What makes a good friend

A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless, but I think you know who you are) once asked me how he could be a better friend. He was/is notorious for being a little flakey, so that was really the only thing I could think of to tell him: quit being so flakey. But I was thinking about it this morning, and I have revised my answer.

There is the sort of common sense, Golden Rule, "Do unto others" philosophy, but I would take it a step further. I'll use the friend I was talking about for my example. With this particular friend, I think I can safely say that he considers me a really good friend. Why? Because that's how I treat him. I don't think that at any point he could say he doubts whether I am his friend or not because the actions and words and what-have-you that are directed at him make him feel like he is important to me and that I care about his well-being. Now, how does he make himself a better friend? Treat ME the same way! That's all there is to it! The more instances that I question how much he values the friendship, the less I feel like I am important to him. Why would a person who feels like they're important to me treat me with an imbalance of priority? Well, there is a degree of selfishness to this, but there is also just laziness. Friendship, like any other relationship, requires effort. The more effort one puts into it, the more you'll get out of it. You'd think diminishing returns would have bitten me in the ass a long time ago, but eh. I try not to let someone else determine my level of contribution to any relationship. That's called being passive aggressive and it's unnecessary, not to mention reeeally annoying.



So..... in short, to be a better friend... be a better friend.


(This kind of turned into a giant bitchfest, and I didn't intend for it to do that. Oh well. I'm going to post it anyway. So there!)


Bah! And in searching for a picture to go with this, I am reminded of THIS bit of genius which, somewhat ironically, fits better than I'd usually admit.



BIRDIES!

They love the chase

In the famous words of Lady Gaga: Boys, boys, boys.


In the trials and tribulations of my existence as a single, a taken and a somewhere in-between person, it has often been said to me, "You have to let them chase you: Guys love the chase."


I hate that.


My knee-jerk reaction is to say, "Yeah, whatever," but I know they do. I've seen them do it! They, for the most part, just don't chase me. This isn't a whiny "poor, poor me; nobody likes me" statement, I'm just not the type of girl that you chase. I'm basically just sitting here waiting for someone to walk up and say, "Hi. I like you," because if I like him, too, that will be all it will take. Insta-relationship. Which, I guess, might not be "fun," and also is partially to blame for my un-datableness.

I came to understand a long time ago that I'm not a girl you date. That's another thing people say to me. "You're not a girl guys date, you're a girl guys marry." That has started to make more sense as of late because I am able to look back on past relationships and see the potential future ones differently.

Let me explain. No, there is too much, let me sum up (YES!): There are people that say they don't like the chase... and then there's me. I am not saying that I think a guy shouldn't have to work a little (because if they don't have to work for the relationship, apparently this is evidence that they didn't really want it or that they don't appreciate it or something...), I'm just saying that the whole call, don't call, wait a suitable amount of time before returning a text, I'm going to pretend I don't really like you so you're going to have to try harder, yes means no, no means yes, bullshit is a waste of mental energy. A sample conversation:


Boy (or girl): I like you, you seem interesting. Let's date.
Girl (or boy): I agree. Let's.


How hard is that?!? Just say it. Or, alternatively:


Boy (or girl): I like you, you seem interesting. Let's date.
Girl (or boy): Well, I'm not really thinking that's a good idea.
Boy (or girl): Hm.. ok. That bites.


Though, the whole problem is that in that second scenario, if the girl shoots him down but the guy is persistent... there is a chase. And if the girl really isn't interested, the chase is still fun for her because she's getting all the attention, even if she doesn't want it from him. Conceptually, I get it. I really do, but if I'm not interested in a guy, I don't want him chasing me. Seriously! I run into that when I go out sometimes (read: it happened once). Not that guys hit on me all the time, but when they do, it's inevitably someone I have NO interest in and I basically just want them to go away, but I don't want to be mean, so it's just reaaaallly awkward. I also tend to lean toward husband shopping when I'm out. Roomie hates that term, and as I define it as simply not giving much of a chance to guys that don't scream long term potential to me, she decided it's more like husband eliminating, which is appropriate, too. Either way, I don't really meet people when we go out. But basically, if I'm already friends with someone, there is almost no chance that we will date because I get myself into the dreaded Friend Zone and can't get out (read: though it did happen once).

However, the one time that it did last longer than six months, there was no chase. He actually told me after we'd been dating for a little bit that he usually will string a girl along for a while and then maybe date her or maybe not, but he could tell that I "wasn't going to put up with that," so he didn't do it that way. I had forgotten about this until pretty recently, but it just goes to show you that the way you catch them is the way you keep them. Our relationship had lots of things, but it one thing it didn't have was stupid games.

This is what my Roomie said, and I like it:

"If you enjoy spending time with him, and he enjoys spending time with you, then just go with it and see what happens. You can't strategize and you can't force it; it will just be what it is. Sometimes, well, most of the time, it isn't unanimous. But when it is, it's amazing."



So anyhow, this whole thing was all rambly and not really directed at anything, it's just something I've been fixated on in the recent times. But I'm really, really, really, really, really excited for this weekend because my best friend evar is getting married!! I haven't ever been in a wedding before, and I'm her Maid of Honor! It's going to be a rocking good time!


So any of you single groomsmen, guests or innocent bystanders... I'm a single, optimistic Maid of Honor at my best friend in the world's wedding. Fair warning:


Look out.