Thursday, July 9, 2009

TMI: Or possibly Not Enough Information... (NEI)

As per last week, this is not quite typical of a TMI, even though it does have some sex in it (Woo hoo!) and it IS embarrassing. Even so, that geriatric boobie grabbing gets me every time!

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, "how many readers can I estrange THIS week??" TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else's!***

TMI Thursday

Against my better judgement, I'm going to embarrass myself. Usually, if I have the option to embarrass myself, or NOT, I choose not. But I'll throw myself on the sword this TMIT and tell everyone about my sexual naïvety as a young, but not so young, person.

We learned last week that I was one prude somebody for the majority of my life. Still am, really (in case you're freaking out, Dad), but there was a level that even I look at now and think, "What was wrong with me?"

Example: For a while in early high school, I had this totally absurd relationship "rule", if you will, that there was no kissing for, I think it was a month, or something equally ridiculous. I'm a little foggy because it didn't really stick around, but to clarify: From the time we started being BF-GF ("Will you go out with me?" Lawl), there was "supposed" to be a MONTH that passed before we kissed. I think I even lost one BECAUSE of that. Not that I blame him. I was a gal that stuck to her guns.

Anyprude*, I'm here to address my sexual idiocy, not my general idiocy. When I was in late elementary school, the schools did "Hot Topics" in Health class where they talked about girls getting their period and boys becoming men (Whatever that entails specifically. They split us up...) and you had to have your parents sign a permission form so you could even HEAR this really special, ultra-secret, grownup information. I had this week-long event every year for 3 years. So it begs the question:

How in the world did I have no idea what "the sex" really was?

Y'all, I'm not kidding. I knew it had to do with kissing, and it was in a bed and I was pretty sure it had to do with the parts that a bikini covered becoming UNcovered (I had gathered this much from movies, I guess), but that was as far as I got. I don't know where I came up with this, but I really, honestly and actually, I'm-not-making-this-up thought that these were the steps to having a baby:

  1. Get married. (Because people that aren't married don't have babies. Duh.)

  2. Make an appointment with God. (Still not making this up, people)

  3. Have baby. (There! That was easy!)

I can't remember exactly when the whole P-in-the-V connection was made, but I vividly recall thinking, "What? No way. In? Like... IN in??" and being somewhat horrified. I'm sure it didn't exactly help that the diagrams I had been seeing for the past "Hot Topics" sessions looked like this:


I just have to think that surely... SURELY someone at some point had explained that the P goes IN the V, but I either was asleep or wondering what that scrotesticlepenis was or who even knows, and I didn't get the memo. I really think that even when they said it, I looked up at that flaccid line drawing and just dismissed the statement as unimportant.

3 years.

3 different "Hot Topics" presentations.

HOW did I not know?! So tragic.

*That's for you, Sassyginger!!


SassyLittleGinger said...

anyprude? oh geez, i'm rubbing off on you.

honestly though, i didn't understand the whole "concept" for awhile either. i think i was in 8th grade when i grasped it for good, because guys would use the finger motions to ask what you prefer. Either two circles touching, two pointer fingers touching, or a pointer finger going inside a circle made by the thumb and pointer finger. then i grasped it. "OHHHH! so the P goes IN the V!" sweet!

it was history from there.

LiLu said...

You forgot the part where God gives you permission to have said baby. Lord knows he doesn't just hand that shiz out.

Oh wait... the deep South begs to differ. Zing!

Anonymous said...

Make an appointment with God?! It's okay, i didn't know what it was until 6th grade when my two bffs explained it to me by writing very detailed sexually explicit stories for me. These stories put penthouse letters to shame.

Mary Ellen said...

Well, I got the concept right away but thought it was TOO HILARIOUS TO BE BELIEVED. For some reason, as oldest girl I got the details earlier and had the smug pleasure of relaying it to my brothers who were equally incredulous.

Pop and Ice said...

I didn't have sex until I was 23. And I mean NO SEX. But I caught up nicely. Nuff said.

Courtney said...

You guys are great! I'm so glad that I can provide entertainment for your various workdays or stay-at-home days. :)

It's comforting that I was not alone in my lack of knowledge at that age. I think at the time I felt stunted, but that was as much from my parents and their need to shelter me from EVERYTHING as my own dumbitude (which was massive).

Zan said...

Did you know that there are still grown people who think that women pee out of their vaginas? Like there is only one hole (besides the no-no hole) down there. WTF is up with that?

Organic Meatbag said...

Whaaa???? The P goes IN the V? THAT is what I've been doing wrong?!