feeling like this:


garfield minus garfield

But I have to tell you all of that mess so I can tell you the story of right after I got in the car to go to lunch. (Warning: We're about to get a little Jesus-y)

At this point in my day, I had applied, been pre-denied, was on my way to the bank to deposit a paycheck (that is basically already gone to bills) and then go to the school to address my situation. This is one of those times that I am not really as worried as I should be about my personal impending doom. I get into the car and my CD player picks up right where it left off when I got to work. This song:

All Will Be Well - Gabe Dixon Band


All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself,
All will be well.
You can ask Me how but only time will tell.

The winter’s cold,
But the snow still lightly settles on the trees.
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know,
That all will be well.
Even though sometimes this is hard to tell,
And the fight is just as frustrating as hell
All will be well.

All the children walking home past the factories,
Could see the light that’s shining in My window as I write this song to you.
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself
All will be well.
You can ask Me how but only time will tell.

Keep it up and don’t give up
And chase your dreams and you will find

All in time.


Full lyrics here

It started in the middle of the song, so I only wrote down the lyrics I heard from the time I left the parking lot at work to when I turned off the car at the bank. I also added some capitalization because at that moment, it wasn't an ambiguously hopeful song for me. This was literally something God was saying to me. It sounds kind of out there and spiritual-y, but I really believe that. How else could such a perfectly worded promise audibly speak to me at exactly the moment I needed it to? I mean, the CD started at exactly the most perfect spot in the song. Say what you will about coincidence and yada yada, but that's my God. The God that lets me do incredibly stupid and irresponsible crap just so I won't do it anymore (because He totally knows just keeping me from doing it in the first place will never allow me to learn to be a big kid). The God who helps me in little ways so I can help myself in big ways. The God who sometimes says what he needs to say to me through my car CD player. My God is hilarious, clearly, and draws inspiration from any and everything (*cough cough* Transformers *cough* [He also appreciates that I am a big nerd])

That's my God, alright. He's a funny Guy, sometimes, and He's got this whole wacky (read: awful) situation (among many MANY other things) under control. So I'm just going to let Him get this one. He would, anyway, but it makes me feel better when I know I don't have to worry about it.