Oh, bother.

An open letter to a boy I'd very much like to date, but who, right now, is just plain pissing me off: 


You're a "sad panda," are you? Seriously?


Well, you know what would help with that? Talking to someone. Someone who really cares about what you feel and think and desperately wants to be there for you and help you NOT be sad. You DO realize that moping around and being sad on Facebook achieves two things: 1) It makes you look pitiful and 2) It makes me feel EXACTLY LIKE YOU'RE FEELING... except with some anger and active frustration mixed in. The only person making you a sad panda is YOU, because I sure as hell want to make you happy. I certainly cannot force you to be interested in me, but damn. You should be. It would sure solve a lot of our mutual problems. So give me a break and quit being an idiot. If you're going to persist in not being interested, the least you could do is man up a little and TELL ME you're not so I can quit wasting my energy being smitten with you. I feel like can't do any more than I already have: I drove a lot of hours to see you for not much time and support your endeavors AND give you presents... and I have heard nary a word from you since then. I think you are simply delightful and, frankly, pretty much everything I have ever been looking for, so QUIT BEING RIDICULOUS and whining about how no one cares about you and get with the frakking program. If there is something I should be doing that would make a difference, I really wish I knew what it was. I live to serve.



 -me






 
via

Direction

It's getting to the point in my life where I am feeling like I am supposed to be doing something else. This is approaching last 6 months in OKC proportions. I hated life so much during that time, and I could tell that it was unequivocally a direction from the universe to get out of there. As soon as I left, life was immediately better.




As much as I love equally, but differently, both jobs, this is getting to be too much of a pain to make them work together with each other. Maybe it's because I'm disorganized or frazzled or too busy or whatever, but it's too much for me. Ideally, I'd like a 20-25 hour a week office job that is the SAME. Every week. And then work at one of the other jobs to fill in the gaps (I know which one I'd pick, but I'd rather not say and somehow jinx myself).



Don't Get Married Without Me - Punch Brothers


This song sounds so cool to me. I keep listening to it over and over. Not really relevant, I just like it. Oh, and there's the opera, too. Oof. This is one of those moments where I am just waiting on a definitive statement from the universe as to which direction I am supposed to move. Because change is a'comin'. I can feel it....

New Beginnings

I love the butterflies and fun expectation of a new relationship as much as the next girl, but you know what I hate? The not knowing. I just want to know where it's headed right at the get go. I have said before that I hate the game, and it's honestly probably more because I just suck at it than that I truly don't like it, but I have rarely met a dude where I wasn't able to tell within about 10 minutes (or FAR less) if I wanted to either just shake hands and say, "Thanks for showing up, but please go away," or dive right in and be inseparable. The waiting is the worst part. I just want to skip to the mutual "I like you"s and get on with it.




Patience: do not has. But I'll carry on as best I can. Between both retail jobs, the church gig and the opera in full frickin' swing, obviously the best thing for me to do is try to add a new relationship (lolol). Although, life has been quite a bit brighter since Valentine's Day. It's funny how actually adding to this already insanely busy life has made it all seem lighter in general.



:)

Magic

I want magic.


"I want magic," from Streetcar Named Desire by Andre Previn. Sung by Renee Fleming

Real! Who wants real?
I know I don't want it. I want magic!
Magic! Yes! That's what I want!
That's what I try to give to people.

I do misrepresent things.
I don't tell the truth.
But I tell what ought to be the truth.
What it ought to be.

Yes, magic. Magic's what I try to give to people.
If that's a sin,
If that is such a sin, then let me be... damned for it!
Don't turn on that light!

It'll all look so ugly in that light.
Why not see by candlelight... or moonlight, or by starlight?
They are bright enough to see by.
Sometimes too bright.


Yep.

Juggling

I have been busy before. When I was in school, there was time I had a 20 hour or so a week part time job, class, a recital, a paper and an opera all at the same time. I knew not what busy really was.


I have a church job that takes me away Wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings every week. The kicker is that it's about 45 minutes away. I have 2, count 'em, 2 retail jobs that insist on relative flexibility in my schedule, so making them play nice with each other is, and always will be, a pain in the ass. Those things alone were enough to kind of make me crazy. Now I just got cast in an opera (YAY)!!!

Thing is-- it's an hour away, going the OPPOSITE way from the church job. And there will be a LOT more rehearsals for that than I've had before for any other thing I've done recently. It'll be worth it, for sure, but it's going to be a nightmare trying to get all of my life scheduling to work together. And that's not even accounting for time to actually LEARN the thing. I guess that's for in the car. :P


Here's to not losing my damn mind...


Now for some shameless self promotion. This is from a recital I did a couple of weeks ago. It all went really well!

I have enough friends.

Also this:




and by extension, this:

Stolen!

Have you ever had someone steal something from you? Even if it wasn't yours- they are holding the thing that you handed them, and then, suddenly and without warning, they literally take off running as fast as they can away from you.


It's weird.


At first, I felt totally responsible. Then, I felt not responsible for it at all! Then I worry that my delightful bosslady is going to think I'm irresponsible.

It would have been SO much more convenient for the douchbag to steal from one of the other two, very seasoned associates that I was working with at the time. It happened so fast that it would have gone the same way with them, I feel. Oh well, we'll just see what happens tomorrow morning when bosslady and I open the store.


Best. New Employee. Ever.

The Waiting Game

Welp, I haven't blogged in forever, but I feel like being a whiner. This thing is better than Twitter, because I feel like practically no one reads it. This way, I can be as self-indulgent as I want and I don't even care! Yippee!


So, I feel like I am perpetually waiting for something. I have felt like that for years, really. In a short term sense, I am always waiting on the next paycheck/holiday/gig/audition/whatever to happen. In broader terms, waiting for my potential recital in January. Waiting for May. Waiting to see what will happen in a few months. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.



Lordy. Seriously, how cliché and rambly do I sound right now?! A lot. But that's what happens when you spend every day of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. You just try desperately to be alright with this one shoe. To know that this shoe is pretty good, it's probably your favorite shoe you've ever had. And you hope that you get to keep it and that it will all be wonderful. The thing is, when that other shoe does drops (and it will... eventually), it could be awesome. It could even be the best thing ever. It could also be the most painful and horrible thing you've ever dealt with (which is saying something).

Waiting is horrible. But, as I have been doing my whole life, I'd rather just sit here with this singular shoe and not rock the boat. Because experience has taught me (on more than one occasion) that rocking the boat gets you nowhere but exactly where you don't want to be. Tenuously clinging to this one shoe is at least half hopeful. Once you get the other one (and it's almost always as bad as you had fervently hoped it wouldn't be), then you're stuck with it.


Total Schrödinger's cat.


This is the point in the waiting cycle that I just need to cram a LOT of stuff into every day so I don't think about that shoe so damn much. It's essentially impossible to do that, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I could use the money, anyhow.


With any luck, I'll get this job I interviewed for today. I haven't sold jewelry in a long time, but being in there today to interview, I actually missed it. All of the romance and love and gushiness that goes with jewelry is so good to get swept up in. More living vicariously through other people, but what are you gonna do? I am really hoping that I stayed in the jewelry selling business because I liked selling it and not for anything else.


A song for good measure:



Many the Miles - Sara Bareilles

Turning Tables

Turning Tables - Adele





via

Could've had it all...

I made a snap judgement about this lady:



Rolling in the Deep - Adele



I just didn't love her right at first. I have now revised my opinion, as she is sort of like Alanis Morissette crossed with Aretha Franklin. And let's face it-- that's pretty badass.


She is just the kind of angry girl music that I like. Mostly the kind that says exactly what happened to me (and anyone who listens to it feels that way, too). She also does some happy type songs (though, they're still kind of bitter [which I like]):


I'll Be Waiting - Adele

Sorry for the somewhat iffy quality on that last one...


Anyway, she does a sad kind, too. I just really like all of her music. The whole album. Not many artists get that particular praise from me. Worth the purchase on iTunes, for sure.


Someone Like You - Adele


I love her voice; both singing and speaking. And her fake eyelashes. And her cool hair. Here is a really interesting video talking about her meanings behind every song on the album and little snippets of all of them. Kind of a long video, but very cool.

Seriouly. How pretty is she?


Enjoy!

JOB!!

YAAAAYYYYY!!!!


Ok, so after months of silence, I have come here to say:


HOLY CRAP YAY I FINALLY GOT A JOB!!!


That took FOREVER. However, it's in sales- the regular, retail kind- but it's not the crappy, schedule all over the place, mall type retail. This is 8-5 retail of luxury plumbing that isn't open on Saturdays. I could not be more excited to start! I'm actually not sure when my first day will be, but it'll be within two weeks, I believe. So it CAN be done! I DID find a job! YIPPEE!!! HOooorraaayyy!!!!




p.s. It's kind of irrelevant, but I'm loving this cute turtle photo.



Also-- Rift? "We're not in Azeroth anymore." Rude. And until you come out with a Mac client, I will have none of your gorgeous graphics and interesting talent trees and classes. So there.

Who's a cliché?

Yeah, that would be me.

I need a job. Really, really bad. And I'm looking. I really am. I have applied to dozens of places and I have yet to get even a call. Oy. I feel like such a frickin' cliché by being unemployed but willing to work. However, I have a holy grail of a job that may be out of my league anyway, but I applied. And my cover letter kicked ass, if I do say so myself. So this is my little plea to the internet to send good thoughts and prayers and whatnot my way. My holy grail job is actually one that I would be very good at and would actually LOVE to be involved in. I don't know that I've ever wanted a job like I want this job. So.... if I could get some good karma this way, I'd appreciate it.


Thanks, guys.

Weirdness

I was recently reminded of this:




via


I want to find that so badly.


I just wonder... how do you know? Because nothing is perfect and shiny and wonderful all the time, and for God only knows what reason (for there are many from which to choose), I feel like I can't trust myself to just know anymore. "Swing at the pitches you can hit." Sure, but it worries me that I am not swinging like I used to. I get all nervous and over think the whole process and by the time that I either should really have swung or just put the damn bat down, I think, "Geez... I really should have hit that one out of the park."

For whatever reason, and I honestly don't know what the reason is, there is a hesitation in the swinging that has never been there before. I feel like maybe a ball beaned me in the head and now I'm just scared of the ball in general. I am becoming petrified that a ball I SHOULD have hit over the fence is gonna end up past me simply because I froze on a perfectly good pitch.

Okay, I'm officially weirding myself out now. Why am I nervous about this weekend? I am excited. I am. But I am also moderately terrified and it's making my week actually feel weighty. If I can get out of my own way enough for this to just happen, it will all be more than fine, I'm sure. And, hell, it may be all totally fine as soon as he gets off the plane, but until that moment, I get to be worried and terrified and nervous.


AND then there's the various job related stresses, too. Yippee! Oy. I haven't really talked about it, but I really feel like I am supposed to be in San Marcos for some purpose. The journey to get here was such that I couldn't have done it without a goodly measure of help, but I am just kind of feeling the pressure a bit this week. It's a big week. I will be SO immeasurably glad to see my Meredith friend on Tuesday, and then my boy person on Friday.


Yes. A big week, indeed.

WALKING DEAD

Ok, you guys know... I watch a LOT of television. I mean, I have 15 shows in my Hulu subscriptions queue, but that doesn't count the FANTASTIC Mad Men or the newest (and potentially even MORE fabulous) Walking Dead. Holy SHIT you guys...... I am not really a zombie person (though I did really enjoy Zombieland), but this is just impeccable. The cute sign holding guy from Love Actually is the main character and... I just cannot be more impressed with this.




I'm adding it to the already ridiculous list of shows I religiously follow and commend the hell out of AMC for another job incredibly well done.






And I will leave you with this song. I hope it works, since my favorite forever drop.io is going away, I need to find another musicy source.




Space Junk - Wang Chung

Not Sleepy Thoughts

"I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone no matter how many people are around."

- Dr. John Dorian

I am quite accustomed to being a third wheel. I like to think that I'm not too awkward about it and that I handle it with an amount of grace most of the time. Here lately, though... it's reaching a breaking point. I know that I am beginning to sound like a desperate, crazy person, but for real. I love all of my friends, it's just that they're all IN LOVE with each other and I feel like a bigger and more hopeless disappointment to myself after each time we all hang out.

I think the thing that frustrates me so much about it is that I can't force it to happen any faster than it just will. "It" being meeting a dude I can stand to talk to for more than 30 seconds that doesn't find me repulsive. I've started to have these really disconcerting thoughts lately like, "Maybe I just never will meet anyone. Maybe I'll just be alone forever," and let me tell you what, that will put a damper on your day in a hurry. I have just never had that thought occur to me. I will get married. I will have kids. These haven't been optional life occurrences. But, again, I can't do it by myself and I suck so bad at the meet, chitchat, play the game part that my future is looking rather bleak at the moment. Anyway, just venting my thoughts to the internet again.

And more bad news: One of my very favorite websites drop.io is closing because Facebook bought them. I am incredibly sad about this and that also means that after December, you won't be able to hear or download the music on my blog. As it is, I can't upload anything new, either. Luckily, this was already on a different drop.



Ghosts - Laura Marling

Hopefully, I can find a suitable substitute. :(

Missing

You ever just feel like you've missed someone? In a timing way, I mean. Like... I don't know, there was maybe a person and it felt like there was something... and then...



If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix


I realize that a 3 day business conference is not the most reliable or likely place to meet someone that you could potentially connect with on lots of levels and make you laugh and has that... that thing... but never say never, right?

Well, it is par for the course that this person- this highly intelligent, incredibly interesting person- would obviously be related to my business in such a way that it's just downright inadvisable to see where it would go. Let me just say that it has been a long damn time since I have encountered a person that I thought, "Hm... I just want to be around you and see what you're all about," and they have thoughts even approaching reciprocated.



Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up) - Florence + the Machine

And they were reciprocated! But also mutually... declined? Turned away? It wasn't even a rejection. It was a decision to be responsible* and walk away. And the thing that kills me is that no matter how correct we were to do that... Gah! I just feel like there was something there. Or at least, there sure was potential to be...


*I couldn't find an appropriate text quality (bold, italic, all caps, some combination of those) to express my incredibly sad and disappointed FURY at this word in this particular context.

kisses are a better fate
than wisdom.
-e.e. cummings

Hiatus.

So, I read about this book and also read this article and it makes me wonder:


Should I quit the internet for a while?


I mean, I can't totally quit because I work from home and a LOT of it is done via email, but I could at least quit Facebook and Twitter (let's get real- even if you have Myspace, we all quit that a long time ago...) and try to forge some ACTUAL relationships! Go out and DO things!




Kelli O'Hara - "The Beauty Is" from Light in the Piazza by Adam Guettel


As far as the logistics of such a move, it would basically just be the social parts of the internet that I would "quit." I figure that I can still watch my TV online as even pre-Facebook culture had television. I can still Google stuff and listen to music online and everything that the internet can offer me as far as information, but just not the false interaction that one gets from looking at a friend's wedding pictures and sort of feeling like you were there.




Cosmic Love - Florence + the Machine


I guess my biggest hesitation (fear...?) is that I won't feel any less alone by pulling away from it. I feel pretty alone now, but again, this is an alone that is propagated by just sitting on my ass all day since I can "see" my friends any time I log in to Facebook. Also, this drops in early December, and as I have previously mentioned, I do like playing the game and I love my friends that also play it, so that makes it rough to just STOP interneting. Though, I guess WoW is a game and isn't strictly social, but still. If I quit the others, the WoW would likely suffer. Anyway, I just kind of feel like making a change in the ol' life to try to jumpstart its not sucking. I don't know where blogging or not blogging would fit into this scenario. I wouldn't blog, obviously, but I don't know how much I would read of others' blogs because that seems like exactly the sort of thing I'm trying to cut out. So that's up in the air.




Heavy in Your Arms - Florence + the Machine


I will say this: Florence + the Machine is helping quite a bit with the not sucking part.


Anyway, what do you guys think about quitting the internet?

In the musicals

Loving this song:



In the Musicals - Björk


So this post isn't a huge deal or anything, but I wanted to write it down someplace just... I don't know, for posterity, or something. It will more than likely be one of those blogs (ooo! Blog from elsewhere...) that will make me feel silly when I read it later, but oh well. Like I said, I just wanted to write it.



I was NOT, however, going to just put it where anyone can see it! If you want to read it, I'll gladly give you the password. Just email me at tracyneproski (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll be more than happy to send the password your way. :)





Click on the dots to read the post (after you get the password from me, of course): ***

Now that I know how this works,
I may be using it more often. Hmm....

Bossanova

Mmmmm, y'all. I am loving this song. It's... well, I don't know what it is, but I like it.




Blue Bossanova - Bossanova







via

Bieberized.

Ok, I have zero opinion of Justin Bieber. But THIS is awesome.

Go check it out.









....I wish I had a photo or something for this, but I just don't. Hehe :)