Who's a cliché?

Yeah, that would be me.

I need a job. Really, really bad. And I'm looking. I really am. I have applied to dozens of places and I have yet to get even a call. Oy. I feel like such a frickin' cliché by being unemployed but willing to work. However, I have a holy grail of a job that may be out of my league anyway, but I applied. And my cover letter kicked ass, if I do say so myself. So this is my little plea to the internet to send good thoughts and prayers and whatnot my way. My holy grail job is actually one that I would be very good at and would actually LOVE to be involved in. I don't know that I've ever wanted a job like I want this job. So.... if I could get some good karma this way, I'd appreciate it.


Thanks, guys.

Weirdness

I was recently reminded of this:




via


I want to find that so badly.


I just wonder... how do you know? Because nothing is perfect and shiny and wonderful all the time, and for God only knows what reason (for there are many from which to choose), I feel like I can't trust myself to just know anymore. "Swing at the pitches you can hit." Sure, but it worries me that I am not swinging like I used to. I get all nervous and over think the whole process and by the time that I either should really have swung or just put the damn bat down, I think, "Geez... I really should have hit that one out of the park."

For whatever reason, and I honestly don't know what the reason is, there is a hesitation in the swinging that has never been there before. I feel like maybe a ball beaned me in the head and now I'm just scared of the ball in general. I am becoming petrified that a ball I SHOULD have hit over the fence is gonna end up past me simply because I froze on a perfectly good pitch.

Okay, I'm officially weirding myself out now. Why am I nervous about this weekend? I am excited. I am. But I am also moderately terrified and it's making my week actually feel weighty. If I can get out of my own way enough for this to just happen, it will all be more than fine, I'm sure. And, hell, it may be all totally fine as soon as he gets off the plane, but until that moment, I get to be worried and terrified and nervous.


AND then there's the various job related stresses, too. Yippee! Oy. I haven't really talked about it, but I really feel like I am supposed to be in San Marcos for some purpose. The journey to get here was such that I couldn't have done it without a goodly measure of help, but I am just kind of feeling the pressure a bit this week. It's a big week. I will be SO immeasurably glad to see my Meredith friend on Tuesday, and then my boy person on Friday.


Yes. A big week, indeed.

WALKING DEAD

Ok, you guys know... I watch a LOT of television. I mean, I have 15 shows in my Hulu subscriptions queue, but that doesn't count the FANTASTIC Mad Men or the newest (and potentially even MORE fabulous) Walking Dead. Holy SHIT you guys...... I am not really a zombie person (though I did really enjoy Zombieland), but this is just impeccable. The cute sign holding guy from Love Actually is the main character and... I just cannot be more impressed with this.




I'm adding it to the already ridiculous list of shows I religiously follow and commend the hell out of AMC for another job incredibly well done.






And I will leave you with this song. I hope it works, since my favorite forever drop.io is going away, I need to find another musicy source.




Space Junk - Wang Chung

Not Sleepy Thoughts

"I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone no matter how many people are around."

- Dr. John Dorian

I am quite accustomed to being a third wheel. I like to think that I'm not too awkward about it and that I handle it with an amount of grace most of the time. Here lately, though... it's reaching a breaking point. I know that I am beginning to sound like a desperate, crazy person, but for real. I love all of my friends, it's just that they're all IN LOVE with each other and I feel like a bigger and more hopeless disappointment to myself after each time we all hang out.

I think the thing that frustrates me so much about it is that I can't force it to happen any faster than it just will. "It" being meeting a dude I can stand to talk to for more than 30 seconds that doesn't find me repulsive. I've started to have these really disconcerting thoughts lately like, "Maybe I just never will meet anyone. Maybe I'll just be alone forever," and let me tell you what, that will put a damper on your day in a hurry. I have just never had that thought occur to me. I will get married. I will have kids. These haven't been optional life occurrences. But, again, I can't do it by myself and I suck so bad at the meet, chitchat, play the game part that my future is looking rather bleak at the moment. Anyway, just venting my thoughts to the internet again.

And more bad news: One of my very favorite websites drop.io is closing because Facebook bought them. I am incredibly sad about this and that also means that after December, you won't be able to hear or download the music on my blog. As it is, I can't upload anything new, either. Luckily, this was already on a different drop.



Ghosts - Laura Marling

Hopefully, I can find a suitable substitute. :(

Missing

You ever just feel like you've missed someone? In a timing way, I mean. Like... I don't know, there was maybe a person and it felt like there was something... and then...



If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix


I realize that a 3 day business conference is not the most reliable or likely place to meet someone that you could potentially connect with on lots of levels and make you laugh and has that... that thing... but never say never, right?

Well, it is par for the course that this person- this highly intelligent, incredibly interesting person- would obviously be related to my business in such a way that it's just downright inadvisable to see where it would go. Let me just say that it has been a long damn time since I have encountered a person that I thought, "Hm... I just want to be around you and see what you're all about," and they have thoughts even approaching reciprocated.



Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up) - Florence + the Machine

And they were reciprocated! But also mutually... declined? Turned away? It wasn't even a rejection. It was a decision to be responsible* and walk away. And the thing that kills me is that no matter how correct we were to do that... Gah! I just feel like there was something there. Or at least, there sure was potential to be...


*I couldn't find an appropriate text quality (bold, italic, all caps, some combination of those) to express my incredibly sad and disappointed FURY at this word in this particular context.

kisses are a better fate
than wisdom.
-e.e. cummings

Hiatus.

So, I read about this book and also read this article and it makes me wonder:


Should I quit the internet for a while?


I mean, I can't totally quit because I work from home and a LOT of it is done via email, but I could at least quit Facebook and Twitter (let's get real- even if you have Myspace, we all quit that a long time ago...) and try to forge some ACTUAL relationships! Go out and DO things!




Kelli O'Hara - "The Beauty Is" from Light in the Piazza by Adam Guettel


As far as the logistics of such a move, it would basically just be the social parts of the internet that I would "quit." I figure that I can still watch my TV online as even pre-Facebook culture had television. I can still Google stuff and listen to music online and everything that the internet can offer me as far as information, but just not the false interaction that one gets from looking at a friend's wedding pictures and sort of feeling like you were there.




Cosmic Love - Florence + the Machine


I guess my biggest hesitation (fear...?) is that I won't feel any less alone by pulling away from it. I feel pretty alone now, but again, this is an alone that is propagated by just sitting on my ass all day since I can "see" my friends any time I log in to Facebook. Also, this drops in early December, and as I have previously mentioned, I do like playing the game and I love my friends that also play it, so that makes it rough to just STOP interneting. Though, I guess WoW is a game and isn't strictly social, but still. If I quit the others, the WoW would likely suffer. Anyway, I just kind of feel like making a change in the ol' life to try to jumpstart its not sucking. I don't know where blogging or not blogging would fit into this scenario. I wouldn't blog, obviously, but I don't know how much I would read of others' blogs because that seems like exactly the sort of thing I'm trying to cut out. So that's up in the air.




Heavy in Your Arms - Florence + the Machine


I will say this: Florence + the Machine is helping quite a bit with the not sucking part.


Anyway, what do you guys think about quitting the internet?

In the musicals

Loving this song:



In the Musicals - Björk


So this post isn't a huge deal or anything, but I wanted to write it down someplace just... I don't know, for posterity, or something. It will more than likely be one of those blogs (ooo! Blog from elsewhere...) that will make me feel silly when I read it later, but oh well. Like I said, I just wanted to write it.



I was NOT, however, going to just put it where anyone can see it! If you want to read it, I'll gladly give you the password. Just email me at tracyneproski (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll be more than happy to send the password your way. :)





Click on the dots to read the post (after you get the password from me, of course): ***

Now that I know how this works,
I may be using it more often. Hmm....

Bossanova

Mmmmm, y'all. I am loving this song. It's... well, I don't know what it is, but I like it.




Blue Bossanova - Bossanova







via