Stolen!

Have you ever had someone steal something from you? Even if it wasn't yours- they are holding the thing that you handed them, and then, suddenly and without warning, they literally take off running as fast as they can away from you.


It's weird.


At first, I felt totally responsible. Then, I felt not responsible for it at all! Then I worry that my delightful bosslady is going to think I'm irresponsible.

It would have been SO much more convenient for the douchbag to steal from one of the other two, very seasoned associates that I was working with at the time. It happened so fast that it would have gone the same way with them, I feel. Oh well, we'll just see what happens tomorrow morning when bosslady and I open the store.


Best. New Employee. Ever.

The Waiting Game

Welp, I haven't blogged in forever, but I feel like being a whiner. This thing is better than Twitter, because I feel like practically no one reads it. This way, I can be as self-indulgent as I want and I don't even care! Yippee!


So, I feel like I am perpetually waiting for something. I have felt like that for years, really. In a short term sense, I am always waiting on the next paycheck/holiday/gig/audition/whatever to happen. In broader terms, waiting for my potential recital in January. Waiting for May. Waiting to see what will happen in a few months. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.



Lordy. Seriously, how cliché and rambly do I sound right now?! A lot. But that's what happens when you spend every day of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. You just try desperately to be alright with this one shoe. To know that this shoe is pretty good, it's probably your favorite shoe you've ever had. And you hope that you get to keep it and that it will all be wonderful. The thing is, when that other shoe does drops (and it will... eventually), it could be awesome. It could even be the best thing ever. It could also be the most painful and horrible thing you've ever dealt with (which is saying something).

Waiting is horrible. But, as I have been doing my whole life, I'd rather just sit here with this singular shoe and not rock the boat. Because experience has taught me (on more than one occasion) that rocking the boat gets you nowhere but exactly where you don't want to be. Tenuously clinging to this one shoe is at least half hopeful. Once you get the other one (and it's almost always as bad as you had fervently hoped it wouldn't be), then you're stuck with it.


Total Schrödinger's cat.


This is the point in the waiting cycle that I just need to cram a LOT of stuff into every day so I don't think about that shoe so damn much. It's essentially impossible to do that, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I could use the money, anyhow.


With any luck, I'll get this job I interviewed for today. I haven't sold jewelry in a long time, but being in there today to interview, I actually missed it. All of the romance and love and gushiness that goes with jewelry is so good to get swept up in. More living vicariously through other people, but what are you gonna do? I am really hoping that I stayed in the jewelry selling business because I liked selling it and not for anything else.


A song for good measure:



Many the Miles - Sara Bareilles

Who's a cliché?

Yeah, that would be me.

I need a job. Really, really bad. And I'm looking. I really am. I have applied to dozens of places and I have yet to get even a call. Oy. I feel like such a frickin' cliché by being unemployed but willing to work. However, I have a holy grail of a job that may be out of my league anyway, but I applied. And my cover letter kicked ass, if I do say so myself. So this is my little plea to the internet to send good thoughts and prayers and whatnot my way. My holy grail job is actually one that I would be very good at and would actually LOVE to be involved in. I don't know that I've ever wanted a job like I want this job. So.... if I could get some good karma this way, I'd appreciate it.


Thanks, guys.

Missing

You ever just feel like you've missed someone? In a timing way, I mean. Like... I don't know, there was maybe a person and it felt like there was something... and then...



If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix


I realize that a 3 day business conference is not the most reliable or likely place to meet someone that you could potentially connect with on lots of levels and make you laugh and has that... that thing... but never say never, right?

Well, it is par for the course that this person- this highly intelligent, incredibly interesting person- would obviously be related to my business in such a way that it's just downright inadvisable to see where it would go. Let me just say that it has been a long damn time since I have encountered a person that I thought, "Hm... I just want to be around you and see what you're all about," and they have thoughts even approaching reciprocated.



Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up) - Florence + the Machine

And they were reciprocated! But also mutually... declined? Turned away? It wasn't even a rejection. It was a decision to be responsible* and walk away. And the thing that kills me is that no matter how correct we were to do that... Gah! I just feel like there was something there. Or at least, there sure was potential to be...


*I couldn't find an appropriate text quality (bold, italic, all caps, some combination of those) to express my incredibly sad and disappointed FURY at this word in this particular context.

kisses are a better fate
than wisdom.
-e.e. cummings

Hiatus.

So, I read about this book and also read this article and it makes me wonder:


Should I quit the internet for a while?


I mean, I can't totally quit because I work from home and a LOT of it is done via email, but I could at least quit Facebook and Twitter (let's get real- even if you have Myspace, we all quit that a long time ago...) and try to forge some ACTUAL relationships! Go out and DO things!




Kelli O'Hara - "The Beauty Is" from Light in the Piazza by Adam Guettel


As far as the logistics of such a move, it would basically just be the social parts of the internet that I would "quit." I figure that I can still watch my TV online as even pre-Facebook culture had television. I can still Google stuff and listen to music online and everything that the internet can offer me as far as information, but just not the false interaction that one gets from looking at a friend's wedding pictures and sort of feeling like you were there.




Cosmic Love - Florence + the Machine


I guess my biggest hesitation (fear...?) is that I won't feel any less alone by pulling away from it. I feel pretty alone now, but again, this is an alone that is propagated by just sitting on my ass all day since I can "see" my friends any time I log in to Facebook. Also, this drops in early December, and as I have previously mentioned, I do like playing the game and I love my friends that also play it, so that makes it rough to just STOP interneting. Though, I guess WoW is a game and isn't strictly social, but still. If I quit the others, the WoW would likely suffer. Anyway, I just kind of feel like making a change in the ol' life to try to jumpstart its not sucking. I don't know where blogging or not blogging would fit into this scenario. I wouldn't blog, obviously, but I don't know how much I would read of others' blogs because that seems like exactly the sort of thing I'm trying to cut out. So that's up in the air.




Heavy in Your Arms - Florence + the Machine


I will say this: Florence + the Machine is helping quite a bit with the not sucking part.


Anyway, what do you guys think about quitting the internet?

In the musicals

Loving this song:



In the Musicals - Björk


So this post isn't a huge deal or anything, but I wanted to write it down someplace just... I don't know, for posterity, or something. It will more than likely be one of those blogs (ooo! Blog from elsewhere...) that will make me feel silly when I read it later, but oh well. Like I said, I just wanted to write it.



I was NOT, however, going to just put it where anyone can see it! If you want to read it, I'll gladly give you the password. Just email me at tracyneproski (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll be more than happy to send the password your way. :)





Click on the dots to read the post (after you get the password from me, of course): ***

Now that I know how this works,
I may be using it more often. Hmm....

Tattoo

As much as I'm not a super duper fan of tattoos, especially matching ones, this is pretty cool:





His is light, like a computer monitor or an LED.
Hers is like paint, primary colors and their combinations.


Very nerdy/cool.







via

Messy Bedroom

So I have noticed a weird thing I do. When I move into a new place, or even after I've been living there a while, when I go to clean it, I clean the kitchen and the living room.... and then either slow down immensely or stop. Looking around my new place, my kitchen is totally unpacked and up and running, as is my living room. My dining room area has a couple of boxes in it, but since I don't have a dining table as of yet, there's not much going on in that room anyway. The bookshelf is in there, though, and it is totally unpacked and decorated and whatever. I even hung most of my art already. In the living room, mind you, not in my room.

My bedroom is woefully neglected with regard to unpacking and decorating. I made my bed all pretty, but mainly because when I Skype with Bosslady, she can see it behind me. I have literally not unpacked the VAST majority of my clothes, but my Xbox is ready to go. Anyone else experience this weird unpacking priority?

Tee hee

Sorry I've been gone for-EV-er... I promise promise that I'll update soon with talk of my big move to Texas (yay!!), my big kid job and lots and lots of other things that I should have been writing about, but I just haven't. I guess I didn't want to jinx them? Who knows....


Also, dear blah blah blah,

I'm really curious as to where you're headed with this. Part of me wants to just ignore it completely; as if the words never registered (a taste of your own medicine, perhaps?), but I'm just so curious. I'm also wondering if you think that you still have the same power over me that you once did. You would be very wrong as you so kindly broke me of that about a year ago. I'm not mad, but then again, I'm never mad. Irritated, frustrated, sometimes, but never mad. In any case, I'm still here. I'm always here. But it would take a helluva lot more than some words I wanted to hear a year ago for me to just fall all over myself again. Like I said, I actually have you to thank for my bolstered spirit. Anyway, continue with your wonderful life!

-Alyssa

A Letter to Seester

Dear Seester,


I love you. You are my favorite sister, but seriously. I would really rather you not respond to my random inside joke text with a phone call telling me how you're out with all of the people I'd love to be out with but can't because I A) don't live in Wichita Falls anymore and B) don't have to extra fundage to go down there every weekend. I would also appreciate it if you would refrain from telling me the stories reinforcing how you're the dangerous, mysterious, and cool sister. I know you are. It's painful enough just being the boring, straight-laced, un-adventurous one, but you letting me know that the guy who has been my go-to crush on guy since fourth grade said that you're "super f*&^ing hot" was almost over the line of what I can reasonably handle. Even if it doesn't seem like it bothers me or matters, it does; on both counts. I'm not the cool one. I'm okay with it most of the time. I'd like it if you didn't rub it in...

*sigh*

-§

picture via

Worklife.

Ready to take a ride on my train of thought? Here we go!

Working on Project 1 ->
Look up something on the internet ->
Get distracted and work on Project 2 ->
Look up something else on the internet ->
Realize I'm being scattered ->
Wish I was better focused and think about that I need to get myself medicated for ADD ->
Remember that I don't have health insurance at my new job ->
Ponder life and how much it's going to cost versus what I will be making ->
Wonder if I'll have enough money to get medicated ->
Think about how cool/productive life would be if I WAS medicated (or at least the option) ->
Remember that I'm supposed to be working ->
Repeat from beginning.



So... that's life today.

Stupid.

A day or so ago, Jason was talking about Sherree Chamberlain (one of my most favorite artists) and said that one of her songs was "a song that I can sympathize with so completely that I'm almost ashamed to admit it." I heard a one this weekend that made me think of that sentiment- one that I can sympathize with very completely. Enjoy, y'alls. :)


Stupid - The Long Winters

Bearer of bad news

You ever notice that in a relationship of any kind, if there is something bothering one party, it weighs on them. Well, the problem is that when they tell the other person, that weight doesn't go away, it simply transfers from them to the other. It's as if the knowledge itself has mass. I think that sucks. I mean, there's nothing you can do to help it, but it still sucks.

Example: There is a boy and a girl and they are friends, but the girl is in love with the boy. This information weighs on her (trust me) but what good does it do to spill it to the boy? Especially if she's relatively sure he doesn't feel that way about her? Then he's just stuck dealing with it. She feels better now that she's not harboring all of these secret feelings, but he has to bear the burden of the knowledge now. So whaddya do?

Example again: There is a dating couple and one feels emotionally not okay about something in the relationship. I mean, at some point, the person has to tell the other about it. That's just what you do. But it still sucks because now the weight of the burden has shifted and while the one doing the telling feels better, sure, the receiver of information now has to feel weighted down and crappy.


Life is hard.



picture found here.

Here comes emptiness crashing in

I am feeling highly whiny this morning, and there really is no venue (save this little bit o'internet) that I can whine to, so aren't you lucky? You get to read about how bummed out I feel this morning. Hey, look on the bright side, I'll probably give you a pretty/sad picture and a nice, depressing song.

You ever just have days where you feel... gross? Like, sad gross. I just cannot feel good this morning. I have weird voice issues and I can't do anything right at home to make my roommate not hate me and this new boyfriend thing is weighing on me, too and it's just... it's making me feel gross. Now I'm at the church and I really need to be working on the bulletin for Sunday, because it's going to be our first one in a new format, but I don't want to do anything but just go somewhere else with people I like that like me and just bask in the friendliness.

Sidebar- it's ironic that after I have (another) disheartening conversation with this new boyfriend, this time about his atheism versus my loving the Jesus, I want nothing but more church and I have all this ushy-gushy Jesus love and I want to sing hymns and learn about being a better Christian and yada yada, and who can't I tell about all this because it's sort of antagonizing? Oh right- the person I really should be able to talk about it with.

Alsoalso- I have talked about the stupid crap people do to each other before, but can I please just talk about for a second how it baffles me further how people can't be nice to each other? Why? Why would you be mean to another person? I am mean, I really am. And frankly, I enjoy being mean. But, if the target person is my friend, or even just someone I have to deal with on a semi-regular basis, why not be civil? No one gets any more out of the interaction when one is mean. And I am kind of a pushover, because when people I have to deal with are mean to me, I just lay down and take it, mostly. Because I don't like being mean (Again, in this particular sense), and it really messes with me when people are mean to me.

Anyhow, whine whine whine. And a song and a photo, as promised:


Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper

The Vulture of Shame

Ok, go read this.




Shaaaaaame


This is maybe my new most favorite concept. After reading that article, I continually refer to the "Vulture of Shame" in conversation.... and no one understands me. I don't care- they'll figure it out eventually.

I just felt the need share this. I love it. ♥

Come Pick Me Up

I'm not going to lie, I have no idea what this song is about, but it sounds like my day today- tired, a little frustrated, melancholy, ambivalent and lazy. I can't stop listening to it...





Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams

When they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter

I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there
Do you wish it was me
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine

You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
I wish I could

It sounds like slow dancing with a cowboy,

and that ain't never a bad thing.

Recital Time!

So, for all of you wanting to watch this crazy recital thing, go here Sunday, March 7th, 2010 at 6pm CST. HOPEFULLY (crosses fingers) it will work as planned, though I can't be sure simply because technology sometimes hates me.

Also, I occasionally hear songs that are exactly perfect for a situation... then I hear another song that is also perfect for the same situation. Isn't funny how that works?



but then...




So yeah. That's kind of how I've been feeling lately: completely pulled in two directions. We'll just have to see how it goes, eh?


Hope you can tune in to the recital!! :D

Don't Ever Change

Don't Ever Change - The Beatles



About six months ago, something significant happened in my life. Something that changed me in a very real way. Looking back, it seems almost stupid that this would have had such a profound effect on me, but out of this, I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds closer to understanding what it takes to be an adult and take care of myself. What happened?





I quit biting my nails.


I know, I know. This sounds just totally ridiculous, but let me explain a bit. I have been a nail-biter since I was a child. That's 25 years of literally everyone in my life harassing me about it. The ex-f used to say that he "wouldn't put a ring on hands that looked like that" (which is sort of funny, since he did). But now, every day, I look at my hands and barely recognize them. I watch them do things like pick up a pen or wash dishes and they don't look like my hands. They're pretty; they sometimes have nail polish, which I never used to do. I broke a nail at work and had no idea what to do, as I had never remotely been in that situation before.


Anyway, this may seem like a tiny change, but let me tell you- I never thought I would be a girl with pretty hands. To have positively changed myself in this way was a revelation, of sorts. It made me realize and see that it is possible to make changes to yourself, to your body, and they will last. You can break habits and change your lifestyle. I'm kind of drunk off the possibilities, actually. So as part of my New Leaf Program (the one in which I turn over a new leaf for the new year), I started waking up early (like this) and trying to not be fat (like this, this, and this) and so far, it's been... changey.


I'll let you know if anything crazy happens, like I start cleaning up my room for fun or something.