Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I am not a scholar.

Clearly, as what I was deeming a "kickass" paper just got ripped to shreds and didn't even get a passing grade (Yeah, sad story- I'm going to talk to the prof tomorrow). In trying to figure out how I could possibly have so grossly misjudged my paper and its worthiness, I have sort of stumbled onto this truth:

I am not a scholar.

This is not really news to me, but it hasn't been so apparent (and annoying) until recently. Lots of my prof's comments on my not-so-"kickass" paper are things like "why?" and it's sort of been like that (though much less) before. Also, my presentation sort of went down that way, too, with everyone asking why things were like that or why they did it that way. Here's the thing... for me, personally, I don't care why most anything is anything else. Most of my beliefs about... well, most things (most, most, most) are that way. I don't feel the need to know why, why it is the way it is, where it came from, about.... anything. Basically, I'm of the opinion that if it works, it works and that's all I need to know. Honestly, the way my brain processes things is a lot of the problem with regard to this specific class. I simply do not approach the information in this class the way I'm supposed to, and I don't think I can, either. Not without hand holding and lots of help because, I have never been trained to think about anything like this and probably even less helpful for the purposes of this class, since I have no desire to be good at this, it's impossible for me to even try to figure it out. Call it lazy if you want. I can only view it as an intense waste of energy, as I just have a really hard time with it and it will be of little (if any) use to me in the future.

It's sort of like me and subtlety. My whole world is basically the opposite of subtle. So when, in art of any kind (music, film, visual art), the point, the part I'm supposed to "get," is subtle... count me out. If you tell me what the point is, I can go, "Oh, yeah. Cool," and I will understand it, but I will rarely, if EVER, get it on my own. That's just the way it is. I have accepted this and it doesn't bother me. I just know this about myself. This concept feels like this class, where when he explains it to me, I understand it and know why it was wrong, but I would NEVER have seen that initially, which is why I turned whatever assignment it was in at all. If I had known that it was terrible, why would I have turned it in, or generated it in the first place?

The moral of this story is that if I'd wanted to be a scholar, I would have gone to a different school. I want to be a performer, and that is something they teach here pretty effectively.

Sad paperclip here

This was kind of lengthy. Sorry. However...

I'm about to watch a movie with someone a timezone away, which always makes life feel better.