Oh, bother.

An open letter to a boy I'd very much like to date, but who, right now, is just plain pissing me off: 


You're a "sad panda," are you? Seriously?


Well, you know what would help with that? Talking to someone. Someone who really cares about what you feel and think and desperately wants to be there for you and help you NOT be sad. You DO realize that moping around and being sad on Facebook achieves two things: 1) It makes you look pitiful and 2) It makes me feel EXACTLY LIKE YOU'RE FEELING... except with some anger and active frustration mixed in. The only person making you a sad panda is YOU, because I sure as hell want to make you happy. I certainly cannot force you to be interested in me, but damn. You should be. It would sure solve a lot of our mutual problems. So give me a break and quit being an idiot. If you're going to persist in not being interested, the least you could do is man up a little and TELL ME you're not so I can quit wasting my energy being smitten with you. I feel like can't do any more than I already have: I drove a lot of hours to see you for not much time and support your endeavors AND give you presents... and I have heard nary a word from you since then. I think you are simply delightful and, frankly, pretty much everything I have ever been looking for, so QUIT BEING RIDICULOUS and whining about how no one cares about you and get with the frakking program. If there is something I should be doing that would make a difference, I really wish I knew what it was. I live to serve.



 -me






 
via

Direction

It's getting to the point in my life where I am feeling like I am supposed to be doing something else. This is approaching last 6 months in OKC proportions. I hated life so much during that time, and I could tell that it was unequivocally a direction from the universe to get out of there. As soon as I left, life was immediately better.




As much as I love equally, but differently, both jobs, this is getting to be too much of a pain to make them work together with each other. Maybe it's because I'm disorganized or frazzled or too busy or whatever, but it's too much for me. Ideally, I'd like a 20-25 hour a week office job that is the SAME. Every week. And then work at one of the other jobs to fill in the gaps (I know which one I'd pick, but I'd rather not say and somehow jinx myself).



Don't Get Married Without Me - Punch Brothers


This song sounds so cool to me. I keep listening to it over and over. Not really relevant, I just like it. Oh, and there's the opera, too. Oof. This is one of those moments where I am just waiting on a definitive statement from the universe as to which direction I am supposed to move. Because change is a'comin'. I can feel it....

New Beginnings

I love the butterflies and fun expectation of a new relationship as much as the next girl, but you know what I hate? The not knowing. I just want to know where it's headed right at the get go. I have said before that I hate the game, and it's honestly probably more because I just suck at it than that I truly don't like it, but I have rarely met a dude where I wasn't able to tell within about 10 minutes (or FAR less) if I wanted to either just shake hands and say, "Thanks for showing up, but please go away," or dive right in and be inseparable. The waiting is the worst part. I just want to skip to the mutual "I like you"s and get on with it.




Patience: do not has. But I'll carry on as best I can. Between both retail jobs, the church gig and the opera in full frickin' swing, obviously the best thing for me to do is try to add a new relationship (lolol). Although, life has been quite a bit brighter since Valentine's Day. It's funny how actually adding to this already insanely busy life has made it all seem lighter in general.



:)

Magic

I want magic.


"I want magic," from Streetcar Named Desire by Andre Previn. Sung by Renee Fleming

Real! Who wants real?
I know I don't want it. I want magic!
Magic! Yes! That's what I want!
That's what I try to give to people.

I do misrepresent things.
I don't tell the truth.
But I tell what ought to be the truth.
What it ought to be.

Yes, magic. Magic's what I try to give to people.
If that's a sin,
If that is such a sin, then let me be... damned for it!
Don't turn on that light!

It'll all look so ugly in that light.
Why not see by candlelight... or moonlight, or by starlight?
They are bright enough to see by.
Sometimes too bright.


Yep.

Juggling

I have been busy before. When I was in school, there was time I had a 20 hour or so a week part time job, class, a recital, a paper and an opera all at the same time. I knew not what busy really was.


I have a church job that takes me away Wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings every week. The kicker is that it's about 45 minutes away. I have 2, count 'em, 2 retail jobs that insist on relative flexibility in my schedule, so making them play nice with each other is, and always will be, a pain in the ass. Those things alone were enough to kind of make me crazy. Now I just got cast in an opera (YAY)!!!

Thing is-- it's an hour away, going the OPPOSITE way from the church job. And there will be a LOT more rehearsals for that than I've had before for any other thing I've done recently. It'll be worth it, for sure, but it's going to be a nightmare trying to get all of my life scheduling to work together. And that's not even accounting for time to actually LEARN the thing. I guess that's for in the car. :P


Here's to not losing my damn mind...


Now for some shameless self promotion. This is from a recital I did a couple of weeks ago. It all went really well!

I have enough friends.

Also this:




and by extension, this:

Stolen!

Have you ever had someone steal something from you? Even if it wasn't yours- they are holding the thing that you handed them, and then, suddenly and without warning, they literally take off running as fast as they can away from you.


It's weird.


At first, I felt totally responsible. Then, I felt not responsible for it at all! Then I worry that my delightful bosslady is going to think I'm irresponsible.

It would have been SO much more convenient for the douchbag to steal from one of the other two, very seasoned associates that I was working with at the time. It happened so fast that it would have gone the same way with them, I feel. Oh well, we'll just see what happens tomorrow morning when bosslady and I open the store.


Best. New Employee. Ever.

The Waiting Game

Welp, I haven't blogged in forever, but I feel like being a whiner. This thing is better than Twitter, because I feel like practically no one reads it. This way, I can be as self-indulgent as I want and I don't even care! Yippee!


So, I feel like I am perpetually waiting for something. I have felt like that for years, really. In a short term sense, I am always waiting on the next paycheck/holiday/gig/audition/whatever to happen. In broader terms, waiting for my potential recital in January. Waiting for May. Waiting to see what will happen in a few months. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.



Lordy. Seriously, how cliché and rambly do I sound right now?! A lot. But that's what happens when you spend every day of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. You just try desperately to be alright with this one shoe. To know that this shoe is pretty good, it's probably your favorite shoe you've ever had. And you hope that you get to keep it and that it will all be wonderful. The thing is, when that other shoe does drops (and it will... eventually), it could be awesome. It could even be the best thing ever. It could also be the most painful and horrible thing you've ever dealt with (which is saying something).

Waiting is horrible. But, as I have been doing my whole life, I'd rather just sit here with this singular shoe and not rock the boat. Because experience has taught me (on more than one occasion) that rocking the boat gets you nowhere but exactly where you don't want to be. Tenuously clinging to this one shoe is at least half hopeful. Once you get the other one (and it's almost always as bad as you had fervently hoped it wouldn't be), then you're stuck with it.


Total Schrödinger's cat.


This is the point in the waiting cycle that I just need to cram a LOT of stuff into every day so I don't think about that shoe so damn much. It's essentially impossible to do that, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I could use the money, anyhow.


With any luck, I'll get this job I interviewed for today. I haven't sold jewelry in a long time, but being in there today to interview, I actually missed it. All of the romance and love and gushiness that goes with jewelry is so good to get swept up in. More living vicariously through other people, but what are you gonna do? I am really hoping that I stayed in the jewelry selling business because I liked selling it and not for anything else.


A song for good measure:



Many the Miles - Sara Bareilles