Life's a Toaster.

Magic

2012-01-25T00:39:00.003-06:00

I want magic.

"I want magic," from Streetcar Named Desire by Andre Previn. Sung by Renee Fleming

Real! Who wants real?
I know I don't want it. I want magic!
Magic! Yes! That's what I want!
That's what I try to give to people.

I do misrepresent things.
I don't tell the truth.
But I tell what ought to be the truth.
What it ought to be.

Yes, magic. Magic's what I try to give to people.
If that's a sin,
If that is such a sin, then let me be... damned for it!
Don't turn on that light!

It'll all look so ugly in that light.
Why not see by candlelight... or moonlight, or by starlight?
They are bright enough to see by.
Sometimes too bright.

Yep.

Juggling

2012-01-19T10:29:00.003-06:00

I have been busy before. When I was in school, there was time I had a 20 hour or so a week part time job, class, a recital, a paper and an opera all at the same time. I knew not what busy really was.

I have a church job that takes me away Wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings every week. The kicker is that it's about 45 minutes away. I have 2, count 'em, 2 retail jobs that insist on relative flexibility in my schedule, so making them play nice with each other is, and always will be, a pain in the ass. Those things alone were enough to kind of make me crazy. Now I just got cast in an opera (YAY)!!!

Thing is-- it's an hour away, going the OPPOSITE way from the church job. And there will be a LOT more rehearsals for that than I've had before for any other thing I've done recently. It'll be worth it, for sure, but it's going to be a nightmare trying to get all of my life scheduling to work together. And that's not even accounting for time to actually LEARN the thing. I guess that's for in the car. :P

Here's to not losing my damn mind...

Now for some shameless self promotion. This is from a recital I did a couple of weeks ago. It all went really well!

I have enough friends.

2012-01-14T09:05:00.002-06:00

Also this:

and by extension, this:

Stolen!

2011-11-16T23:44:00.005-06:00

Have you ever had someone steal something from you? Even if it wasn't yours- they are holding the thing that you handed them, and then, suddenly and without warning, they literally take off running as fast as they can away from you.

It's weird.

At first, I felt totally responsible. Then, I felt not responsible for it at all! Then I worry that my delightful bosslady is going to think I'm irresponsible.

It would have been SO much more convenient for the douchbag to steal from one of the other two, very seasoned associates that I was working with at the time. It happened so fast that it would have gone the same way with them, I feel. Oh well, we'll just see what happens tomorrow morning when bosslady and I open the store.

Best. New Employee. Ever.

The Waiting Game

2011-10-28T01:24:00.003-05:00

Welp, I haven't blogged in forever, but I feel like being a whiner. This thing is better than Twitter, because I feel like practically no one reads it. This way, I can be as self-indulgent as I want and I don't even care! Yippee!

So, I feel like I am perpetually waiting for something. I have felt like that for years, really. In a short term sense, I am always waiting on the next paycheck/holiday/gig/audition/whatever to happen. In broader terms, waiting for my potential recital in January. Waiting for May. Waiting to see what will happen in a few months. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.

Lordy. Seriously, how cliché and rambly do I sound right now?! A lot. But that's what happens when you spend every day of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. You just try desperately to be alright with this one shoe. To know that this shoe is pretty good, it's probably your favorite shoe you've ever had. And you hope that you get to keep it and that it will all be wonderful. The thing is, when that other shoe does drops (and it will... eventually), it could be awesome. It could even be the best thing ever. It could also be the most painful and horrible thing you've ever dealt with (which is saying something).

Waiting is horrible. But, as I have been doing my whole life, I'd rather just sit here with this singular shoe and not rock the boat. Because experience has taught me (on more than one occasion) that rocking the boat gets you nowhere but exactly where you don't want to be. Tenuously clinging to this one shoe is at least half hopeful. Once you get the other one (and it's almost always as bad as you had fervently hoped it wouldn't be), then you're stuck with it.

Total Schrödinger's cat.

This is the point in the waiting cycle that I just need to cram a LOT of stuff into every day so I don't think about that shoe so damn much. It's essentially impossible to do that, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I could use the money, anyhow.

With any luck, I'll get this job I interviewed for today. I haven't sold jewelry in a long time, but being in there today to interview, I actually missed it. All of the romance and love and gushiness that goes with jewelry is so good to get swept up in. More living vicariously through other people, but what are you gonna do? I am really hoping that I stayed in the jewelry selling business because I liked selling it and not for anything else.

A song for good measure:

Many the Miles - Sara Bareilles

Turning Tables

2011-05-15T18:40:00.004-05:00

Turning Tables - Adele

via

Could've had it all...

2011-03-25T22:01:00.004-05:00

I made a snap judgement about this lady:

Rolling in the Deep - Adele

I just didn't love her right at first. I have now revised my opinion, as she is sort of like Alanis Morissette crossed with Aretha Franklin. And let's face it-- that's pretty badass.

She is just the kind of angry girl music that I like. Mostly the kind that says exactly what happened to me (and anyone who listens to it feels that way, too). She also does some happy type songs (though, they're still kind of bitter [which I like]):

I'll Be Waiting - Adele

Sorry for the somewhat iffy quality on that last one...

Anyway, she does a sad kind, too. I just really like all of her music. The whole album. Not many artists get that particular praise from me. Worth the purchase on iTunes, for sure.

Someone Like You - Adele

I love her voice; both singing and speaking. And her fake eyelashes. And her cool hair. Here is a really interesting video talking about her meanings behind every song on the album and little snippets of all of them. Kind of a long video, but very cool.

Seriouly. How pretty is she?

Enjoy!

JOB!!

2011-03-11T00:33:00.006-06:00

YAAAAYYYYY!!!!

Ok, so after months of silence, I have come here to say:

HOLY CRAP YAY I FINALLY GOT A JOB!!!

That took FOREVER. However, it's in sales- the regular, retail kind- but it's not the crappy, schedule all over the place, mall type retail. This is 8-5 retail of luxury plumbing that isn't open on Saturdays. I could not be more excited to start! I'm actually not sure when my first day will be, but it'll be within two weeks, I believe. So it CAN be done! I DID find a job! YIPPEE!!! HOooorraaayyy!!!!

p.s. It's kind of irrelevant, but I'm loving this cute turtle photo.

Also-- Rift? "We're not in Azeroth anymore." Rude. And until you come out with a Mac client, I will have none of your gorgeous graphics and interesting talent trees and classes. So there.

Who's a cliché?

2011-01-26T18:24:00.004-06:00

Yeah, that would be me.

I need a job. Really, really bad. And I'm looking. I really am. I have applied to dozens of places and I have yet to get even a call. Oy. I feel like such a frickin' cliché by being unemployed but willing to work. However, I have a holy grail of a job that may be out of my league anyway, but I applied. And my cover letter kicked ass, if I do say so myself. So this is my little plea to the internet to send good thoughts and prayers and whatnot my way. My holy grail job is actually one that I would be very good at and would actually LOVE to be involved in. I don't know that I've ever wanted a job like I want this job. So.... if I could get some good karma this way, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks, guys.

Weirdness

2011-01-10T01:22:00.005-06:00

I was recently reminded of this:

via

I want to find that so badly.

I just wonder... how do you know? Because nothing is perfect and shiny and wonderful all the time, and for God only knows what reason (for there are many from which to choose), I feel like I can't trust myself to just know anymore. "Swing at the pitches you can hit." Sure, but it worries me that I am not swinging like I used to. I get all nervous and over think the whole process and by the time that I either should really have swung or just put the damn bat down, I think, "Geez... I really should have hit that one out of the park."

For whatever reason, and I honestly don't know what the reason is, there is a hesitation in the swinging that has never been there before. I feel like maybe a ball beaned me in the head and now I'm just scared of the ball in general. I am becoming petrified that a ball I SHOULD have hit over the fence is gonna end up past me simply because I froze on a perfectly good pitch.

Okay, I'm officially weirding myself out now. Why am I nervous about this weekend? I am excited. I am. But I am also moderately terrified and it's making my week actually feel weighty. If I can get out of my own way enough for this to just happen, it will all be more than fine, I'm sure. And, hell, it may be all totally fine as soon as he gets off the plane, but until that moment, I get to be worried and terrified and nervous.

AND then there's the various job related stresses, too. Yippee! Oy. I haven't really talked about it, but I really feel like I am supposed to be in San Marcos for some purpose. The journey to get here was such that I couldn't have done it without a goodly measure of help, but I am just kind of feeling the pressure a bit this week. It's a big week. I will be SO immeasurably glad to see my Meredith friend on Tuesday, and then my boy person on Friday.

Yes. A big week, indeed.

WALKING DEAD

2010-11-02T13:50:00.004-05:00

Ok, you guys know... I watch a LOT of television. I mean, I have 15 shows in my Hulu subscriptions queue, but that doesn't count the FANTASTIC Mad Men or the newest (and potentially even MORE fabulous) Walking Dead. Holy SHIT you guys...... I am not really a zombie person (though I did really enjoy Zombieland), but this is just impeccable. The cute sign holding guy from Love Actually is the main character and... I just cannot be more impressed with this.

I'm adding it to the already ridiculous list of shows I religiously follow and commend the hell out of AMC for another job incredibly well done.

And I will leave you with this song. I hope it works, since my favorite forever drop.io is going away, I need to find another musicy source.

Space Junk - Wang Chung

Not Sleepy Thoughts

2010-11-01T02:19:00.005-05:00

"I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone no matter how many people are around."

- Dr. John Dorian

I am quite accustomed to being a third wheel. I like to think that I'm not too awkward about it and that I handle it with an amount of grace most of the time. Here lately, though... it's reaching a breaking point. I know that I am beginning to sound like a desperate, crazy person, but for real. I love all of my friends, it's just that they're all IN LOVE with each other and I feel like a bigger and more hopeless disappointment to myself after each time we all hang out.

I think the thing that frustrates me so much about it is that I can't force it to happen any faster than it just will. "It" being meeting a dude I can stand to talk to for more than 30 seconds that doesn't find me repulsive. I've started to have these really disconcerting thoughts lately like, "Maybe I just never will meet anyone. Maybe I'll just be alone forever," and let me tell you what, that will put a damper on your day in a hurry. I have just never had that thought occur to me. I will get married. I will have kids. These haven't been optional life occurrences. But, again, I can't do it by myself and I suck so bad at the meet, chitchat, play the game part that my future is looking rather bleak at the moment. Anyway, just venting my thoughts to the internet again.

And more bad news: One of my very favorite websites drop.io is closing because Facebook bought them. I am incredibly sad about this and that also means that after December, you won't be able to hear or download the music on my blog. As it is, I can't upload anything new, either. Luckily, this was already on a different drop.

Ghosts - Laura Marling

Hopefully, I can find a suitable substitute. :(

Missing

2010-10-17T13:41:00.006-05:00

You ever just feel like you've missed someone? In a timing way, I mean. Like... I don't know, there was maybe a person and it felt like there was something... and then...

If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix

I realize that a 3 day business conference is not the most reliable or likely place to meet someone that you could potentially connect with on lots of levels and make you laugh and has that... that thing... but never say never, right?

Well, it is par for the course that this person- this highly intelligent, incredibly interesting person- would obviously be related to my business in such a way that it's just downright inadvisable to see where it would go. Let me just say that it has been a long damn time since I have encountered a person that I thought, "Hm... I just want to be around you and see what you're all about," and they have thoughts even approaching reciprocated.

Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up) - Florence + the Machine

And they were reciprocated! But also mutually... declined? Turned away? It wasn't even a rejection. It was a decision to be responsible* and walk away. And the thing that kills me is that no matter how correct we were to do that... Gah! I just feel like there was something there. Or at least, there sure was potential to be...

*I couldn't find an appropriate text quality (bold, italic, all caps, some combination of those) to express my incredibly sad and disappointed FURY at this word in this particular context.

kisses are a better fate
than wisdom.
-e.e. cummings

Hiatus.

2010-10-12T13:24:00.010-05:00

So, I read about this book and also read this article and it makes me wonder:

Should I quit the internet for a while?

I mean, I can't totally quit because I work from home and a LOT of it is done via email, but I could at least quit Facebook and Twitter (let's get real- even if you have Myspace, we all quit that a long time ago...) and try to forge some ACTUAL relationships! Go out and DO things!

Kelli O'Hara - "The Beauty Is" from Light in the Piazza by Adam Guettel

As far as the logistics of such a move, it would basically just be the social parts of the internet that I would "quit." I figure that I can still watch my TV online as even pre-Facebook culture had television. I can still Google stuff and listen to music online and everything that the internet can offer me as far as information, but just not the false interaction that one gets from looking at a friend's wedding pictures and sort of feeling like you were there.

Cosmic Love - Florence + the Machine

I guess my biggest hesitation (fear...?) is that I won't feel any less alone by pulling away from it. I feel pretty alone now, but again, this is an alone that is propagated by just sitting on my ass all day since I can "see" my friends any time I log in to Facebook. Also, this drops in early December, and as I have previously mentioned, I do like playing the game and I love my friends that also play it, so that makes it rough to just STOP interneting. Though, I guess WoW is a game and isn't strictly social, but still. If I quit the others, the WoW would likely suffer. Anyway, I just kind of feel like making a change in the ol' life to try to jumpstart its not sucking. I don't know where blogging or not blogging would fit into this scenario. I wouldn't blog, obviously, but I don't know how much I would read of others' blogs because that seems like exactly the sort of thing I'm trying to cut out. So that's up in the air.

Heavy in Your Arms - Florence + the Machine

I will say this: Florence + the Machine is helping quite a bit with the not sucking part.

Anyway, what do you guys think about quitting the internet?

In the musicals

2010-10-07T15:07:00.011-05:00

Loving this song:

In the Musicals - Björk

So this post isn't a huge deal or anything, but I wanted to write it down someplace just... I don't know, for posterity, or something. It will more than likely be one of those blogs (ooo! Blog from elsewhere...) that will make me feel silly when I read it later, but oh well. Like I said, I just wanted to write it.

I was NOT, however, going to just put it where anyone can see it! If you want to read it, I'll gladly give you the password. Just email me at tracyneproski (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll be more than happy to send the password your way. :)

Click on the dots to read the post (after you get the password from me, of course): ***

Now that I know how this works,
I may be using it more often. Hmm....

Bossanova

2010-08-23T16:02:00.002-05:00

Mmmmm, y'all. I am loving this song. It's... well, I don't know what it is, but I like it.

Blue Bossanova - Bossanova

via

Bieberized.

2010-08-18T23:37:00.002-05:00

Ok, I have zero opinion of Justin Bieber. But THIS is awesome.

Go check it out.

....I wish I had a photo or something for this, but I just don't. Hehe :)

Tattoo

2010-08-18T11:01:00.003-05:00

As much as I'm not a super duper fan of tattoos, especially matching ones, this is pretty cool:

His is light, like a computer monitor or an LED.
Hers is like paint, primary colors and their combinations.

Very nerdy/cool.

via

Television

2010-08-16T11:35:00.003-05:00

I think I have some significant OCD tendencies. I wish they'd migrate over into my room cleaning habits, but mainly they stay in the part of brain that likes watching television.

I like T.V. I watch a LOT of T.V., actually. At any given time, there are between ten and fifteen shows that I'm watching weekly and trying to keep up with. Thank God for Hulu, right? I'm 2 episodes away from being finished with Mad Men, which is good, because my OCDness cannot be sated until it's done. Oh, Mad Men...

Some people are enamored with him.

I'm enamored with her.

(well, really more her, though this photo is better)
{or better still, this one. How frickin' gorgeous!!}

Anyway, I really want to start watching Friday Night Lights because it seems very much up my alley, but it's all on Netflix. I know that this seems like a boon (and eventually it will be), but right now, if I watch the pilot..... I'll be sucked in. I'll have to watch ALL OF THE EPISODES until I'm caught up. And thank goodness it's on Hulu or I'd never keep up, but oy. I need a break from my T.V. so I can get back to the important things in my life.

::ahem::

Messy Bedroom

2010-08-09T15:14:00.002-05:00

So I have noticed a weird thing I do. When I move into a new place, or even after I've been living there a while, when I go to clean it, I clean the kitchen and the living room.... and then either slow down immensely or stop. Looking around my new place, my kitchen is totally unpacked and up and running, as is my living room. My dining room area has a couple of boxes in it, but since I don't have a dining table as of yet, there's not much going on in that room anyway. The bookshelf is in there, though, and it is totally unpacked and decorated and whatever. I even hung most of my art already. In the living room, mind you, not in my room.

My bedroom is woefully neglected with regard to unpacking and decorating. I made my bed all pretty, but mainly because when I Skype with Bosslady, she can see it behind me. I have literally not unpacked the VAST majority of my clothes, but my Xbox is ready to go. Anyone else experience this weird unpacking priority?

An update and some whining

2010-08-07T20:29:00.004-05:00

Ok, as the title suggests, this is going to be an update and then some whining. So here we go:

Update:

1) I moved to San Marcos, TX! This is wonderful on SO many levels. I LOVE it here. Here being Texas. I mean, I like San Marcos just fine, but after living in Oklahoma for three years, my self just needed to be back. It was so very time.

2) I have an amazing job here! I am a sales rep for decorative plumbing, which might sound familiar. It should, er... surely I've mentioned the plumbing thing.... anyway, my new Bosslady and her family are AMAZING and I just can't say enough nice things about them and all they are doing for me in this very new to me job.

Whining:

1) I am sunburned. Ouch. I never get sunburned!! Not because I am particularly immune to it; quite the contrary (I am almost certain that I was the whitest person at the river today). I just never go outside. So... yeah. That's not fun.

2) Remember my big bunch of changes? Well.... I have pretty much failed at all of them. I gained my 20 pounds back, I sleep in until just before I need to be awake and my nails aren't pretty anymore. About the only thing left of my fabulous eating habits from the beginning of the year is that I still just drink water. That is actually kind of nice, but to be back at the old weight AND just drinking water.... oy. I hate that there is always something. You know what I mean? Now that I'm back in Texas with a killer job that I am excited about and living on my own (which is wonderful), I am eating poorly, unmotivated to lose the weight because being skinny is hard and my starter in my car may be going out. When I was skinny and eating great and had plenty of money, my roommate hated me and I didn't want to be at my apartment ever and I had all the crazy school stress. Not to mention the varied states of singleness I've been floating through since January. And I haven't sung since... my recital? Wow. I guess not. And my paper, while mostly done, is not quite finished. That thing is seriously the bane of my existence. Any volunteers to write one more paragraph for me?

...Seriously, though. Email me.

Anyway, back to the fatness thing, last time that I got on track with this eating healthy deal, I was crazy. I planned every day in a crazygirl spiral notebook (down to what I would eat and when), went to bed REALLY early, woke up REALLY early, worked out every day... so I guess I'll get back to that. Like I said, I can't really say that I was any happier when I was skinnier. I was working my ass off to be that way and not really eating the food I like- the bad for me food. I guess in the same way that one sometimes falls away from the faith and starts lovin' the sinnin' lifestyle, I need to read my Bible and pray every day to get back on track. I want to lose 40 pounds. I lost 20. I was halfway there!!! I feel like I'm continuously about 5 or 6 months away from being as skinny as I want. Feasibly, I'd be in the shape I want just in time for Christmas only to start the vicious cycle all over again. Oh well, I guess that's just the way it always goes, huh? Time to work out and then go to sleep (after a little time with my crazygirl notebook, of course).

Also... saw this- Love it.

via

Tee hee

2010-07-26T07:50:00.002-05:00

Sorry I've been gone for-EV-er... I promise promise that I'll update soon with talk of my big move to Texas (yay!!), my big kid job and lots and lots of other things that I should have been writing about, but I just haven't. I guess I didn't want to jinx them? Who knows....

Also, dear blah blah blah,

I'm really curious as to where you're headed with this. Part of me wants to just ignore it completely; as if the words never registered (a taste of your own medicine, perhaps?), but I'm just so curious. I'm also wondering if you think that you still have the same power over me that you once did. You would be very wrong as you so kindly broke me of that about a year ago. I'm not mad, but then again, I'm never mad. Irritated, frustrated, sometimes, but never mad. In any case, I'm still here. I'm always here. But it would take a helluva lot more than some words I wanted to hear a year ago for me to just fall all over myself again. Like I said, I actually have you to thank for my bolstered spirit. Anyway, continue with your wonderful life!

-Alyssa

A Letter to Seester

2010-07-03T01:00:00.005-05:00

Dear Seester,

I love you. You are my favorite sister, but seriously. I would really rather you not respond to my random inside joke text with a phone call telling me how you're out with all of the people I'd love to be out with but can't because I A) don't live in Wichita Falls anymore and B) don't have to extra fundage to go down there every weekend. I would also appreciate it if you would refrain from telling me the stories reinforcing how you're the dangerous, mysterious, and cool sister. I know you are. It's painful enough just being the boring, straight-laced, un-adventurous one, but you letting me know that the guy who has been my go-to crush on guy since fourth grade said that you're "super f*&^ing hot" was almost over the line of what I can reasonably handle. Even if it doesn't seem like it bothers me or matters, it does; on both counts. I'm not the cool one. I'm okay with it most of the time. I'd like it if you didn't rub it in...

*sigh*

-§

picture via

Worklife.

2010-07-01T11:17:00.003-05:00

Ready to take a ride on my train of thought? Here we go!

Working on Project 1 ->
Look up something on the internet ->
Get distracted and work on Project 2 ->
Look up something else on the internet ->
Realize I'm being scattered ->
Wish I was better focused and think about that I need to get myself medicated for ADD ->
Remember that I don't have health insurance at my new job ->
Ponder life and how much it's going to cost versus what I will be making ->
Wonder if I'll have enough money to get medicated ->
Think about how cool/productive life would be if I WAS medicated (or at least the option) ->
Remember that I'm supposed to be working ->
Repeat from beginning.

So... that's life today.

Times they are a'changin'

2010-06-23T17:15:00.000-05:00

I feel I have been a little remiss with my lack of posting. As I'm still in the process of doing a big ol' life overhaul, I don't want to jinx any part of it... so just know that there are big things afoot in my world and I will tell everyone about it as soon as everything settles down. In lieu of talking about MY life... I'll talk about a couple of other folks:

My loverly co-worker has some wonderful news!

Go on her blog to get the scoop!

I'm so excited for her!! She's going to be a great momma! :D

-·-
I'm SURE that if you're on the internet at all, you've heard of LiLu. Well, apparently , MTV wants her to be a Twitter Jockey!! I think the voting starts at the end of June, so get out there and be supportive!!

-·-
Ok, one more thing: I've been obsessively watching Buffy and Angel (to be a good Whedon fan, as I've never seen them) and this is good stuff! I'm watching Buffy S.4 and Angel S.1 concurrently because the storylines overlap and intertwine SUPER nicely! Gotta love a good Whedon show. Anywho, can't leave without putting a nice song up for everybody so here it is. Kind of a throwback, but awesome all the same.

No Rain - Blind Melon

Stupid.

2010-05-31T13:19:00.003-05:00

A day or so ago, Jason was talking about Sherree Chamberlain (one of my most favorite artists) and said that one of her songs was "a song that I can sympathize with so completely that I'm almost ashamed to admit it." I heard a one this weekend that made me think of that sentiment- one that I can sympathize with very completely. Enjoy, y'alls. :)

Stupid - The Long Winters

For the Horde!

2010-05-21T14:00:00.003-05:00

Gah, I'm trying to find a way for this post to get nerdier, but I'm just not coming up with anything.

Seester is, as I type this, upgrading her Mac OS so she can play WoW with me!!!! I am irrationally excited for this. Irrationally... in that only fellow gamers can fully understand the pure, unbridled joy associated with getting someone you know hooked on the game.

Also- big life stuff going on! Good stuff! I'll fill you in, soon, little bloggatribe.

Fields of Gold

2010-05-13T09:51:00.004-05:00

Fields of Gold - Eva Cassidy

pics via and via

Trapped.

2010-05-12T15:29:00.004-05:00

Trapped here like rats! Small little rats with no hair and one leg! (Oh yeah. I went there.)

I am trapped. Pretty much every way a person can be trapped... well, without actually being trapped, I suppose. Ready for my, er... trappings?

My roommate hates me.
This is both okay and not okay. I have been where she is, and knowing this, there is nothing I can do to make her happy or make her hate me less. Everything I do, no matter how irrational, is going to drive her insane. Knowing this makes it slightly easier to live in my apartment. The biggest thing is that while I have felt that way before, I can't recall being rude or mean to whoever I felt that way about. It's unnecessary and petty, but I have no fight in me. Mainly because that's just not how I operate, but also just because I have been trying to alleviate stress on the situation for months and I am exhausted. She will never see or know or frankly, care, but I have done all I can do. It's time to part ways, and thankfully that will be soon.

This boyfriend thing.
I started this sentence 4 times because I don't know what to say about it. I like hanging out with the guy, I love his family and his friends and he is very good at being a boyfriend. I don't want to not have those things, but I really don't think I want to date him anymore. I know there is a relatively black and white solution, but I'm lame and he is so very good to me... I just... I have this fear that I am too picky. With each passing day/month/year (oy), I want to think that I'm waiting to not settle. Waiting so that I can have the best life I can have. Having not really found it yet, I am starting to get this gnawing feeling that I'm holding out for some Holy Grail that I will never actually find. And then I'll just be alone and not settling by myself, which isn't any good either. I don't want to settle, but I don't want to be alone forever, either, so where's that breaking point?

My apartment is a warzone.
Remember how my roommate hates me? Well, I don't like being at my apartment. It is such a hostile environment that I would rather be pretty much anywhere else. I'm probably going to put a bunch of potatoes (don't judge me; I eat them every day for lunch, anyhow) in my car and stay at one of my places of employment until bedtime. Then go home and go to sleep. I'll get my laundry and regular life stuff done on Saturdays when she's working, or possibly on Sundays when she's off and out with her friends. That baffles me... if she has friends (which she does), why doesn't she hang out at their place? I can't imagine she likes being at the apartment- but then again, I may just be projecting MY incredible sense of discomfort and hostility onto her and assuming she feels that, too. Anyway, I don't feel welcome in my own dang apartment. That is the point of this one.

I can't talk to anyone.
I know that's not totally true, but, again, who would I normally talk to about my roommate situation being awful and feeling like crap and not wanting to go home? Boyfriend. Or Twitter, or Facebook, but for various reasons, again, little Bloglette, you're basically my only refuge. Thank you, blog-o-whatever, for being here for me to spill my guts to when my head is pounding and I can't think of any other way to try to assuage the ache than to just talk about all the garbage that's bothering me.

Since roommate will move out in June sometime, I believe, hopefully my life will brighten then. I auditioned for Pensacola Opera this past weekend, and while it was a fun trip to get to see my friends, it was a not so good audition since I was still not firing on all vocal cylinders. If they're grading on potential, I might have a vague shot at getting in. I am not optimistic.

So, yeah. A good week....

I did hear this artist and I think I have a new favorite. Sort of in the vein of Hem, Alison Krauss and others. I am too lazy right now to link them.

I Wonder What is Keeping My True Love This Night - Kate Rusby

Tik Tok

2010-05-06T15:06:00.003-05:00

During this time of graduation and whatnot, I have seen a lot of Facebook statii that are along the lines of "Wow! I can't believe that I graduate this week!" or "I am a junior in college now? When did that happen?" I can relate to these on an "I have been there" level, but also on a "Holy crap... I have to drive 13 hours tomorrow" level.

13 hours.

In lieu of walking the stage at my commencement this weekend, I have an audition for Pensacola Opera's Artist in Residence program. As in... it's IN Pensacola. So, since I have some amazing friends in Mobile, AL, I'm going to drive there tomorrow and stay with them for the weekend. I am SUPER excited, since I NEVER get to see them. I talk to them on a daily basis, but I have only seen them IRL (hahaha) one other time.

Anyhow, it's just blowing my mind that I'm going to be driving that distance....tomorrow. Eep.

In music news, I am loving this song:

Tik Tok - ke$ha

Heard it via Today's Big Thing and THIS genius Simpson's opening.

Bearer of bad news

2010-04-28T12:09:00.004-05:00

You ever notice that in a relationship of any kind, if there is something bothering one party, it weighs on them. Well, the problem is that when they tell the other person, that weight doesn't go away, it simply transfers from them to the other. It's as if the knowledge itself has mass. I think that sucks. I mean, there's nothing you can do to help it, but it still sucks.

Example: There is a boy and a girl and they are friends, but the girl is in love with the boy. This information weighs on her (trust me) but what good does it do to spill it to the boy? Especially if she's relatively sure he doesn't feel that way about her? Then he's just stuck dealing with it. She feels better now that she's not harboring all of these secret feelings, but he has to bear the burden of the knowledge now. So whaddya do?

Example again: There is a dating couple and one feels emotionally not okay about something in the relationship. I mean, at some point, the person has to tell the other about it. That's just what you do. But it still sucks because now the weight of the burden has shifted and while the one doing the telling feels better, sure, the receiver of information now has to feel weighted down and crappy.

Life is hard.

picture found here.

Here comes emptiness crashing in

2010-04-27T09:19:00.007-05:00

I am feeling highly whiny this morning, and there really is no venue (save this little bit o'internet) that I can whine to, so aren't you lucky? You get to read about how bummed out I feel this morning. Hey, look on the bright side, I'll probably give you a pretty/sad picture and a nice, depressing song.

You ever just have days where you feel... gross? Like, sad gross. I just cannot feel good this morning. I have weird voice issues and I can't do anything right at home to make my roommate not hate me and this new boyfriend thing is weighing on me, too and it's just... it's making me feel gross. Now I'm at the church and I really need to be working on the bulletin for Sunday, because it's going to be our first one in a new format, but I don't want to do anything but just go somewhere else with people I like that like me and just bask in the friendliness.

Sidebar- it's ironic that after I have (another) disheartening conversation with this new boyfriend, this time about his atheism versus my loving the Jesus, I want nothing but more church and I have all this ushy-gushy Jesus love and I want to sing hymns and learn about being a better Christian and yada yada, and who can't I tell about all this because it's sort of antagonizing? Oh right- the person I really should be able to talk about it with.

Alsoalso- I have talked about the stupid crap people do to each other before, but can I please just talk about for a second how it baffles me further how people can't be nice to each other? Why? Why would you be mean to another person? I am mean, I really am. And frankly, I enjoy being mean. But, if the ~~target~~ person is my friend, or even just someone I have to deal with on a semi-regular basis, why not be civil? No one gets any more out of the interaction when one is mean. And I am kind of a pushover, because when people I have to deal with are mean to me, I just lay down and take it, mostly. Because I don't like being mean (Again, in this particular sense), and it really messes with me when people are mean to me.

Anyhow, whine whine whine. And a song and a photo, as promised:

Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper

Time Management.

2010-04-14T11:34:00.001-05:00

President: We're too late. Without the sword the players will fail.

Member 1: If we could get to a computer, we could sign on to the World of Warcraft and give the boys the sword online.

President: I don't have a World of Warcraft account. Do you?

Member 1: No, I have a life.

If you don't recognize that screenshot, go watch this immediately.

I am currently having a general life conflict. In January and part of February, I felt like I was in some sort of Life-Zen place. I was working out and waking up early every day, I lost about 20 pounds, I wrote my huge, awful, terrible paper, I did my last opera at OCU and my graduate recital and now... I'm sort of lacking in some way.

I wrote this post a couple of days ago, and I feel that a better word for how I feel is Slacking. I'm not waking up like I used to, I'm going to bed later... yada yada. After reevaluating my changes between then and now, the only significant one I can find is that I'm back on the WoW bandwagon. Here's the thing; I frickin' love this game. I love playing it, I love the holidays, pets, achievements... I just really enjoy the game. However- I can quit the game. I have quit it before, but I don't want to quit having a reason to talk to my best friend and her husband every day, because THAT is really important to me.

So the quandary is how to play the somewhat life consuming game and also be working out and losing weight like I was. Granted, not eating crap all the time will help (fell off that bandwagon a bit as well), as will working out. My problem has been finding the time, since before I did it in the morning when I woke up bright and early. Playing the game (AND keeping up with the Craigs) necessitates being tied to the computer during prime sleeping time. I will say that during January and my Life-Zen, I felt like an old lady going to bed at 10:30 every night. It is also not helping my time situation that I am working 8a-5p every day, and that wasn't the case before, either.

Anyway, I think I've finally gotten on the road to the happy medium. Still play, eat like I'm supposed to, but workout either right after work or before bed. Not the most ideal setup, but MUCH better than not doing it at all and I still get my ~~game~~ friends. :)

Sherree Chamberlain

2010-03-31T16:45:00.002-05:00

I am forever indebted to Jason (of Eyes Made Ready fame) for sending this to his sister (Rümmi) so she could send it to me. It is so wonderfulness....

This is an artist that if you EVER get the chance to hear her, DO IT. I got her album a while back and I absolutely love it. I went to Pandora her and when I couldn't find her I was confused. After some checking, I found out that she's local, and that's why she wasn't on there. I went to this amazing show the other night with Robert Deeble, New Plains, and Sherree Chamberlain. It was the most flawless live show I have ever attended.

Birdsong - Sherree Chamberlain

Quick, running up the stairs, do you see what I see
out through the window pane, past the leaves into the trees
Birds fly, birds fly, two, three, four, five
one stays, one stays there

And my sisters laugh at him, "Do you see what he is doing?
It looks like he's talking to the branches."
"Oh come down, right now, don't dilly dally," mother's calling
"Children, it's time for supper."

But I stay up to it, I lock myself inside my bedroom
Thinking about what I was seeing.
Nobody watching, so I pressed my ear up to the glass
To see if I could hear what he was saying.

He said,
It's concrete and stone,
and this old skin's just a bag of bones,
all life is is a simple breath
blood through veins air to our heads,

We have something more than this.

Oh he is an old one with feathers falling, colors greying
Voice is tired from his song
and look in his black eyes, and your proudest stories are worth telling
I know I'll never get to hear them.

'Cause days pass, weeks pass, nights are long and days get shorter
Cold wind blows from the east
And my brothers speculate that he's lost his marbles, he's gone crazy
I heard a much different story

He said,

I lost my mother when I was much younger
to a cat with big paws and big claws.
And my daddy left me when I was a baby
for worms, and caterpillars and warmer places.

We have something more than this.

So snow falls, snow falls, fingers curling, noses icy
we all go out to fetch him
and snow falls, snow falls, a cardboard casket, kerchief on it
Now I know, I know, I know

Snow falls, snow falls, I am crying, mother's calling
I know I must go
And snow falls, snow falls, I am crying, mother's calling
I go, I go, I go

Springs comes, children play, babies born and flowers blooming
I will never forget him

Concrete and stone,
and this old skin's just a bag of bones,
all life is is a simple breath
blood through veins air to our heads,

We had something more than this.

The song sounds fantastic, but I find that the words actually make a huge difference. I just transcribed them as best as I could; it's hard to hear some of it, but you'll get the gist with what I have here, I hope. If you find any errors, please let me know! Enjoy!

The Vulture of Shame

2010-03-26T18:07:00.003-05:00

Ok, go read this.

Shaaaaaame

This is maybe my new most favorite concept. After reading that article, I continually refer to the "Vulture of Shame" in conversation.... and no one understands me. I don't care- they'll figure it out eventually.

I just felt the need share this. I love it. ♥

Still Alive

2010-03-24T14:30:00.004-05:00

This is from one of the coolest games I have ever played, Portal. It's a puzzle game where you shoot a gun that makes a portal in the wal--

um...

Just read the article. It's sort of... involved. Anyhow, when you beat the game (which is SO funny and cool), it plays this song. The song is really cute sounding, but it ties into the game too, and it's so... sigh. I love video games.

Still Alive - Portal AI

...I feel fantastic and I'm
still alive.

Come Pick Me Up

2010-03-23T16:28:00.003-05:00

I'm not going to lie, I have no idea what this song is about, but it sounds like my day today- tired, a little frustrated, melancholy, ambivalent and lazy. I can't stop listening to it...

Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams

When they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter

I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there
Do you wish it was me
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine

You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
I wish I could

It sounds like slow dancing with a cowboy,

and that ain't never a bad thing.

Easter Candy, or Why New Year's Resolutions to Lose Weight Frequently Don't Succeed

2010-03-12T15:40:00.002-06:00

- Ok, I'm going to go ahead and say upfront that this should probably be two different blogs, but one dovetails so nicely into the next that I'm going to leave it. -

I had an epiphany the other day, and it has made me wonder how anyone in the history of ever has kept a New Year's Resolution to lose weight for more than two or three months.

Everybody knows that in January, right after New Year's with its resolutions, the gyms are all packed and most of America goes on some kind of diet. We're all fat, we all wish we weren't, so with a new year comes fresh convictions and optimistic changes and hopes that we can change ourselves for the better. Well, through both personal experience and observation, I can tell you with relative certainty why people don't/can't/won't stay on a diet for very long after the new year.

Easter.

Shocking, right? Think about this: in January, your diet/exercise plan is both new and novel and you are all excited and maybe even getting some results. Then, BAM! Valentine's Day. Now, if you're single, you might be able to avoid the Valentine candy. But no sooner has that passed than EASTER hits you. And Easter is different; Easter is special. When you really get down to it, there are really four big candy related holidays: Valentine's Day, Easter, Halloween and Christmas. But of all of them, Easter has the most decadent and tempting (irony given the holiday's meaning?) seasonally specific candy. Sure, Valentine's day has conversation hearts and Halloween has candy corn.... but Easter. Who can resist Robin's Eggs? Or.... Cadbury Creme Eggs...... It's a dieting person's nightmare!! Just when you're really getting used to not eating crap (read: tasty, fattening food) all the time is when the absolute most delicious and bad-for-you treat rears its sugary, chocolatey head. And like I said, it's seasonally specific!! You can't even GET Cadbury Creme Eggs any other time of the year, so I, for one, feel like I'm wasting a delicious opportunity by NOT eating ~~one~~ some of them.

I realize that this is getting lengthy (that's what she said), but I have a related topic I must send into the blog-o-whatever. My Caleb friend and I were discussing this very thing last night, but it was within a larger discussion of the differences between men and women. Yeah, yeah, this can go on forever, but it started with me mentioning a girl we both know and how I thought she was absolutely gorgeous. He said that he didn't think she was all that pretty. I, being an avid reader of Smitten blogs, I said that our mutual friend must just be "girl pretty." He, reasonably, had never heard the term, so I explained it with regard to our friend: "She's a girl that girls want to look like, not necessarily a girl that guys find attractive." I supplied a couple more examples of friends we have that I would absolutely kill to look like, but he reiterated that they weren't really what he would consider super attractive. I asked him if there were any dudes that he would want to look like, and he told me that he's never really thought about it. I understand that he's a dude, and dudes don't typically think about their looks in that way, but the interesting thing is that he didn't know how much I, as a girl, thought about it. Let me just let all of the boys in the world in on a secret: Women think about that all the time. Who they'd rather look like. I have an extensive mental list of women- actresses, musicians, friends- that I would love to look like, or at least approach looking like. Most of them are just skinnier than me, but others have good hair or pretty teeth or blue eyes or whatever other trait that I envy to a certain degree. Women are just like that (truly Così fan tutte! Ha ha... opera humor.... ::ahem::).

Anyway, I feel like this could be a contributing factor as to why women are "crazy" or whatever other stereotype you can think of. I mean, it's probably helping with why I'M any bit of crazy. When I say that I compare myself to other women, I mean, every single day, all day, many, many times. When I'm watching TV, or at my crappy retail job at the mall, or at the frickin' grocery store... doesn't matter. I will say this, though- the time it happens the worst, the most consistently? When I eat. Day to day, I can tell you without much thought exactly what I have eaten, what I consider "cheat" food, what I'm planning on eating later and if I have any snacky food at home to facilitate more "cheat" eating later. When I told this to Caleb, he was surprised and just couldn't fathom comparing himself to other dudes like that, or monitoring his food intake with borderline obsession. I'm an emotional eater, too, though, and that doesn't help. THAT'S a whole 'nother blog, though....

This sort of reminds me of a while back, when we were at rehearsal. Our director was telling us that no one knows how beautiful they truly are. "Women, especially. They are always comparing themselves to other women and judging themselves to ridiculous standards. Something else, they're always jealous of each other's hair." At this point, I indicated a friend of mine whose hair is always SO cute and at the same moment she goes, "Yeah, like Courtney." The fact that we proved his point was kind of forgotten as we both just died laughing.

So what does all of this mean? I don't know. Aside from the fact that I need to quit eating so much damn Easter candy, it is just something to think about.

Today is here!

2010-03-07T14:06:00.002-06:00

Well, it's time, ladies and gentlemen. Time for the big, bad, final graduate recital. T-minus 3 hours until I need to be at the school setting up the crap for the live stream of the recital I'm hoping against hope works like it's supposed to. I am going to be very, very sad if it doesn't... but what can you do?

Ok, gotta go curl my hair... or eat a Cadbury Creme egg or something...

Recital Time!

2010-03-05T08:39:00.002-06:00

So, for all of you wanting to watch this crazy recital thing, go here Sunday, March 7th, 2010 at 6pm CST. HOPEFULLY (crosses fingers) it will work as planned, though I can't be sure simply because technology sometimes hates me.

Also, I occasionally hear songs that are exactly perfect for a situation... then I hear another song that is also perfect for the same situation. Isn't funny how that works?

but then...

So yeah. That's kind of how I've been feeling lately: completely pulled in two directions. We'll just have to see how it goes, eh?

Hope you can tune in to the recital!! :D

My last paper EVER!

2010-02-18T00:47:00.003-06:00

So, as is my tendency, my LAST PAPER I EVER HAVE TO WRITE EVER is due tomorrow.... and I'm up right now finishing it. I will also likely not sleep this evening, but again... LAST PAPER EVER. I am feeling at least sort of okay about it as I can hand in a piece of crap tomorrow as long as I hand in something. I'll have to revise the heck out of it anyway because that's just what you do with these things.

In a slight bit of interestingness, I'm going to try to finagle a way to live stream my recital to here and also my fancy professional website so you loverly people can sit in your jammies on March 7th at 6pm CST and listen to some big ol' opera.

Okay, well I just needed a little mental break from editing and editing again and writing... so back to the grind.

Terrifyingest

2010-02-14T14:45:00.002-06:00

This was on Post Secret today. Eegads.

For real.

2010-02-08T06:57:00.002-06:00

I'm sure everyone is going to be posting about the Superbowl today, and I am no different. I just want to share the cutest ad ever. I saw it before the Superbowl, and loved it then, so here it is for your viewing pleasure:

CUTEST. I may or may not have gotten choked up the first time I saw it...... (of course I did)

Don't Ever Change

2010-02-05T16:10:00.000-06:00

Don't Ever Change - The Beatles

About six months ago, something significant happened in my life. Something that changed me in a very real way. Looking back, it seems almost stupid that this would have had such a profound effect on me, but out of this, I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds closer to understanding what it takes to be an adult and take care of myself. What happened?

I quit biting my nails.

I know, I know. This sounds just totally ridiculous, but let me explain a bit. I have been a nail-biter since I was a child. That's 25 years of literally everyone in my life harassing me about it. The ex-f used to say that he "wouldn't put a ring on hands that looked like that" (which is sort of funny, since he did). But now, every day, I look at my hands and barely recognize them. I watch them do things like pick up a pen or wash dishes and they don't look like my hands. They're pretty; they sometimes have nail polish, which I never used to do. I broke a nail at work and had no idea what to do, as I had never remotely been in that situation before.

Anyway, this may seem like a tiny change, but let me tell you- I never thought I would be a girl with pretty hands. To have positively changed myself in this way was a revelation, of sorts. It made me realize and see that it is possible to make changes to yourself, to your body, and they will last. You can break habits and change your lifestyle. I'm kind of drunk off the possibilities, actually. So as part of my New Leaf Program (the one in which I turn over a new leaf for the new year), I started waking up early (like this) and trying to not be fat (like this, this, and this) and so far, it's been... changey.

I'll let you know if anything crazy happens, like I start cleaning up my room for fun or something.

This is a website!

2010-02-02T23:46:00.006-06:00

(heh heh)

So I want opinions, people.

It's me!

What do you think??

And now that all you crazies know my real name, don't stalk me.

...or do. Whatever.

Anyhow- suggestions, comments, complaints, ninjas, ponies, cash prizes and wildly flamboyant silk robes are all welcome. Thanks!!

What makes a good friend

2010-01-26T10:02:00.007-06:00

A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless, but I think you know who you are) once asked me how he could be a better friend. He was/is notorious for being a little flakey, so that was really the only thing I could think of to tell him: quit being so flakey. But I was thinking about it this morning, and I have revised my answer.

There is the sort of common sense, Golden Rule, "Do unto others" philosophy, but I would take it a step further. I'll use the friend I was talking about for my example. With this particular friend, I think I can safely say that he considers me a really good friend. Why? Because that's how I treat him. I don't think that at any point he could say he doubts whether I am his friend or not because the actions and words and what-have-you that are directed at him make him feel like he is important to me and that I care about his well-being. Now, how does he make himself a better friend? Treat ME the same way! That's all there is to it! The more instances that I question how much he values the friendship, the less I feel like I am important to him. Why would a person who feels like they're important to me treat me with an imbalance of priority? Well, there is a degree of selfishness to this, but there is also just laziness. Friendship, like any other relationship, requires effort. The more effort one puts into it, the more you'll get out of it. You'd think diminishing returns would have bitten me in the ass a long time ago, but eh. I try not to let someone else determine my level of contribution to any relationship. That's called being passive aggressive and it's unnecessary, not to mention reeeally annoying.

So..... in short, to be a better friend... be a better friend.

(This kind of turned into a giant bitchfest, and I didn't intend for it to do that. Oh well. I'm going to post it anyway. So there!)

Bah! And in searching for a picture to go with this, I am reminded of THIS bit of genius which, somewhat ironically, fits better than I'd usually admit.

BIRDIES!

Why I'm Single (by Lemmonex)

2010-01-21T10:41:00.002-06:00

Ok, so Lemmonex's post I read today is just about the best thing ever. Enjoy:

Hating animals and the outdoors has rendered me undateable.

If you are a single woman, you know what exactly what I am talking about. The dating landscape is so mired with cliches, down right predictable that I can practically peg what a guy is going to say on a first date (or in his online dating profile…yes, I dabble online) before I even meet him.

Single men love the outdoors. They want someone to go camping with and who enjoys the fresh air. It is an “essential”. Am I a crazy shut in? No, but camping ranks right below a colonic on things I want to have happen to me. Yes, camping happens to people. If someone wants to chase me around a god damn tipi in the woods to fulfill their Pocohontas fantasy, I am game but I sure as shit am not squatting in a hole on the regular. I don’t want to hike. This is why I live in a major metropolitan area.

And dogs! Men and their dogs. THEY LOVE THEIR DOGS. ”You have to love my dog”, they will say. Ya know what, dude? I may like your dog, I more likely will tolerate it and I might even fucking hate it. They show you pictures of their dog, expecting you to cream yourself. They tell you cutesey stories waiting for a hearty laugh. I have a heart and have loved some canines, but this is not the way to this girls heart. Show me a picture of your flat screen TV or your niece. Shit, show me a picture of the Guatamalan orphan you sponsor. This is way more likely to get me wet. I recently had a guy tell me his 5 year plan included owning an awesome dog. SO, let me get this straight…your goal is to be a cliche, but you are not even there yet.

And dudes who love cats? No thanks. I like my men with a penis, please.

They all say “I am just your average guy”. I don’t want average and I do not want to date someone who so easily bows down to the alter of average. God knows no one is truly special, we are never as unique as we think we are, but please try. Give me something, anything. And you hipsters who name bands I have never heard of or who tell tales of spending summers in Nepal washing the feet of the elderly? You are just as average, just as boring. An average guy takes off his khakis, fucks me missionary, drives me to the Olive Garden in his Ford Focus and sends me red roses the next day.

Maybe I am single because I am a judgmental bitch. Maybe I should hug a tree and a dog. Perhaps I should embrace the comfort of breadsticks and sensible fashion. But I can’t, I just can’t. Call me tough, call me rigid, call me undateable. I don’t care. Give me leather, give me the city, give me a steak, give me something new.

All Will Be Well

2010-01-08T16:15:00.003-06:00

- I have a whole blog about changing and new leaves and whatnot that I am really excited to write about but just can't write today because all of this other garbage happened. The changey-change blog will come down the pipeline next week probably (as this weekend is occupied primarily by learning Elvira in Don Giovanni before rehearsals start on Monday. EEK. -

Well, today started relatively normally, but it cascaded downward until lunchtime when I applied for a private collegiate loan to pay for this semester (since my school didn't have money for me [which baffles me, but what are you going to do]) and I was pre-denied. Not just regular denied, but pre-denied. Thanks a lot. I didn't want to finish school, anyway. So I went to the school to actually talk to some people and basically, I have no options to get help from anywhere. I will just have to pay for the semester as it happens (which will be ridiculously difficult). I am literally signed up for 1 credit hour because all I have to do is write my paper and do my recital. This whole business is WHOA frustrating.

Blech. I am sort of feeling like this:

garfield minus garfield

But I have to tell you all of that mess so I can tell you the story of right after I got in the car to go to lunch. (Warning: We're about to get a little Jesus-y)

At this point in my day, I had applied, been pre-denied, was on my way to the bank to deposit a paycheck (that is basically already gone to bills) and then go to the school to address my situation. This is one of those times that I am not really as worried as I should be about my personal impending doom. I get into the car and my CD player picks up right where it left off when I got to work. This song:

All Will Be Well - Gabe Dixon Band

...

All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself,
All will be well.
You can ask Me how but only time will tell.

The winter’s cold,
But the snow still lightly settles on the trees.
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know,
That all will be well.
Even though sometimes this is hard to tell,
And the fight is just as frustrating as hell
All will be well.

All the children walking home past the factories,
Could see the light that’s shining in My window as I write this song to you.
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself
All will be well.
You can ask Me how but only time will tell.

Keep it up and don’t give up
And chase your dreams and you will find
All in time.

...

Full lyrics here

It started in the middle of the song, so I only wrote down the lyrics I heard from the time I left the parking lot at work to when I turned off the car at the bank. I also added some capitalization because at that moment, it wasn't an ambiguously hopeful song for me. This was literally something God was saying to me. It sounds kind of out there and spiritual-y, but I really believe that. How else could such a perfectly worded promise audibly speak to me at exactly the moment I needed it to? I mean, the CD started at exactly the most perfect spot in the song. Say what you will about coincidence and yada yada, but that's my God. The God that lets me do incredibly stupid and irresponsible crap just so I won't do it anymore (because He totally knows just keeping me from doing it in the first place will never allow me to learn to be a big kid). The God who helps me in little ways so I can help myself in big ways. The God who sometimes says what he needs to say to me through my car CD player. My God is hilarious, clearly, and draws inspiration from any and everything (*cough cough* Transformers *cough* [He also appreciates that I am a big nerd])

That's my God, alright. He's a funny Guy, sometimes, and He's got this whole wacky (read: awful) situation (among many MANY other things) under control. So I'm just going to let Him get this one. He would, anyway, but it makes me feel better when I know I don't have to worry about it.

Christmas Music

2009-12-22T16:14:00.004-06:00

Every year at Oklahoma City University, there is a big Vespers service. All of the choirs are involved and the orchestra and I cannot even imagine how badly I would hate it if I had to perform in it (simply because I know the effort and mentel exertion required to stand and sing and whatnot for a choral program).

BUT

I don't. As a grad student, I don't have to perform. I just get to go watch all my friends sing and play. And it's AMAZING.

So, in the spirit of the season, I'm going to share my two favorites with you. This one is a shape note piece (Interestingly, this is the song that is the example on the Wiki page, but the one in my recording is a different arrangement). It just sounds SO damn cool.

Star in the East

Hail the blest morn, see the great Mediator
Down from the regions of glory descend.
Shepherds, go worship the Babe in the manger.
Lo, for a guard the bright angels attend.

Chorus:
Brightest and best of the Suns of the morning,
Dawn on our darkness and lend us Thine aid!
Star of the East, the horizon adorning,
Guide where our infant Redeemer is laid.

Cold on His cradle the dew drops are shining.
Low lies His head with the beasts of the stall.
Angels adore Him in slumber reclining;
Maker and monarch and savior of all!

[Chorus]

Say, shall we yield Him, in costly devotion,
Odors of Edom and offerings divine?
Gems of the mountain and pearls of the ocean,
Myrrh from the forest, or gold from the mine?

[Chorus]

This is longer and not nearly as catchy and cool, but it does sound like Star Wars does Christmas.

Epilogue (Hodie) - Ralph Vaughan Williams

Enjoy!

Fun times!

2009-12-14T01:15:00.004-06:00

You guys, I'm so close to done with this semester!!!

One more paper, and a couple of tests that I am not worried about.

But as usual, I'm up at all hours of the night NOT writing my paper.

I. Hate. Papers.

almost done almost done almost done....

So... a song:

Seven Days a Week - The Sounds

Another pretty song and me whining about crap

2009-12-07T19:55:00.006-06:00

Blargh.

I know I keep saying, "I'll start posting again, soon. I promise," and then vanish for weeks? I had my fingers crossed, I guess. Sorries. And there's nothing to report, really. There may be soon (with pictures and everything), but for right now, it's just time to get through the rest of the semester and find out about this stupid boy.

It's always a boy, isn't it?

ugh.

Corner - Allie Moss

Love this song.

2009-10-24T16:39:00.005-05:00

Sorry I'm so lame and never post anymore. I have... oh my GOSH so much to do. And... basically no time to do it. Ugh.

Anydisasterthatismylife, I love this song and, obviously, have to put it on here for you guys. :) If the voice sounds familiar, it's because it is. I have posted stuff by The Weepies before and Deb Talan is the lady half of that duo. (Also, there's a little blip noise right at the beginning that I can't get to go away. It's clearly NOT part of the song, but just deal with it.)

How Will He Find Me - Deb Talan

pic via so much love

Oh my holy heavens.....

2009-10-10T14:09:00.003-05:00

So my friend Dustin sends me this link and I have since shared it on every possible social media outlet.. because it is amazing.

regretsy.com

Hold on to your hats, folks. It is INtense.

Some of my favorites:

Unicorn, Fish wearing a squirrel suit, or generally anything in the Dead Things category

Corset Jeans

Kitten Head Amputee

Oh my.

New musics!!!

2009-09-24T08:27:00.003-05:00

I've been on a sort of different music kick lately that consists of two new, groups, I guess you could say. One group is largely Britney, Lady Gaga, and Ludacris related, and the other is a lot of Modest Mouse, The Sounds, MGMT and Bloc Party. But this isn't about them.

I was listening to my Weepies Pandora and The Wailin' Jennys came on. I listened to their song two or three times.... and then bought 2 of their albums on iTunes. They sound like Allison Krauss and The Weepies and something else that I can't place, but wow their music is gorgeous.

Long Time Traveller - The Wailin' Jennys

Incredible, edible

2009-09-16T01:44:00.004-05:00

Over-medium eggs!

I have known for many a year that I love eggs. I just find them tasty beyond measure. I pretty much relegated myself to hard boiled and scrambled, though, because I suck at frying them.

UNTIL NOW.

Maybe this is common knowledge for the rest of you cooking type people, but it was/is not for me. So, my roommate's mother showed her how to do it, and now I know, so I'm passing this magical secret on to you:

butter.

That's pretty much it. We have this little non-stick skillet that's about 6 inches across and all one has to do to make some deeelicious over-medium eggs is start with melting the butter on it. Then crack the eggs and go about your breakfast... or post-bar snack, as this is a GREAT time to eat eggs, apparently. You have to use real butter, though, or else it won't work. My favorite part is when it does the non-stick thing like it's supposed to and the 2 or 3 egg conglomerate slides around in the little skillet. To flip it, you just wait until the whole thing is white and then slide it about halfway out of the skillet onto a spatula and flip it over that way. You can, alternatively, slide it onto a plate and flip it, but I have had much more success with the spatula setup.

Now that I know how to do this, I have seriously been eating 2 or 3 eggs a day. They're so tasty!! And cheap and filling and I so love eggs nomnomnomnom....

In Austin!!

2009-09-10T17:36:00.002-05:00

Well....

here I am!

We're in Austin, doing the wedding thing. Man, oh man... this is a total riot. I'll have pictures and whatnot later, but I'm just checkin' in with you guys.

YAY!!

Nerd Girl Anthem

2009-09-08T18:27:00.003-05:00

Confession:

I love Taylor Swift.

Call me cliché, but she just hits the spot with the girl anthem. I'm pretty sure that any band, choir, theatre geek can totally get this song. As my nearly 20 year old (ACK.) little brother said of another of her songs Love Story:

This is my jam.

You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

They love the chase

2009-09-08T08:20:00.011-05:00

In the famous words of Lady Gaga: Boys, boys, boys.

In the trials and tribulations of my existence as a single, a taken and a somewhere in-between person, it has often been said to me, "You have to let them chase you: Guys love the chase."

I hate that.

My knee-jerk reaction is to say, "Yeah, whatever," but I know they do. I've seen them do it! They, for the most part, just don't chase me. This isn't a whiny "poor, poor me; nobody likes me" statement, I'm just not the type of girl that you chase. I'm basically just sitting here waiting for someone to walk up and say, "Hi. I like you," because if I like him, too, that will be all it will take. Insta-relationship. Which, I guess, might not be "fun," and also is partially to blame for my un-datableness.

I came to understand a long time ago that I'm not a girl you date. That's another thing people say to me. "You're not a girl guys date, you're a girl guys marry." That has started to make more sense as of late because I am able to look back on past relationships and see the potential future ones differently.

Let me explain. No, there is too much, let me sum up (YES!): There are people that say they don't like the chase... and then there's me. I am not saying that I think a guy shouldn't have to work a little (because if they don't have to work for the relationship, apparently this is evidence that they didn't really want it or that they don't appreciate it or something...), I'm just saying that the whole call, don't call, wait a suitable amount of time before returning a text, I'm going to pretend I don't really like you so you're going to have to try harder, yes means no, no means yes, bullshit is a waste of mental energy. A sample conversation:

Boy (or girl): I like you, you seem interesting. Let's date.
Girl (or boy): I agree. Let's.

How hard is that?!? Just say it. Or, alternatively:

Boy (or girl): I like you, you seem interesting. Let's date.
Girl (or boy): Well, I'm not really thinking that's a good idea.
Boy (or girl): Hm.. ok. That bites.

Though, the whole problem is that in that second scenario, if the girl shoots him down but the guy is persistent... there is a chase. And if the girl really isn't interested, the chase is still fun for her because she's getting all the attention, even if she doesn't want it from him. Conceptually, I get it. I really do, but if I'm not interested in a guy, I don't want him chasing me. Seriously! I run into that when I go out sometimes (read: it happened once). Not that guys hit on me all the time, but when they do, it's inevitably someone I have NO interest in and I basically just want them to go away, but I don't want to be mean, so it's just reaaaallly awkward. I also tend to lean toward husband shopping when I'm out. Roomie hates that term, and as I define it as simply not giving much of a chance to guys that don't scream long term potential to me, she decided it's more like husband eliminating, which is appropriate, too. Either way, I don't really meet people when we go out. But basically, if I'm already friends with someone, there is almost no chance that we will date because I get myself into the dreaded Friend Zone and can't get out (read: though it did happen once).

However, the one time that it did last longer than six months, there was no chase. He actually told me after we'd been dating for a little bit that he usually will string a girl along for a while and then maybe date her or maybe not, but he could tell that I "wasn't going to put up with that," so he didn't do it that way. I had forgotten about this until pretty recently, but it just goes to show you that the way you catch them is the way you keep them. Our relationship had lots of things, but it one thing it didn't have was stupid games.

This is what my Roomie said, and I like it:

"If you enjoy spending time with him, and he enjoys spending time with you, then just go with it and see what happens. You can't strategize and you can't force it; it will just be what it is. Sometimes, well, most of the time, it isn't unanimous. But when it is, it's amazing."

So anyhow, this whole thing was all rambly and not really directed at anything, it's just something I've been fixated on in the recent times. But I'm really, really, really, really, really excited for this weekend because my best friend evar is getting married!! I haven't ever been in a wedding before, and I'm her Maid of Honor! It's going to be a rocking good time!

So any of you single groomsmen, guests or innocent bystanders... I'm a single, optimistic Maid of Honor at my best friend in the world's wedding. Fair warning:

Look out.

Belated news

2009-09-03T08:54:00.003-05:00

I got Rosalinda in Die Fledermaus!

OK, I have to say: that exclamation point is a lying a little... it looks too excited.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be cast and it will be a fun show and actually, all of the voices in both casts (we double cast here) are awesome... I just... I don't know. I am just not as excited as A) I probably should be and B) everybody else is for me. In various posts before (which I'm going to be lazy and not link to), I've talked about all the stuff I need to get done this semester and blah blah blah... I just can't get excited and motivated... I think I've said this before: I feel like I've got nothing to live for.

Pfft, not suicidally, I'm-gonna-end-it-all-because-my-life-has-no-meaning "nothing to live for," just... nothing to live for, if that makes sense. The show will pick me up (they always do), but until then, here I am. Coasting again.

Dear Old Love indeed

2009-08-28T16:10:00.006-05:00

I read Dear Old Love as often, or more so, as I read TFLN. I find it both interesting and ironic that I have had several published only recently, since I have been submitting them for a while.

Kudos to you, Dear Old Love, for being able to tell when I was making it up and when I really meant it.

Hey now, voce...

2009-08-27T08:05:00.004-05:00

Voce...

Seriously, I cannot have you flaking out on me this early in the semester. Geez. So, yeah, we sang Come scoglio ~~a bit~~ for an hour yesterday and then sang The Csárdás in masterclass, too, and I can see how you could feasibly be tired, but I have the auditions that matter on Saturday and if you're on the way out today... you will SO not be in good shape on Saturday.

Well, ok, that's fair. The rest of my throat sort of hurts, too, but that's really no excuse for you to get tetchy. It's days like today, voce, that really make me wonder if this is what I really should do, because I'm not even exactly sure what I did yesterday that made you flip out and get all weird today and what if I had a show today or something and I SO wouldn't be able to sing tonight that just sucks.... eesh.

Anyway, voce, don't freak out, but I need your ass in gear by Saturday (and callbacks on Sunday)

Miss you,
-me

Dating in the Dark

2009-08-25T09:50:00.004-05:00

Oh my goodness...

Smitten blogged about this show Dating in the Dark and I am so hooked. I haven't even finished an episode yet... I am actually blogging on the commercial break on ABC.com. Though, I confess, I will more than likely watch it on the hulu.com site from now on because I hate ABC's player so much.

Either way, I'll be watching it all day, I'm sure. I suggest you do the same.

Update: OH MY GOSH!! SOOO GOOD!! Season premiere=BRILLIANT. Lovelovelovelovelove....

Country Roses

2009-08-21T23:41:00.001-05:00

This... is fantastic.

(The last minute or so is credits, but this is the only video I could find.)

Jennifer Aniston - Country Roses

My life is so exciting.

2009-08-21T09:20:00.003-05:00

...ahem.

So I have a haircut on Tuesday!!! This is breaking news, people.

The thing is, it kind of is breaking news, as I haven't actually gone someplace and had my hair cut in over 3 years, probably. It may have been longer than that, but I know for sure that I have been cutting my own hair for at least that long. I am in the process of booking this lovely lady to take some new headshots, and my best friend's wedding is September 12, so I think that actually getting my hair cut by someone other than myself is a good plan.

The big question:

What am I going to do with it??

I want to keep the length. It's probably to the middle of my back and I like it that way. There are some layers, as my very sophisticated method of cutting it has just been to flip my head over after I have washed it and cut it straight across (If you're ever feeling adventurous, it actually gives very nice layers. Don't cut too close to your head, though... it can be very frightening...). The way it is now is basically a grown out Jennifer Aniston. Cutting it shorter in my fashion gives it a Friends-ish Jen-Cut.

Anyway, I don't want it thinned (because it's super thick and it's awesome [that's what she said]), I don't want it colored (because I haven't before, and I like low maintenance), and I don't want too much cut off... I am not sure I will even be able to tell a difference.

Suggestions welcome.

To all you geeks out there...

2009-08-18T22:15:00.003-05:00

...this is for you:

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I want to BE Felicia Day.

If you're into nerdiness, you can watch her Web Series The Guild and laugh harder at the video because the characters will make more sense. And for even more Felicia Day genius, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is a must watch (It also has the amazingly talented Neil Patrick Harris and the equally talented and deliciously handsome Nathan Fillion).

People, please.

2009-08-15T12:40:00.005-05:00

Ok, time for something that drives me insane:

When people post every single solitary photo taken for an event/photo session/whatever on Facebook or some other social media.

Guys. No one (except maybe you) wants to see every photo. Cull the herd and pick the best ones, and some of the worst ones (because those are funny), but for pete's sake, the rest need to stay on your hard drive or just be deleted for all eternity.

I'm a little more lenient if we're talking about candid shots at a shower or wedding or something because pictures of random people doing random things have a certain degree of entertainment value. However, I do not need to see the 6 photo progression of you picking up the piece of cake to put in your new husband's mouth. Just pick one, and whether you pick the one of you about to put it in his mouth where you look all innocent and sweet or the one where he has icing and cake bits all over his face and you look like a terror, is completely up to you.

I'm mostly talking about engagement couple photos, bridal photos, baby photos, senior picture type photos, HEADSHOTS (gah. Kill me.) and other such set-up photo session groups of pictures. If you wore 4 different shirts throughout the course of your headshot session, pick, say, 3 or 4 from each different option. I don't need to see 30 pictures of you looking awkwardly at the camera in each shirt. I appreciate the value of getting other people's opinion on which of your brand new headshots to use, but you can narrow the choices simply by looking at them and picking the ones that make you look not retarded.

Also: I fervently hope that when (please, Jesus God, when) I eventually have children, I will be lucid enough to realize that all babies look like weird grapes when they come out, and they look like weird grapes for at least some time afterward. Even though I will think that my baby is the best baby ever, I am mentally prepared to still see the grape-ness. There will need to be pictures, obviously, but for my child's sake, I will only show the inevitable alien baby pictures to friends and loved ones that will laugh with me at my ~~grape~~ child.

Anyrant, I like seeing people's photos of stuff. I really do. I just like seeing less of the ones that don't matter. But it does give me fodder for this blog, I suppose, so not all is lost. And don't even get me STARTED on the people who think that they're a professional photographer just because they have a nice camera. That is truly a rant for another day, as that is a subject that needs a entire entry devoted to it.

I was going to do a mosaic of photos that exemplify the qualities in this rant, but all the absolute best ones I could think of were people that are my Facebook friends, and more often than not my actual friends... so, you get a girl and a camera instead.

Pic via PaperTissue

Seriously. I'm sorry. ...]

2009-08-13T20:22:00.007-05:00

From Smitten today:

The Chain - Ingrid Michaelson

The sky looks pissed.
The wind talks back.
The bones are shifting in my skin
and you, my love, are gone.

My room seems wrong.
The bed won't fit.
I can not seem to operate
and you, my love, are gone.

So glide away on soapy heels
and promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again
then I will take, then I will take
the chain from off the door.

I'll never say, I'll never love.
but I don't say a lot of things
and you, my love, are gone.

Ever After You

2009-08-13T00:13:00.006-05:00

Ever After You - Gabe Dixon Band

Easy come and easy go
Has never been the case.
Dreams of you are hard to erase.
Call me crazy, call me mad
Call me what you will
But I'm sane enough to know that I love you still.

They say that life goes on,
But I've been dead since you've been gone.
I think they were wrong.
So who's the fool?

I am ever after you,
Always ever after you.
Tell me what I have to do.
Is there a way to be happy ever after you?
Ever after you

There is no psychology
And no amount of prayers
That can cure the pain when you're not there.
'Cause this is not supposed to be
How a love should look
After you have closed the storybook.

They say that life goes on,
But I've been dead since you've been gone.
I think they were wrong.
So what's the use?

I am ever after you,
Always ever after you.
Tell me what I have to do.
Is there a way to be happy ever after you?

Reach out, reach out, reach out, reach out, reach out, reach out,
Reach out, reach out, reach out
I'm not going anywhere.

I am ever after you,
Always ever after you.
Tell me what I have to do.
Is there a way to be happy ever after you?

pic via Steep Street

Taking a break

2009-08-12T12:27:00.002-05:00

Yeah, yeah. I know I haven't posted in several days, but I really haven't had anything I feel like sharing with the blog-o-whatever. Sleeping in, harassing the financial aid office and eating cheese are hardly blogworthy topics (and that's even considering that my definition of "blogworthy" is pretty loose) but that's all I've been doing for the last few days, so meh.

School will start up for me on the 24th, so THAT will offer much to be blogged about, I'm sure. Speaking of which, I should really find out when auditions are for Die Fledermaus so I can re-learn the aria from that show. I have actually DONE the show before, so that will be a lot of fun and a very interesting experience to do a show for the second time. It's been about four years, as I was Rosalinda my senior year of my undergrad. I fervently wish I had pictures, but alas, no.

Anyprocrastination, I just wanted to let everybody know that I haven't forgotten about the ol' blog. I just haven't had anything to say.

Die Fledermaus. Get it?

Wendy or a Tinkerbell

2009-08-08T00:19:00.002-05:00

Holy crap, internets. Sometimes, you up and produce some utterly intriguing stuff.

"The way I see it, every girl has to deal with a Peter Pan at some point in her life. A man-child, if you will. They’re fun, charming, witty, intoxicating and have such a magnetic personality that you don’t notice you’ve fallen completely in love with them until 4 months later. Then you have to decide which type of girl you are.

Are you a Wendy or a Tinkerbell?

See, if you’re a Wendy, you realize that the novelty of running through the neighbour’s lawn sprinklers at 3am completely naked and stealing bags of chips from 7-Eleven while one of you distracts the clerk, has worn off. So you pack up your bags and go off to grad school where you meet a nice young dentist that you can take home to your mom. Sure, sometimes you sit in bed with that perfect man lying next to you, thinking back on that one time you stole a couple shopping carts from Walgreens and raced them down the empty street. And you’ll smile, but you won’t regret moving on and taking responsibility for your life.

Now if you’re a Tinkerbell, you stay with Peter. Because you love one another and you both have an unspoken understanding that you’ve got too many psychological issues between you for it to work with anyone else. You thrive off the excitement and silliness of everything he does and it never gets old. You know why? Because you’re the only one who really “gets” him. And vice-versa. If you’re having a bad day he’ll put on Life Of Brian because he knows it’ll make everything ok, if only for a few hours. And that, my friends, is true love."

How totally genius is that?

via Sade

This is freakin' frakkin' amazing

2009-08-06T16:45:00.005-05:00

Remember when I blogged about this song and how cool it is?

The video is epic:

I simultaneously love and hate this song because it is so gorgeous (love) and I watch it a million times every time I see it (love) and it makes me want to be a flamenco dancer (kind of hate).

Day off

2009-08-06T02:41:00.004-05:00

Whenever I wake up here in a few hours, I have a day off. I am SO excited about it. I'm thinking that my Alyssa friend and I are going to play with her new puppy (a dachshund and chihuahua mix. I think they call it a Chi-weenie) and get cupcakes and drink my booze all day (read: play WoW like nerds).

Before I'm off to bed, I am loving this song:

Alexi Murdoch - Orange Sky

...my salvation lies,
in your love.

Update: Victoria's Secret called and I am apparently "on-call" tonight, so I have to go in and close. We're still going to get cupcakes, but geez. I am NOT going in tomorrow, whether it says I have an "on-call" or night. Eff that. URGH.

Yikes.

2009-08-06T00:56:00.002-05:00

Must have been great love.

that's for you, Roomie! (Maybe you'll actually blog now... hahaha)

Wedding pictures are exhausting.

2009-08-05T16:53:00.005-05:00

You ever get into a circle of just really unproductive and unhealthy thoughts?

Example:

Why, hello, Facebook. What do you have for me today? Aww, her wedding pictures are pretty

*clicks through pictures*

Look at those dresses! I want dresses like that at my wedding

*keeps clicking*

Gah, if I ever get married

*stops clicking to get up and get a pint of ice cream. Resumes clicking*

And those little flower girls... Hm, if I never get married, I guess I'll never have kids, either

*click, click, click*

Look at how happy they are. My life is hopeless

*Cries a little into ice cream and finishes pint. Pops popcorn. Back to click-a-thon*

What am I doing with my life, anyway? Do I even want to sing opera? I have no direction at all.

*chokes on last bit of popcorn. Slight anxiety attack*

I only have a semester left in school, then what? You don't even know, do you? Nope. Husband, kids, house, life? Good luck.

*Eats several Babybels and keeps crying.*

I think I'm going insane. I hate my life. I have no goals...

Several hours later, I regain consciousness and survey the devastation of a depression buffet of popsicle wrappers and empty bags of potato chips, and realize I have been playing WoW mindlessly for the last several hours.

At least I won't have a hangover...

Booze.

2009-08-04T09:31:00.006-05:00

When some people get in a funk, they have to blog. They need to write down all of their emotional tribulations and get the feelings out onto the proverbial paper (or blog-o-whatever). This is not me.

Others need to physically work through their stress. They get on a treadmill and just run and run until they can't run any more and then they go lift weights. This (obviously) is not me.

Others still need to go out. They liquor up and party and either get out of their funk or at least forget about it for a while, since unless your problem is a pressing need to get wasted, drinking isn't going to solve anything. This is not me.

That forgetting for a while thing is pretty nice, though. However, I have come to discover that booze is expensive. I know. *Shocker*. But in my recent stretches of relative poverty, expensive isn't good. So I have to confess my current personal booze to you all. It costs about the same as 2 or 3 mixed drinks, and I can indulge for an entire month. When I get sad or in a funk or lonely or whatever, I can partake and lose hours to my inexpensive and delightful friend. And best of all (well, other than that it's cheap), even though I'm not reeeally, I at least feel like I'm accomplishing something.

If you haven't guessed by now, World of Warcraft is my booze. And let me tell you, a year ago, I would have been the first to say that it's stupid and awful and way out of my league of nerdiness. But last summer, I let a boy talk me into it, so I caved. It was actually my birthday present to me ("I'm so happy..." name that movie!!). He doesn't really play anymore (lame), but talk about the gift that keeps on giving. And the game is fun, actually. What's really interesting to me is the number of people that play that I would have never guessed. Once you give in to your inner nerd, you'll find so many more out in the world. It's like we can smell each other or something....

However, I feel like there's a line. A nerdy line. Like, if my Alyssa friend and I go to Taco Bell and discuss dungeons and gathering professions over cheap tacos, that's one thing. Or if I go to Tulsa to see some friends I made through the game (AND a mutual friend) and hang out for a day, that's cool. But you know the people... the ones that make you uncomfortable with their commitment to their own exhaustive nerdgasms. These are the kids that have a picture of their character as their Facebook profile picture. Just because we both play this silly game does not mean that I want you shouting it across this room filled with people. Too much, kid. Just calm down.

Anygeek, I would just love to be playing now... but Tuesday mornings are dark because they do maintenance on the servers. It sucks especially on days like today when I both want to play really bad, and have a lot of time.

So instead, I'm going to watch some South Park! This episode is so spot on.

Voidwalker, Warlock and a Healthstone

pic via http://blog.sina.com.cn/maidemao (I can't read a word of it, but her little figurines and pictures are SUPER cute!!)

I'm obviously retarded.

2009-08-03T15:04:00.003-05:00

I am so not tidy. I occasionally compulsively tidy my surroundings, but I am not an inherently organized and neat person.

My roommate (to be clear, this is not Rümmi; she went to live with her boyfriend in July) likes for her surroundings to look like a Pottery Barn catalog, and I'm trying to not be such a big crazy mess.

Well, I just got this text from her:

Courtney I love you but what is up with leaving trash in the middle of the floor...

I was crying I was laughing so hard at work. What I had done was taken the last bottle of water out of the 24 pack and, I kid you not, so I wouldn't forget and leave it in the house, I put the big empty package in the middle of the living room.

I forgot it.

I'm trying, I really am...

Love. This.

2009-07-31T14:03:00.003-05:00

(click to embiggen)

via xkcd.com

Technologically Inept

2009-07-31T09:29:00.004-05:00

No, not me. I'm a genius. Hahahaha....

Anyway, I have worked in several jobs where I was easily the most technologically capable person in the place. Not that I'm writing C++ or anything, I'm just, like, 35% more familiar with computers and their workings than your average mid-twenties person. And this doesn't really bother me, until the old farts I work with dismiss the knowledge I have as either useless or unimportant. For example, Finishing Touch. There was a perfectly usable MS-DOS sort of system for inventory that was (and probably still is) completely FUBARed. You know why? Because everything in the store had a sticker on it. As in, when we would get inventory in, we would take a pricing gun and sticker every individual item as $**.95. Then, when people bought these items, we would just ring them up as "ITEM $**.95" on the register. God forbid we take a little time and put the correct price into the system corresponding to the correct UPC code, right? The thing was, I spent some time one day to take 1 of each type of candle-y thing in some Yankee Candle scent, and put them in. When I showed the boss, he was completely against it. He specifically instructed the ladies to put the stickers OVER THE BARCODES, which irritated me to no end. WHY, if you have a functioning system, wouldn't you just use it?! I think he was afraid of computers, to be honest. The one time, I had to try to figure out why the computer that prints the daily business wasn't printing, so I went into the Windows 95 OS it was running on to look at the settings and he about flipped out. "What is that?! It has never done that before!! I don't think you should be doing that ("that" being opening folders to see what was in them and viewing the "Properties" to see how big the hard drive was)" which implied that not only did I not know what I was doing with this computer, but that HE knew better (which was so far from true, I cannot even put it into words). Oh my LORD I couldn't stand him.... This is the same boss that would watch the employees on the security cameras and if it looked like you weren't actively being busy, he would call the phone nearest to you from his desk in his office and say, "What are you working on right now?" so you'd go get to work touching every piece of merchandise in the store. It didn't really matter if you were actually doing anything, he just insisted that you look like you were doing something.

Well, that was an unexpected outpouring of hatred for ignorance of that man... but, anyway... I started this post because my wonderful, wonderful boss (that I love working for/with) just doesn't get it, either. I kind of think he views computers as typewriters where you can erase. Don't get me wrong, he uses email and the internet (sort of...), but he's a fax machine kind of guy and we print EVERYTHING (even though I know why we do, and it's not that big of a deal). I guess I just feel like we could be using these 2 iMacs in the office much more effectively (can I get a what, what, co-workerladyma'am?) He's so funny, though. There are 2 things that will make him super mad in about 3 seconds: When he can't find something (usually because I didn't file it in the right place...oops) and then the printer won't work. Usually it's just a turn it off, turn it back on fix, but he just gets so worked up about it. I guess I just half expect technology to get screwed up at some point or another, so it doesn't get to me, but man. And every time he goes, "Why can't things just work?" which, given that the printer may screw up for 4 hours collectively out of the whole month, for the most part, it does just work.

So, basically, all I'm saying is that it's a good thing I've grown too lazy to try instigate any changes, because it would likely just make me angry and frustrated. Lazy is clearly the better option.

It usually is, I find.

YATTA!!!

2009-07-30T01:48:00.004-05:00

This was me about 20 minutes ago

Y'ALL!! Ok, so I'm a ~~bit of a~~ big ol' nerd and I just have to tell everybody that I feel like a frickin' genius right now.

I have been trying to get SimTower to work for quite some time. It was sort of a cycle where I would remember how much I love to play old DOS games and I'd play the one or two that I have made work reliably (either with the CD I still have or that I downloaded) and I get on a mission to make SimTower work again. Like I said the other day, Dosbox has been the coolest thing to work with because it seriously is taking me back 15 years to when I was a kid in the 90s playing on my dad's computer. Everything from the way the directory structure and navigation handles to the sounds (oh! The sounds!!) is just totally perfect. But I could never make SimTower work because it would give me an error message that said it needed Windows to run. I use a MacBook Pro, and I wouldn't have had access to Windows installation disks... ever, much less have a way to run them now. My mom inadvertently gave me the idea to try to find the game FOR Mac, but because I have an Intel based Mac, it doesn't have the Classic OS already installed, so I would have to run Classic OS through an emulator, too. After barking up that tree for a while, it was back to the drawing board (read: I came home and took a 4 hour nap, which is really more of a baby-sleep than nap, anyway).

Well, ladies and gentlemen, after my nap, I resumed the quest and while reading forum after forum after thread after whatever, the knowledge was bestowed upon me that I can INSTALL Windows 3.1 (My 1990s original OS) and run it through my Dosbox.

this is incredible.

The best part is that I can sort of manipulate the file structure from OSX, since it's all housed in there anyway. What would have taken FOREVER in a copy, paste command cycle just takes a second. And I can back everything up... like the entire OS. Shoot, I FUBARed it up the first time I tried to install SVGA drivers and just delete the whole folder from OSX and started over. It's GREAT!! I figured out how to make the sound drivers work and everything. I installed and ran SimTower and it WORKS!! Suffice to say that tomorrow at work will be consumed by this game.

so. excited.

Sorry about all the technobabble. I hope at least some of you out there will be able to get what I'm talking about.

I'm not, however, sorry for the Heroes 'ence.

What? You don't know what "ence" means? I'll blog about that later. The rest of this was too important to wait until morning.

LIFEFAIL

2009-07-28T15:37:00.002-05:00

Debt Wizard

Question:
How much salary do I need to support my student loan debt?

Answer:
Based on student loan debt of $63,000.00* to be repaid over 10 years at 6.8 percent interest, my estimated monthly payment is $725.01.
To support repayment of the debt, I should earn at least:
$52.28 Hourly
$9,062.58 Monthly
$108,750.91 Annually

*sobs uncontrollably*

at least I know:

"If you die, your student loan obligation will be cancelled."

Handy information, really.... @#$%^!

*I'm erring on the side of over estimation, here (I ~~think~~ hope)

....but, still.

Time Vortex

2009-07-28T14:32:00.006-05:00

I have been listening to the Battlestar Galactica Season Four soundtrack all day... and it has put me in a weird mood. It's all GLORIOUS and sort of sounds like what the Titanic soundtrack would sound like if it had a drumline in it. This is okay with me, really, because I have always liked the Titanic soundtrack, too (judge if you must).

So in my own personal time vortex, it feels like it's about 5:30 in the afternoon, but I keep looking at the clock, and it keeps saying 2:38pm. Ugh.

I have also been playing SimCity2000 all day. If any of you Mac people out there want to play old PC games (and have them run better than they ever did on your old PCs), just let me know. Dosbox will absolutely change your life. It's basically amazing.

Hm. Actually, today has pretty much kicked ass.

Here's a song and a picture for today:

Gaeta's Lament - BSG Season Four Soundtrack

Yeah, so what if my city is called Fusion Watermelon... kiss my ass.

**EDIT: I guess I should have specified that this day has been had at work. All of the game playing, Battlestar listening and the subsequent blog post are all from my desk at work. I'm not making that kind of money, but still... not too bad.

Thoughts on retail

2009-07-27T10:28:00.001-05:00

I have worked in retail of some kind for pretty much the entirety of my "working" life. I guess it it sort of a stretch to call "courtesy clerk" at Albertson's a "retail" job, but it was still in a place that sells things, and was almost unheard of that my schedule didn't conflict with EVERYTHING, so that definitely fits the description at the most base level.

My employment history developed in such a way that I really feel that ever single job I have ever done has prepared me for the job I did after it. Let me just run this down so you have a point of reference:

Courtesy Clerk

(grocery sacker)

Salesperson

(Thank God for her)

Salesperson

(And my co-workers were... well, I can say that they were probably no small part of why I loved this job)

Teller

(my supervisor drove me INSANE, though)

From one job to the next, I handled more money and generally catered to a different and more specialized group of people (which, I personally feel, is all part of that God having it under control thing). The thing about customer service experience is that you will get better at it the longer you do it. The best part about having had these jobs (the jewelry jobs, in particular) is that I can basically walk into any job interview and say, "I sold commission jewelry for 5 years," and they say, "When do you want to start?"

I actually get a marginal amount of satisfaction working in retail, or at very least customer service. Like when I worked at Finishing Touch, if someone came in and was like "I need a gift for someone that loves giraffes," I love being able to help that person find exactly the right kind of present and wrap it all pretty so not only will the person receiving the gift be happy, but the person buying the gift is happy and excited to give the gift. Jewelry is the same way. When I can help someone find exactly what is right for them, especially after searching for a while, and then wrapping it up in the fancy box so when the person receiving the gift opens it will just be so pretty... it really is fun. It's really weird, but I get goosebumps when I feel like I've done a good job and the customer is happy. And good customer service goosebumps are always on the backs of my legs. I know, strange, and it's the same feeling if I'm helping a 5 year old pick out a present for their daddy for Father's day or if it's a nervous dude picking out an engagement ring or if it's a lady at Victoria's Secret that is looking for a particular perfume and I found the last bottle in the back room.

And thank GOD those little things happen every now and again, because retail is really hard work, and it's usually not a whole lot of fun. However, I can definitely say that even if the job is a pain in the ass, if you're working with people you like, it makes all the difference in the world. I know, I know... sometimes you inadvertently end up staying in the store counting diamonds until midnight because none of the cases will balance and the old ladies in the store can't put stuff back where it goes and I can't count higher than 3 with you talking to me because I can't concentrate and suddenly all I can think about is countertops and now exF is calling the store AGAIN...

...

...ahem

25 on the 25th

2009-07-25T12:36:00.003-05:00

Well, here it is. My magic birthday. I'm a quarter of a century old. I think that doing a life evaluation post like a report card or something won't really be of any help, as it will likely just fall short of what I had thought I would be doing by this time in my life. Maybe not short, but different certainly.

I was talking to someone (I think it was Joel, probably around HIS birthday) about regrets over the course of your life and if you could go back to a certain time in your life, would you? We watched the first 2 seasons of Heroes over the past week, so time travel is in the forefront of my available thought processes. I can honestly say that I wouldn't go back to any other time in my life because no other time is as good as right now. Even though I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I don't have any money or whatever, at this juncture, what would I go back to? I mean, it's not as if any part of the already lived portion of my life is so much better than now, because it simply isn't. And if I went back, I would have to take that God awful theory class again, and I just don't think my psyche could handle that a third time. Twice was bad enough.

I sort of feel like I'm on my way to something... even though I don't know what it is. I usually have landmarks in my life that I'm headed toward; paychecks, vacations, big events or what have you, and I have this inkling that there is a big one on the other side of this slightly translucent curtain or something that I can kind of tell is there, but I can't tell what I'm looking at.

Anyhow, I guess I'm getting all metaphorical on my birthday. I think I'm going to go eat lunch and then I have to work today! How appropriate. I think we're going to go out this evening, so hopefully we'll take lots of pictures and I'll have something to tell you guys soon.

Not so nice

2009-07-23T13:33:00.006-05:00

As tends to happen, I started to write a comment back to GingerMandy and it turned into a whole blog post.

When I was first dating the ex-fiancé, we had a conversation about how mean I ~~was~~ am and that I needed to ~~change myself~~ fix it.

ex-f:

(He may or may not have said "unacceptable," but it was pretty close)

me:

ex-f:

(Read: It isn't what I want you to be)

me:

ex-f:

(Did I mention that he was a bit holier than thou?)

(I don't remember)

don't say it

So in the name of keeping a boyfriend, I did. Everything out of my mouth was moderated and filtered. And you know what? People liked me. It was astounding. That was the only year I was elected Band Sweetheart (That's nerdtalk for I was the popular-est that year) and that has never happened before or again. You know what else? I was totally miserable. I felt like a different person, but not in a "I'm changed! I love it!" sort of way. The following fall semester, I worked with a dear friend of mine in the band office and she fixed me. She ~~was~~ is smart, gorgeous and mean. I LOVED working with her because I could be myself!! I hadn't been able to voice all these nasty, horrible, mean, sarcastic, judgy and wonderful comments to anyone because I was too busy trying to not "hurt anybody."

So as I write this, I am wondering: was it better to be nice to everyone or be myself? I'm a mean and sarcastic person, and ... ha, well, I was going to say "it's usually all in fun," but that's a lie. I'm mean, and it's mean, and I am not messing around. But at the same time, is that really a way to be? I see where you're going with this, GingerSweetPie, I really do. I'm just warning you, being nice is really hard work. However, if you're willing to put in the work, it legitimately yields results. It also makes you nice. I'll still love you, MandyPants, but as a rule, nice people make me ill.

I guess that's my answer. I honestly just like mean, sarcastic people better than nice, smiley ones. Maybe it's because it's just easier to be mean, but I'd like to think it's because it takes a honed intelligence to be mean. Anyone can be nice. It takes a special kind of person to be mean and sarcastic, but still lovable. Don't take this the wrong way, but if we're friends, it's probably because you're mean. And lovable. So... kisses to you all!

BOO!

2009-07-20T22:51:00.003-05:00

When I was a little kid, my dad used to scare me. What am I saying.... he STILL scares me. If he's walking ahead of me and turns a corner before I get there, odds are pretty good that he's stopped and waiting for me to get there so he can say "AGGH!" and make me jump. Because I will. About 98% of the time I will jump and scream and then go, "You turd!!" and he just laughs because it is endlessly funny to him. This is a long-standing thing for Dad. Throughout our childhood, he has moved our stuffed animals and hidden in our beds at night, sat in the bottom of the dark closet, hidden behind the door to our room... Once, all of us came home and Dad's car was there, but we couldn't find him. We probably looked for 10 minutes, and when we finally found him, he was behind the lower rack of clothes in HIS closet. Good one, Dad. Another useful tidbit in this whole thing is that all of the eyesight in our family is baaaaad, which only aided his mischief. So not only was it usually dark when he was laying in wait, it was also usually time for bed, so we've all got our glasses off or contacts out or whatever and no one can see anything anyway.

This has been good practice, it seems, as I have been watching around corners and in closets and behind doors the whole time I've been in Albuquerque. Joel seems to get immense satisfaction from seeing me jump and then me telling him he's a jerk (hahaha). Like how I'm brushing my teeth last night, and when I turn the light off on the way out of the bathroom, every light in the apartment is off. So what do I do? Say, "Oh! Good grief... You jerk!" and turn the bathroom light back on. I didn't have to go very far before he said "AGGH!!" from his hiding place on the ground in the hallway just outside the door. Or this morning, on the way to the bedroom, I look in the office and there is a figure standing there that looks like a Death Eater.

Death Eater.

Ironically, this didn't scare me. It was morning though, and that possibly had something to do with it, but it did at least make me do a double take. He was disappointed in my reaction, and said he was going to take a shower. I sat reading for a good few minutes and wondered why the water hadn't started yet. When I walked past the office, HE was there instead... as in, wearing the coat (apparently, in the office and coming out of the bathroom are the most popular locales for this behavior). Again, for whatever reason, this didn't scare me, but I applauded the effort.

Clearly, one is more apt to make me jump and scream with less prep work. Just sitting watching TV for long enough without moving and then making a loud noise will get me, seriously, every time. What can I say? I'm an easy mark.

Still, my favorite time he tried to scare me was once over 4th of July weekend. I was walking past the office and caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I walked into the office and he is standing on the chair by the door, in a psycho-killer type position holding... a feather duster. We just look at each other and since I'm obviously not scared, and also I have no idea what he was going for with that approach, he just goes,

"Hmm... it appears I may have over-planned this..."

Yeah...
you may have...

8 hours...

2009-07-17T21:13:00.002-05:00

...is a REALLY long time to be in the car. But it is absolutely worth it.

That's Ashley, my Albuquerque roadtrip buddy. She was in the sun and it was too warm, so we put the sunshades over her.

I didn't want to turn around to take a picture of the rainbow, so I took a picture of it in the side mirror. Note the difference in the color of the sky in front of us versus the sky behind us. That was a rough patch we had just been through.

This was probably 1 or 2 hours from Albuquerque

I brought a bunch of my music and books so hopefully I make some headway on the papers and recitals and crap for next semester. Anywhozits, I'm gonna get out of this Hastings and go piddle around until Joel gets off work. Toodles!

p.s. I don't just mean worth it for the sunsets, mountains and rainbows.

Wordless Wednesday: 11:11

2009-07-15T11:11:00.003-05:00

I'll be there soon

Horoscopes.

2009-07-14T10:48:00.003-05:00

These stupid things always get me:

Yesterday:

Leo: You want your friends to know your exact position on an important subject. Additionally, you would love their support and hope they understand your next move. And as clear as you are about your plans, you are tired of having to tell everyone what you're doing and wish they could just figure it out for themselves. It's not an all-or-nothing proposition; keep your options open and readjust the intensity with which you communicate as needed.

(Yeah, Kelly? Uugh.)

Today:

Leo: You look out toward your future and see so many possibilities today that you don't know which path is yours to follow. But this isn't quite the same as feeling stuck; you're not. You are trying to hold on to a wait-and-see position because you don't want to make a false start now. Taking your time is a good idea, but don't wait so long that you do nothing at all and lose the current opportunities.

F me.

Should have been you first

2009-07-14T04:01:00.001-05:00

Holy Crap. My friends Charmaine and Dalton got married 2 years ago today (Congrats, guys!!). In my perusal of the Blogs of MySpace Past, I read this entry from way back then. I feel like I've grown since then, but it's interesting to remember those old times.

- - Even though it's a long one, you might should read this post from a while back so that this makes more sense. - -

Saturday, July 14, 2007

"It should have been you first!"

Current mood: discontent

was

actual

get

Yessss, emo girl. Everybody heave a big ol' *SIGH* now.

---

Though, confession: I have been planning to post this for a while because I thought it would be entertaining, but I've been feeling all emo today, so it's kind of apropos. Maybe I'm hormonal or something retarded like that, but I feel psychotic and crazy and it's probably nothing but every little retarded thing is just making me go all batty and I hate it and I wish it would stop and it's making me stay up all night and toss and turn and the more I think about everything the more I really hate it. Anyway, I have to be at work in 4 hours. True to form, here's a song:

Invisible - Taylor Swift

(This is excessively emo. I realize this. I just feel all affected and sad and stupid shit. I'll look back later and either cry A LOT or laugh at my idiocy. Just the usual. This is almost as bad as the Bonnie Rait episode. This kinda sucks)

Bloggers I admire

2009-07-13T11:28:00.002-05:00

Last year, I got into this blogness just because everyone else did (I think everyone has a post like that one. Haha). It has taken several months, but I feel like I am finally starting to have, well, not necessarily something to say, but definitely a voice to say it. I really admire the people that when I read an entry of theirs, I can immediately tell who I'm reading. When I read my older entries, I can sense my imitation of other bloggers in an effort to figure out my place in this blog-o-whatever and decide how to say what I wanted to say. To an extent, I still do, but that's true of me even when I just hang out with people. If I am with them enough, my speech patterns and gestures and whatnot start to emulate whoever I hang out with. Like sometimes, the way I phrase stuff just comes out differently after I've been reading The Bloggess because the way she writes is so distinctive.

In any case, I wanted to write a little tribute to the bloggers that really have helped shape the way I write on this thing and have helped me navigate the blog-o-whatever.

The incomparable Bloggess
This lady is incredible. She is absolutely laugh-out-loud funny and as I've said, her distinctive writing style is a riot to read. She posts to several different sources, and they are all must-reads. I'm thinking there are very few people that can claim to have a mommyblog and a sex column (that people actually read, that is) and be insightful and sublimely entertaining on both fronts and all the social media in between. Also, she's from Texas, y'all. And makes fun of jew cats. She's a damn genius.

The loverly LiLu
You can thank this Masshole for her "ever popular, yet gravely feared" TMI Thursdays. I, personally, adore the Shiz My Boyfriend Says chronicles because nothing beats smart and funny people being in love with each other and saying funny shiz and then blogging about it (see also: Bloggess). LiLu also has the exceptional ability to personally connect with each commenter/follower/blogger that passes through her blog. Or even links to her, really. Her faithful followup with everyone is awesome and she does it in a way that just makes you feel good. Of course, I'm slightly biased, because in an infrequent bout of internet idiocy, she totally came to my aid (hehe, that's gotta be what she said).

The darling Meg Fee
I feel a bit of a connection to this lady because of her background in the arts and her aspirations to perform. Being a gal in New York seems so glamorous, and it is sometimes. She conveys the glamorous times so well, but what I love about Meg is the way she talks about the every day. She writes about her battles with herself with every bit of the eloquence that she employs when extolling the virtues of love and talking about her so cute family. My original note about her blog was: "Lovely writing, excellent book choices, so romantic and heartbreaking and hopeful and gorgeous and inspirational." That's pretty much right.

The amazingly sassy Ginger Mandy
This is a gal with some great stories about butter and buttholes, great advice about peeing standing up (I know I link to that about every other day, but dang. I don't think one can GET a better tutorial on the subject) and how to get your intake of Fiber up, and will probably help you learn how to get great gas mileage if you asked her (because she has wicked sweet knowledge like that). Anyginger, her honest and straightforward writing is an unabashed account of her opinions and experiences, and it's entertaining on top of that! What more can any blogger aspire to achieve? Nothing, friends, I assure you. Success, Gingerlady. Great success.

I just got a little choked up thinking about you guys (ok, maybe not quite), but I do love reading what you have to say to the blog-o-whatever and look forward to it daily. You ladies are bloggers to look up to, and my own blog thanks you from the bottom of its little heart.

Well, I mean, I do, too... ♥

Even nicer

2009-07-11T23:59:00.003-05:00

It's really nice to be able to say "I love you".
It's even nicer to be able to say "I love you, too".

via Sween

TMI: Or possibly Not Enough Information... (NEI)

2009-07-09T09:38:00.000-05:00

As per last week, this is not quite typical of a TMI, even though it does have some sex in it (Woo hoo!) and it IS embarrassing. Even so, that geriatric boobie grabbing gets me every time!

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, "how many readers can I estrange THIS week??" TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else's!***

Against my better judgement, I'm going to embarrass myself. Usually, if I have the option to embarrass myself, or NOT, I choose not. But I'll throw myself on the sword this TMIT and tell everyone about my sexual naïvety as a young, but not so young, person.

We learned last week that I was one prude somebody for the majority of my life. Still am, really (in case you're freaking out, Dad), but there was a level that even I look at now and think, "What was wrong with me?"

Example: For a while in early high school, I had this totally absurd relationship "rule", if you will, that there was no kissing for, I think it was a month, or something equally ridiculous. I'm a little foggy because it didn't really stick around, but to clarify: From the time we started being BF-GF ("Will you go out with me?" Lawl), there was "supposed" to be a MONTH that passed before we kissed. I think I even lost one BECAUSE of that. Not that I blame him. I was a gal that stuck to her guns.

Anyprude*, I'm here to address my sexual idiocy, not my general idiocy. When I was in late elementary school, the schools did "Hot Topics" in Health class where they talked about girls getting their period and boys becoming men (Whatever that entails specifically. They split us up...) and you had to have your parents sign a permission form so you could even HEAR this really special, ultra-secret, grownup information. I had this week-long event every year for 3 years. So it begs the question:

How in the world did I have no idea what "the sex" really was?

Y'all, I'm not kidding. I knew it had to do with kissing, and it was in a bed and I was pretty sure it had to do with the parts that a bikini covered becoming UNcovered (I had gathered this much from movies, I guess), but that was as far as I got. I don't know where I came up with this, but I really, honestly and actually, I'm-not-making-this-up thought that these were the steps to having a baby:

Get married. (Because people that aren't married don't have babies. Duh.)

Make an appointment with God. (Still not making this up, people)

Have baby. (There! That was easy!)

I can't remember exactly when the whole P-in-the-V connection was made, but I vividly recall thinking, "What? No way. In? Like... IN in??" and being somewhat horrified. I'm sure it didn't exactly help that the diagrams I had been seeing for the past "Hot Topics" sessions looked like this:

I just have to think that surely... SURELY someone at some point had explained that the P goes IN the V, but I either was asleep or wondering what that scrotesticlepenis was or who even knows, and I didn't get the memo. I really think that even when they said it, I looked up at that flaccid line drawing and just dismissed the statement as unimportant.

3 years.

3 different "Hot Topics" presentations.

HOW did I not know?! So tragic.

*That's for you, Sassyginger!!

Wordless Wednesday: If at first you don't succeed...

2009-07-08T14:53:00.003-05:00

]

zzzzz WHAT!? Ok, ok... I'm awake, it's cool.

2009-07-07T14:52:00.004-05:00

Yeah.

So, I'm back! Yay! But I'm WHOA tired, so this will be short (hopefully, that isn't at all what he said) and sweet. Well, it will be short, anyway. I'll post a little more about my funfunfun 4th when I get to my camera (I think it's in my suitcase at home) and see if any of my pictures turned out. For now, I only have a the pictures from Joel's camera which, since we didn't take it to the top of the mountain, doesn't have any firework pictures on it.

What's that? Oh yeah. We totally watched fireworks from the top of a mountain. You guys = so jealous.

The gal that drove (her amazing Scion got such good gas mileage that my half wasn't even $50) had to be at work this morning at 6am (yikes), so we left last night from Albuquerque at about 9pm. Yes, in case you're counting, that gave us just about exactly enough time to get back as long as we didn't stop for very long. She dropped me off this morning at my apartment 10 minutes before she was supposed to be at work. I slept for 3 hours, went to a voice lesson (which was AWESOME) and I'm at work work now. I want to make a tasty casserole for dinner, but I'm very sleepy. It will all just depend on my laziness when I get finished with work.

I will definitely tell you all about of this later:

Hallucinations on the road home

KAH-razy dudes at the Love's just outside of Amarillo

Mountaintop fireworks (with pictures!)

Away We Go (HOLYMOLYSOGOOD)

whatever else I think of when I'm not so damn sleepy

Aren't you just dying to know?! I know I am. (Hmm...) Before I go, here's a couple of pictures! Yay!

This place is like a postcard, y'all

Good weekend. :)

Until next time!

TMI: Kissing and Your Number

2009-07-02T02:02:00.006-05:00

This is a different sort of TMI, but because I think the old lady boob grab picture is awesomesauce:

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, "how many readers can I estrange THIS week??" TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else's!***

hehe... ok anywho... (Again, this is not your typical TMI; fair warning for you guys looking to read about how girls pee standing or poops that destroy industrial toilets, you ought to read those lovely ladies' blogs :) )

So I had been dating this certain boy for a little while, maybe a couple months, maybe not even that long. As newish couples often do, we were talking about past relationships and whatnot and he cheerfully asked me, "How many people have you kissed?"

"Um..." (I'm thinking, naïvely counting)

He's looking less cheerful now. "You don't know?"

I jokingly ask, "Should I count shows?" (I've been in several, and kissed a few boys by way of the stage)

"Yes. You still kissed them."

"Oh. Ok, uhh..." (Still counting. Sheesh. I wasn't expecting The Spanish Inquisition)

I finally gave him what I considered an accurate number. He gave me a giant poutfest. His number was like, 3 (counting me! Ack.) and mine was... somewhat higher...

Let's just say that throughout the relationship, my "number" as it were kept resurfacing in the most annoying ways. Usually just to remind me how sullied my past was (*gasp!* KISSING!?) since his was so sparkly clean (read: it wasn't).

NO GOOD comes of knowing the numbers of things like that. How many people you have done whatever with can just stay between you, yourself and potentially your girlfriends. The dude in your life just does not need to know. It doesn't matter if these numbers are low or high or whatever. It's just TMI for them. End of story. (See what I did there?)

Yeah, yeah, I know. There wasn't poop or boobies or weird sex related stories in my TMI, but honestly, the old lady boob grab is about as exciting and entertaining in that realm as I get. Maybe someday I'll have a really good/gross story to regale all you fine readers. And regale I shall, but only in due time. Besides, this is my very first TMI ever. Even if I did have some really juicy ones, I wouldn't lead with them. Gotta leave somewhere to go!

Duh!

Ok, confession: I have read this entry about fourteen times and I still can't decide if it's even what I want to say. This is actually the first time I feel this way about an entry of mine. Since the logical thing to do would be to take it down due to the relative uncertainty I feel about it, I'm going to leave it up. So there! Suck it, blog-o-whatever! I will post all the uncertainty I want! BOOYAH!!

*sigh*
what...?

The cutest thing!!

2009-07-01T20:38:00.005-05:00

OK, so I'm driving home on a pretty busy street (think 3 lanes either way) and I get to a cross street that has a stoplight and there's some commotion. As in, the traffic isn't moving, but there are a bunch of bikers in the middle of the road. I'm going one direction and in the median next to me is a motorcycle and standing in the street with his arms up stopping traffic is a big ol' biker dude. As I'm trying to figure out what that guy is doing, I see two other biker folks actually crossing the street. What are they doing?

Yep. Several good Samaritan bikers stopped traffic to help a momma duck and her 7 (from what I can count) baby duckies cross the busy street.

cutest. ever.

Sorry the picture quality stinks; it was my cell phone camera.

Song for today

2009-07-01T08:44:00.000-05:00

And so over the great blue oceans
And then over the cities filled with light,
I know we'll be together tomorrow
Oh, but I'll dream of you tonight.

I'll Dream of You Tonight - Hem

MORE Reasons my Dad rules

2009-06-30T18:42:00.002-05:00

So I was all happy about my refund check coming in, yeah? The thing was that it got mailed to Dad's in south Texas (which wasn't to ME in Oklahoma...) and he doesn't have a Bank of America in his little town, so you know what he did? My Awesome Dad drove an hour to a bigger city and deposited my check for me so it would get to me faster.

My dad rules. (Love you, Dad!!)

Fireworks and Vacation time!

2009-06-30T13:30:00.003-05:00

So I'm getting pretty excited for this lovely holiday weekend. As if you didn't know, I'm going to Albuquerque for a few days! And, as has been previously stated, vacations are wonderful.

Actually, this is the first of a couple of these trips this month, but this one is different for a couple of reasons. First, it was relatively unplanned. I have a co-worker whose boyfriend lives in Albuquerque (total coincidence) and so she goes out there about twice a month. She is cool as SHIT and we're going to have a total blast on the 8 hour car drive (and in her Scion, which gets MUCH better gas mileage than my Explorer). Second, this one will have FIREWORKS!!! (Well, I guess they'll both have fireworks, heh heh... ahem..)

Anyway...

Fireworks are so much the best thing and fun and wonderful and happiness and smushy and preeety.... *sigh*

I love fireworks.

Oh! I also love this song!! I heard it in the trailer for "Away We Go" and I can't stop listening to it:

All of My Days - Alexi Murdoch

]

pic here

Mooooovies!

2009-06-29T13:58:00.005-05:00

Hey! I'm back from the abyss that was Friday's workday. It was a terrifying journey but I made it back alive.

Ok, so there are a few movies that I am REALLY wanting to see this summer. Here are the two I am most excited about:

Away We Go

(500) Days of Summer

Also: MY IRS CHECK CAME IN FINALLY!!! Just in time for my 4th of July trip, too! Well, I have more actual work to do today, so blech. I'll blog later, promise. :)

Life's a Toaster.

Magic

Juggling

I have enough friends.

Stolen!

The Waiting Game

Turning Tables

Could've had it all...

JOB!!

Who's a cliché?

Weirdness

WALKING DEAD

Not Sleepy Thoughts

Missing

Hiatus.

In the musicals

Bossanova

Bieberized.

Tattoo

Television

Messy Bedroom

An update and some whining

Tee hee

A Letter to Seester

Worklife.

Times they are a'changin'

Stupid.

For the Horde!

Fields of Gold

Trapped.

Tik Tok

Bearer of bad news

Here comes emptiness crashing in

Time Management.

Sherree Chamberlain

The Vulture of Shame

Still Alive

Come Pick Me Up

Easter Candy, or Why New Year's Resolutions to Lose Weight Frequently Don't Succeed

Today is here!

Recital Time!

My last paper EVER!

Terrifyingest

Ads

Don't Ever Change

This is a website!

What makes a good friend

Why I'm Single (by Lemmonex)

All Will Be Well

Christmas Music

Fun times!

Another pretty song and me whining about crap

Love this song.

Oh my holy heavens.....

New musics!!!

Incredible, edible

In Austin!!

Nerd Girl Anthem

They love the chase

Belated news

Dear Old Love indeed

Hey now, voce...

Dating in the Dark

Country Roses

My life is so exciting.

To all you geeks out there...

People, please.

Seriously. I'm sorry. ...]

Ever After You

Taking a break

Wendy or a Tinkerbell

This is freakin' frakkin' amazing

Day off

Yikes.

Wedding pictures are exhausting.

Booze.

I'm obviously retarded.

Love. This.

Technologically Inept

YATTA!!!

zzzzz WHAT!? Ok, ok... I'm awake, it's cool.